15 Y/O male - May be depressed.

[JustSomeKid2780]

Hello, And thank you to all who reply.

I'm a 15 year old male, I go to an online schooling for 9th grade. This was my first year of online schooling. From grades 5th until now (9th grade) I've always been in and out of failing school, It's not even because I'm not capable. I just can't. Like I know it sounds weird. But for the past 3 years I've felt empty and just full of "I don't knows" I do nothing but shut myself into my bedroom, Letting my school days slowly go down the drain. I don't wanna kill myself, I've thought about what would happen and what the people I know in life would be like. But honestly I've got no friends since I do online classes. I've talked to other kids who do the classes I do and they're all your stereotypical awkward kid. I also don't take any medication, I don't see any doctors,  I seek no enjoyment out of anything. All I wanna do is sit in bed all day and just wait for the days to pass and wish I was able to be left alone. My mom is a stay at home mom, She knows that I have "mental issues" but she doesn't know what because I never talk to her, I never let her in to what is going on in my mind. My father does work, He gets up at 6:30 in the morning and comes home at 9-10 o'clock at night, And on the weekends he does nothing but grow his little indoor garden. So I rarely see my father, And I shut out my mother, I know it do it. But I don't know why. Like I don't have anything against her.

I made an account for this website for this "question" I know this is all just jumbled up but I just have so much built up I don't know how to say it all in order or clearly because I've just got so many thought. If anybody has any ideas if I am depressed, Or any other reason if I should seek professional help. Please help me, I'm tired of my life being like this but it's hard to talk face-to-face about it to anybody because of my "I don't know" feeling.

If anybody needs anything answered to try to help please feel free to ask. Thank you greatly for reading

[Paxiled]

I think this is a complicated situation, and I feel for you.  There are people who excel at every school.  I don't know where you live, but the whole concept of "failing schools" is, in my opinion, more right wing political propaganda than reality.  Schools in America have always been filled with some people who try and some who don't, some who are violent and some who aren't.  There are other cultures that are much more obedient and conformist than is the tradition in the US, which is why they have better overall records than the US but are worse at innovation.  The notion that schools aren't performing well is really, then, more a factor of those who want to close the public schools and get everyone into religious and politically conservative schools where they can better control what students think than it is a difference from where the US has always been, which is an extremely violent country and extremely diverse country.  I'm an old guy now, but when I was a kid some did very well and some didn't, some were violent and most weren't, some tried hard and most didn't.  People just have forgotten this aspect of America, which was founded by disparate violent people who came here broken apart from the families and clans and tribal cultures that still dominate most of the rest of the world.  This puts more pressure on the individual student to decide what's important in life, and education is definitely important.  We also have a lot of disparity depending on income, and now that low tax conservatives control pretty much of everything, public schools are starving and the private school that service mostly the wealthy are thriving, but that was also true when I was a kid -- where you live just has a lot to do with your educational possibilities.  Now, why am I going into all this stuff here?  Because most of what we learn in school does not come from teachers, it comes from the books we're assigned and talking to other students.  If you're going to study online, you're going to have to work harder to communicate with others around you because it's only in discussing things with others we learn what we don't know are aren't getting.  You really are going to need to learn to speak up for yourself to get the most out of anything.  And that includes your mental health -- you're not a child anymore, you're 15, and old enough to know that if someone you knew told you what you've told us here you would advise them to talk to their parents, not wait for their parents to notice and say something.  I know this is hard for you, but I think you know it's something you need to do to get the ball rolling toward bettering your experience.  If you need therapy, your parents are going to have to pay for it, right?  You have to talk about it with them.  Please, let us know how this proceeds, but that's the first step.    

[Paxiled]

And also, the fact your father works a ton and then hides in the garden doesn't mean he won't listen to you if you start the conversation, it means he has issues of his own he isn't going to discuss with you because he's the parent and you're the kid.  Just how it works.  Be the kid and let him and your Mom be the parents, but they can only do that if you let them know you're suffering.

[Ribena_Girl]

Hello JustSomeKid2870, i agree with the person above in reference to you probably needing some friends.

The really important thing is that you should talk to someone. If your mother is an understanding woman then as weird as it may feel you should talk to her.  Even if you tell her you don't know exactly how to articulate your feelings, as long as you are not shutting her out completely.  She may have a way to reach you and can help you work things out.

Having someone to support you is very important. It doesnt matter if its your age mate or not. But 2 heads will always be better than one. You arent bothering anyone by sharing your problems with them as i assure you that people who love you usually just want to see you happy.

So yeah,  i think the best thing is to try and talk to your mom first. Depending on the outcome (and if she's understanding) then decide on whether you need to see a specialist

[AnxiousNoMore]

Why are you doing online? It seems you desire friends but don't have any way to meet others. What about sports or some hobby club that people do together?

[JustSomeKid2780]

Well, I do online because the school district around here is terrible kids are getting into fights every other day (I'm not talking like **** a few pushes, Like kids going to the hospitals and people being sued) There was 4 bomb threats last year, And the teachers are more like glorified baby sitters. But I do wish for friends. I've got 3 online friends I've known for 5+ years. But I don't count that as a real friend. But about meeting people I'll be starting a job within a month and I really hope that helps turn things around and puts me into the right direction. I want to better myself, But at the same time I don't. So thank you for responding to me and trying to help.

[AnxiousNoMore]

Perhaps the job will be good for you socially, so hope for the best. What is the job?