Aa
Am wanting to die
I am on the verge of committing suicide! Two years ago I lost my house, immediately after that my business folded up. Because of what has happened I started to feel suicidal. The only thing that was stopping me was my partner of 26 years. He told me when I was so depressed and down not to worry too much about it and that we still had each other. That made me so very thankful that he was around.
Unfortunately, in August of last year I lost him to liver cancer. His death sent me to unimaginable depths of depression. The first few months I was grieving but now the agony and sorrow I am going through has gone to overdrive. I have lost all hope in life. To wake up every morning sends me fits of panic and anxiety.
I am now staying with my parents who have no idea I am gay and that my business partner was actually also my life partner. I can not grieve in front of them so I cry a lot when alone in the bedroom. I always try to put on a happy face for them but they have no idea that deep down inside my grief is eating me alive. To tell them who I really am will leave me homeless as they are devoted catholics and simply do not approve of people like me.
I am standing on the edge of an abyss and I feel I will jump one of these days. I am very tired, exhausted and can not think straight. I am sponging off my parents and am now feeling like a parasite. I have tried applying for work but they all said I was over qualified. I just do not know what to do or where to go. I have been smoking and drinking heavily. I know the time will come when my parents will ask me what my plans are and frankly I will not have the answer to that. I just simply have lost the will to live. I miss my partner so much I weep every night. He was everything to me, he was my life. When he died I died with him. The only difference is his death has a date mine does not because I have repeatedly died everyday. I do not want to see another morning. I just simply want to be nothing.
If any of you out there would give me some sense and are not homophobic, I would truly appreciate it.
Thanks for taking the time out to read this.
Unfortunately, in August of last year I lost him to liver cancer. His death sent me to unimaginable depths of depression. The first few months I was grieving but now the agony and sorrow I am going through has gone to overdrive. I have lost all hope in life. To wake up every morning sends me fits of panic and anxiety.
I am now staying with my parents who have no idea I am gay and that my business partner was actually also my life partner. I can not grieve in front of them so I cry a lot when alone in the bedroom. I always try to put on a happy face for them but they have no idea that deep down inside my grief is eating me alive. To tell them who I really am will leave me homeless as they are devoted catholics and simply do not approve of people like me.
I am standing on the edge of an abyss and I feel I will jump one of these days. I am very tired, exhausted and can not think straight. I am sponging off my parents and am now feeling like a parasite. I have tried applying for work but they all said I was over qualified. I just do not know what to do or where to go. I have been smoking and drinking heavily. I know the time will come when my parents will ask me what my plans are and frankly I will not have the answer to that. I just simply have lost the will to live. I miss my partner so much I weep every night. He was everything to me, he was my life. When he died I died with him. The only difference is his death has a date mine does not because I have repeatedly died everyday. I do not want to see another morning. I just simply want to be nothing.
If any of you out there would give me some sense and are not homophobic, I would truly appreciate it.
Thanks for taking the time out to read this.
Thank you very much for your suggestions, advise and support. Will most certainly keep them in mind.
I did go see a psychiatrist, a counselor and a therapist. For some reason they never really were able to help. The meds they prescribed (prozac and zoloft) were giving me very bad side effects.
I try my hardest to see the wisdom of what I am going through but the difficult bits of it all was having to watch him suffer and die. In 2008 when he was first diagnosed I told him I was going to give him part of my liver. When he was hospitalized last year I told the doctors about it. The doctors said he was too weak to undergo such a procedure. I told him about it and said he had to get his strength back so that we could go through the procedure. He tried his best but the cirrhosis was too far advanced. What bugs me most is why we did not do it earlier on. The other thing that depresses me is the helplessness. I just stood there watching him go through the ordeal. I always made sure in the past that he was always far from harms way. This one just left me powerless!
In my mind I keep seeing that beautiful smile of his and it drives me to despair knowing I will never see that smile ever again. When I am away my phone is peppered with non-stop text messages from him, text messages to the point that it became annoying and would fill my inbox. Now not one text message from him and it just kills me.
You have all said it does pass and I know it will except that it has just been too slow. Tomorrow the 17th is 6 months since I last saw him and I am feeling very tired and anxious.
Below are two journal entries I did shortly after he died. It. Unfortunately I feel even worse.
Thank you guys very, very much and so sorry for the long message. It just seems I could not stop writing, venting out my depression.
September
It feels like ages since you died and it isn’t even a month yet. The days drag on and everyday when dusk arrives I fear it like a child fears the night. I wish it was already next year, or 5 years from now or better even, 10. I have lost the will to live and am constantly aching for you. I try so hard to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. I try to normalize things as much as I could but to no effect. Whoever said “it is better to have loved than not to have loved at all” most certainly did not know what he was talking about because the pain I am feeling right now is immeasurable, unquantifiable, and indescribable. If I knew it was going to hurt this much I would’ve rather not loved at all, that way it would save me from this hell I am going through, this unfathomable, ugly other side of love. To be stone cold and devoid of emotions is something I am totally wishing for right now.
How does one get past this crisis? When does the pain end? I can not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I have fallen into a vortex, never to come out of it. Oh God what must I do? My baby where are you?!
October
It’s been raining heavily and how I loathe it, adds to the already miserable feeling I’m in. I spoke to you at length last night, I hope you were listening. I cannot survive this world without you, you were well aware of that. I’ve told you when you were alive. I’ve told you I would be lost, I would be broken and every day that passes and you are not around sends me to unimaginable depths of depression. You probably thought I was strong when you were here, but guess what it was only a facade. My strength was there because of you. Now that you’re gone the strength is slowly ebbing. I have come to realize how weak I am without you, a pathetic heap of flesh.
I was watching the rain today and the countless memories of us sitting outside by the garden talking about how rainy days made us both feel blue came flooding back. I wept. I wept so hard my heart felt like it was going to explode. How could this have happened? You must tell me what I should do, at least for the sake of my own sanity. You always looked after me, you always had the answers so please my baby, tell me what to do. I miss you so much!
I did go see a psychiatrist, a counselor and a therapist. For some reason they never really were able to help. The meds they prescribed (prozac and zoloft) were giving me very bad side effects.
I try my hardest to see the wisdom of what I am going through but the difficult bits of it all was having to watch him suffer and die. In 2008 when he was first diagnosed I told him I was going to give him part of my liver. When he was hospitalized last year I told the doctors about it. The doctors said he was too weak to undergo such a procedure. I told him about it and said he had to get his strength back so that we could go through the procedure. He tried his best but the cirrhosis was too far advanced. What bugs me most is why we did not do it earlier on. The other thing that depresses me is the helplessness. I just stood there watching him go through the ordeal. I always made sure in the past that he was always far from harms way. This one just left me powerless!
In my mind I keep seeing that beautiful smile of his and it drives me to despair knowing I will never see that smile ever again. When I am away my phone is peppered with non-stop text messages from him, text messages to the point that it became annoying and would fill my inbox. Now not one text message from him and it just kills me.
You have all said it does pass and I know it will except that it has just been too slow. Tomorrow the 17th is 6 months since I last saw him and I am feeling very tired and anxious.
Below are two journal entries I did shortly after he died. It. Unfortunately I feel even worse.
Thank you guys very, very much and so sorry for the long message. It just seems I could not stop writing, venting out my depression.
September
It feels like ages since you died and it isn’t even a month yet. The days drag on and everyday when dusk arrives I fear it like a child fears the night. I wish it was already next year, or 5 years from now or better even, 10. I have lost the will to live and am constantly aching for you. I try so hard to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. I try to normalize things as much as I could but to no effect. Whoever said “it is better to have loved than not to have loved at all” most certainly did not know what he was talking about because the pain I am feeling right now is immeasurable, unquantifiable, and indescribable. If I knew it was going to hurt this much I would’ve rather not loved at all, that way it would save me from this hell I am going through, this unfathomable, ugly other side of love. To be stone cold and devoid of emotions is something I am totally wishing for right now.
How does one get past this crisis? When does the pain end? I can not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I have fallen into a vortex, never to come out of it. Oh God what must I do? My baby where are you?!
October
It’s been raining heavily and how I loathe it, adds to the already miserable feeling I’m in. I spoke to you at length last night, I hope you were listening. I cannot survive this world without you, you were well aware of that. I’ve told you when you were alive. I’ve told you I would be lost, I would be broken and every day that passes and you are not around sends me to unimaginable depths of depression. You probably thought I was strong when you were here, but guess what it was only a facade. My strength was there because of you. Now that you’re gone the strength is slowly ebbing. I have come to realize how weak I am without you, a pathetic heap of flesh.
I was watching the rain today and the countless memories of us sitting outside by the garden talking about how rainy days made us both feel blue came flooding back. I wept. I wept so hard my heart felt like it was going to explode. How could this have happened? You must tell me what I should do, at least for the sake of my own sanity. You always looked after me, you always had the answers so please my baby, tell me what to do. I miss you so much!
In August of 1992, my husband left for another woman. I became depressed and suicidal, was hospitalized and slowly came out of it. Then on Dec. 30th, 1992 my only child, Serena, died in a car accident. I was not alone. Totally alone. I still had my job but could barely do it. I quit my job and moved away from everyone I knew. Luckily I found another comparable job. I lasted about six weeks, coming home every day to lay on the bed and wait for morning. I ended up on disability for two years, depressed and suicidal. I made two attempts and was discovered each time. After two years things got better and I went back into life. I will always miss Serena but I don't have the desperate need to die because of her death any more...now I remember the good things.
Hi Sanch and really sorry what your going through. The thing ive learned through all the trageties ive experienced is that you never know what tomm will bring. Just as the bad came also the good will come. We just have to get back up and get down to the business of life and trying again.
The most important thing you have now is your experience and your mind. You were successful before and youll be successful again.
Just a note that the business world has now opened up a whole new way to make money. Internet companies are drasticley seeking new products to offer and with new product ideas there are many people who will fund the product for a percentage and even stock it and offer it to internet drop ship companies. Ive been doing it now for the past 5 years on a simple product that was created. If you have an idea of a simple product that is not currently available in the market, it is not that difficult to make it a success. For example and interior auto accessory. There are so many internet auto accessories companies and all are eager to take on a new product. It doesnt have to be a line of products but one single product will do.
I actually started a forum here called "success" but no one has joined.
Its all in you and waiting to be brought out. Just put the past where it belongs and get your future going now, today!
The most important thing you have now is your experience and your mind. You were successful before and youll be successful again.
Just a note that the business world has now opened up a whole new way to make money. Internet companies are drasticley seeking new products to offer and with new product ideas there are many people who will fund the product for a percentage and even stock it and offer it to internet drop ship companies. Ive been doing it now for the past 5 years on a simple product that was created. If you have an idea of a simple product that is not currently available in the market, it is not that difficult to make it a success. For example and interior auto accessory. There are so many internet auto accessories companies and all are eager to take on a new product. It doesnt have to be a line of products but one single product will do.
I actually started a forum here called "success" but no one has joined.
Its all in you and waiting to be brought out. Just put the past where it belongs and get your future going now, today!
My goodness, you've been through so much, I'm so sorry for that.
As impossible as it seems right now...you will NOT feel like this forever, but there are a lot of issues you need to sort out with a professional. You're grieving over MANY losses, you feel inadequate, your self esteem is probably in the toilet, and you feel like a failure, rigjht? Plus, hiding who you are is so stressful and brings with it guilt. That's not to say that the answer is to come out to your loved ones, as I recognize that sometimes it just ISN'T an option...but I think it's something you should explore and discuss with a professional. At least to help you deal with those feelings that come along with hiding such a big part of who you are.
You're just a victim of life right now, and as hard as it may seem...you must fight to start turning things around. It will take some time, but slowly and gradually, you'll start noticing things getting better.
PLEASE know that suicide is never the answer. I won't go into why...those are obvious. Life WILL get better...I promise, but you have to get some help to get there. It goes without saying, if you ever feel you will harm yourself, seek urgent help, call 911 if you have to.
Please continue to post, you're among friends here who care and who have lived through depression. Most of us still struggle with it to some extent...but many of us have been in a dark place..and have found our way back out.
Very best to you.
As impossible as it seems right now...you will NOT feel like this forever, but there are a lot of issues you need to sort out with a professional. You're grieving over MANY losses, you feel inadequate, your self esteem is probably in the toilet, and you feel like a failure, rigjht? Plus, hiding who you are is so stressful and brings with it guilt. That's not to say that the answer is to come out to your loved ones, as I recognize that sometimes it just ISN'T an option...but I think it's something you should explore and discuss with a professional. At least to help you deal with those feelings that come along with hiding such a big part of who you are.
You're just a victim of life right now, and as hard as it may seem...you must fight to start turning things around. It will take some time, but slowly and gradually, you'll start noticing things getting better.
PLEASE know that suicide is never the answer. I won't go into why...those are obvious. Life WILL get better...I promise, but you have to get some help to get there. It goes without saying, if you ever feel you will harm yourself, seek urgent help, call 911 if you have to.
Please continue to post, you're among friends here who care and who have lived through depression. Most of us still struggle with it to some extent...but many of us have been in a dark place..and have found our way back out.
Very best to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. :( I lived with my father and his partner as a child, and I remember when my father died, his partner was extremely depressed the way you are describing. It does get easier with time.. but I would suggest (as stated above) some grief counseling to help you cope with the loss. You have to go through all the steps in a healthy way in order to get back to a "normal" daily life. It does take time. I also agree that you should tell your parents when you are ready. My father's partner's family was catholic as well, they disowned him for a while but came to their senses. They still do not approve, but they accept him. I hope it all gets better for you hun. Losing your other half is a pain that cannot be easily described.
I'm sorry to hear that about your partner.its difficult enough to lose a loved but but to deal depression and anxiety on top of that of is worse. Have you thought about talking to someone about what you are going through like therapy or greif counseling. Suicide is never the answer and I understand that you don't want to tell your parent but you will have to tell them one day but not right now, when you are ready of course. I'm still grieving the loss of my grandfather which was 12yrs ago. Grieving takes time it's never overnight, crying is good for you too it helps with the grieving. I'm not sure this helps but I hope you get the help that you need. I'm sorry for your loss.
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