Beginning to feel desperate :-(

[Patissier]

I am 30 years old & live with my boyfriend.  My life is going to work, coming home & just hanging out with my boyfriend.  The job I have puts me around people much older than me where I don't have much in common with them.  The friends I do have already have kids & are now so busy with them that I rarely see them.  I'm really sad because I don't go out to do fun things with any girlfriends anymore because none of them have the time due to their families.  I love my boyfriend dearly & have tried in the past to make more friends but find it EXTREMELY difficult.  I'm not shy but I tend to just try to be funny to make people like me & then when they ask personal questions, I clam up some.  I'm very private because of betrayal that has happened to me in the past with someone who I thought was my best friend.  I'm so uncomfortable talking to people if it's more than just "small talk".  I don't trust very easily & so I don't reveal too much.  This isn't working though...I'm becoming more withdrawn & yearning for true friendship.  WHAT DO I DO????  I can't even look people in the eyes for very long because I'm scared they're judging me....

[Jennifer78]

Hey Pat!  I can understand where you're coming from and what you're feeling.  I'm 30 also and am single and just about all my friends are married and have kids now.  Pretty much I'm the one that has to call them if I wanna hear anything from them.  I know that they are busy with their families and they are just in a different part of life than I am in.  I started taking up ice skating lessons recently so I'm getting to meet new people that way.  You do just have to start finding a hobby or something that you are interested in and go out there.  It takes awhile and most people won't give you the third degree when you're out learning a new hobby.  You can just say hi and make light conversation.  And as for questioning to yourself if you talked too much or too little you may just have to let some of that go.  Just do your best and don't sweat it too much.  Only answer what you want and if you're uncomfortable talking about something just say so.  They should appreciate your need for privacy.  I hope this helps you some!  

[mommaC54]

I'm not going to make any medical judgements as I'm not qualified but I went through a lot of the same things that you are going through now. I was younger, mid 20's through my 30's. I didn't have my daughter until I was almost 40 and had no problems. Now that I am more comfortable with myself as a woman and don't rely on my physical appearance and  monetary items worn (jewelry, etc.) I am able to relate to women on a whole new level which has depth and sincerity. I am not saying that this is where you're at I am only sharing my experience. It can be very lonely when there's no one to share good and bad times with from the female perspective. I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

[birdie0907]

You do not sound clinically depressed, but that is for your doc to decide. Your posts talking about the problems with women sound complicated with overfocusing or generalizing on things that don't matter, but I am only seeing a tiny snapshot of you and probably trying to interpret that from my subjective point of view.
So maybe counseling or my earlier suggestions will help, but drugs sound like a no-no. They will not help unless you really have a problem, and all have side effects.

[Patissier]

Forgot to add...

Sooooo with all that & the backstabbing...I just have a very hard time trusting people.  Women especially.  Men, I can get along very easily...women...not so much.  I have my guard up.  All the questions to me when meeting new people, it making my head hurt, feel like I constantly have to defend my life & where I stand in my life...it has made me withdraw from people.  When I meet new couples through my boyfriend & him and his friend leave us girls alone....I have no clue what to say.  I've actually purchased a "book of questions" just to get over my fear of what to say now, did I say too much?  Did I not say enough?  What does she think of me?  I get so paranoid.  I know I probably don't make much sense.  Wanting more friends but then not allowing myself to let them in.  I need to find a medium but don't know how.

[Patissier]

Thanks for all the tips.  I just tend to get really down because things are changing.  I'm very happy for my friends, believe me...but now with all the kids, they barely even call me or email me.  Yesssss I know they're busy BUT at least make an effort.  I've tried scheduling times with them to do things & they always get changed or canceled OR they arrive realllllly late due to their kids & that is my BIGGEST pet peeve.  Some may say I don't understand because I don't have kids but when you feel like you're constantly put on the back burner...it's no fun.  There's no reason why you can't pick up the phone to call & say "hey, I'm running late but I WILL be there" .  Don't just have me sitting there waiting!!!!  And yes, I've mentioned this to them...but no change.  It makes me not want to bother with them at all.

I'm now in the transition of moving to another city so I do have ideas of what I can do to make new friends but it's just hard when you're used to calling your good / close girlfriends up & have a conversation for more than 5 min. w/o them saying "oh, the kids need me" or "oh, can we talk about this later" and it never happens.  I'M FED UP.  

The not revealing too much...part of it was because I was backstabbed in the past & part of it feels like society has put so much pressure on women my age.  Like how I should be married already, how I should have kids.  Y'know what?  I'M NOT READY.  And I'm fine with it but I just can't stand the 3rd degree at times when I meet new people.  It literally makes my head ache.  I'm focusing on my career & am just so tired of hearing the "chatter" from others that it makes me want to scream.  Part of me is like...leave me alone...then the other part of me wants more friends.  I feel like I can't win.

[birdie0907]

If you become a volunteer, you will meet other volunteers in a non pressure environment. Plus, the feeling of helping someone else may give your spirits a lift, not totally because you feel better about yourself, but also because you find a new focus.
You must pick something that either you enjoy or consider to be an exciting adventure. For example, I signed on for 1 year to help a non-English speaking family, and wondered before I met them if I was going over my head since there would be a lot of sign language in the beginning. It was very exciting.
Do you live in a city? They always have a volunteer coordinating center, with unlimited choices.

[sweetpea03]

join a group, find a new hobby you enjoy, join a local gym, something, just to get yourself out there, and you will meet new people. If they ask too many personal questions, tell them you don't feel comfortable answering them and would just like to keep to the small talk. You can also make a date with your friends, scheduling it in somewhere, maybe once a week or so and have a girls night. I'm sure they'd love the time away from the kids.

[birdie0907]

From what I read about you, I don't think you need antidepressants. Your descrition of your life indicates you feel it needs changes however I think that antidepressants can't provide what you want. I can't advise how to effect the life changes you want, but don't give up, as you are young and the world is full of opportunity.
A 2008 study of antidepressants said that they don't work, but my pharmacist said the study included lots of people who were unhappy but did not need antidepressants, so the antidepressants couldn't be expected to help them. She and my doctor told me they had seen many cases of people getting relief from antidepressants.