I am having thoughts of suicide

[OneForever]

I never thought or imagine that I would end myself and I don't want to die, but at the same time I want to die. I don't know how to explain it. I've been thinking about suicide for a while now, but its not everyday that i think about it. I'm in the US Army Reserve and every time it is drill weekend i think of suicide. I want to get out of the army but I don't want to suffer UCMJ and I dont want to talk to my First Line Leader or Commander about it. Besides from that, I also have some serious issue like, I dont want to find a job. I've been unemploy for over a year. Living with my parents. I'm still young, 21 years of age. but I am in debt from college, stuck staying in my room, dont want to hangout with friends or family. I just want to stay in my bed, dream, watch tv shows and waste my life on a fantasy. I'm failing in life and in myself. I am not sure if i am committed to killing myself, but i am afraid that I might kill myself. I love my parents and I can't let them suffer the pain of losing me. I dont do drugs and I have not been deploy so I have not experience any kind of battle trauma. I am planning on going awol, but its the Reserve so the punishment is less harsh. However that doesn't matter to me if I am committed to kill myself. I need some opinion on this. Why am I feeling this way? I forgot to give out a little detail. I have thought about killing myself and thought of ways to kill myself but have not plan to kill myself as I am not sure.

[Sara_MHModerator]

Hello.  We are sorry that you are going through this difficult time.  We have sent resources to your email and inbox and wish you the best.  Let us know if we can help.  

[kkparr33]

Call a suicide hotline immediately!

[sarahsfocus]

sometimes you have to do what you don't want to.maybe you should talk to your commander about this.