A vengeful loved one?

[LoganLehman]

Me and my fiance broke up (i left her for someone else) around two years ago before we were engaged and we saw some other people. We ended getting back together and now are engaged. It seems as if ever since either(two possibilities) the proposal or the fact that her ex boyfriend died is causing this weird dynamic within our relationship. She seems to subconsciously want to hurt me, and then when I get hurt by her wicked actions (she treats me overall like trash), she gets mad because I am "not tough enough" to handle her. Is this stemmed from me leaving her and her going through depression?(which she claims) or is this more beyond the grave if you know what I mean?


thanks logan

[mammo]

I think your fiance is directing a lot of anger towards you, due to unresolved issues in her life to include the loss of her boyfriend and you!  Two years is a long time to be apart, and you need to ask yourself why she is back with you.  She was obviously in love with another man, and you with another woman, there has to be a lot of mistrust on her side, and one can't blame her.  I think you need to both step back from the relationship  and look at it carefully.  It's not a loving, healthy relationship which will only get worse.  She is still angry at you, and fears if she is nice, trusts you etc, you will just dump on her again, and you probably will.  I think this relationship ended when you left her, and now it's just a matter of convenience for the two of you.  I hope she gets help dealing with her emotions so she can move on with a much happier life.

[whodunnit]

Hi Logan,

Nothing you do can make someone suffer depression mate. It's how they react to things that causes it. You can, of course, create an environment in which she is likely to suffer depression but there is still no direct fault. We all play guilt games of course and what you describe is exactly that.

You ask is it beyond the grave. Not sure what you mean exactly but to me what you've described says "BREAK UP NOW" before it's too late. The relationship is already full of horrors and blame games and more will follow. Happines? Forget it, won't happen unless you both change totally.

Sorry mate but you already know this as you broke up once before.

[iam1butterfly]

I had a boyfriend who treated me that way too. He'd chastise and berate me.
Then, he'd put me down for not being able to "take it!" It took me several months after our break-up to figure out that while he was messing with my mind and dumping on me, it was really himself and his own life that he was unhappy with.
I think that it's anger, frustration and maybe depression that's behind your fiance's treatment of you. Your leaving her for someone else might create trust issues and vindictive feelings. But, then why would she get back together with you if that was a major issue?
As for the deceased boyfriend, that could explain a measure of depression. I was still getting over the death of a former boyfriend while I was dating the man I described in the first paragraph, here. Admittedly, I was depressed off-and-on during our  relationship because I was still mourning the loss of the previous boyfriend. And, my sporadic gloominess could have weighed on a man who was already clinically depressed. So, your notion about something "... beyond the grave" could explain her own hurt.
Maybe, in the process of venting and releasing her own pain she feels the need to lash out and strike. A lot of people do that. Unfortunately, that lashing out and striking is usually directed at those who are closest to the person who's in pain.
Mind you, this doesn't excuse the behavior... but, it might explain it.