Can't stand myself at all anymore and it hurts

[Allexys89]

Hi. I've had anxiety and depression since I know myself but lately it's all gotten worse. I've had a troubled life so far, hated by my entire family, and now I'm finally discovering, after all these year,  that I can get help for my condition and I'm not fully crazy, there are people like me out there. My partner is trying to help me now as much as he can but I'm horrible. I'm snappy, angry, I don't eat (i force myself for at least a meal a day but can only take several mouth fulls till I start feeling sick and nausea) I don't sleep ( 20 hours per week on average) I'm house bound for 7 months now, all attempts to go out ended up in panic and frenzy. I can't have people over at all, I freak out and start crying and shaking. I managed some time ago to accept a visit from my GP (even though i was in constant panic as he was here) and he tried to help me, got me some Valium (that;s not helping at all) and made me some appointments for the mental health clinic, including for a home visit from them that I couldn't go through. I just couldn't open the door. My partner is the only person I see and want to see. I don;t even enjoy time with my dogs anymore and became too passive to life. Before, I tried handling this by abusing alcohol, but since I met my partner I quit and I don't know how to stand myself. I hate everything about me. I can;t close my eyes without my brain going insane and I always end up crying. I've thought about suicide all my life and three weeks ago I tried to poison myself but ended up in the hospital. I lied to them, told them I accidentally mixed up some supplement with the poison and didn't want to end up there. That part was true, I wanted to die. I still do. I see how I'm just making everything so hard for a man that loves me, and it's killing me even more. I became a terrible burden now and I'm scared of hurting him even more. I'm attempting to jump and take a first step by writing here, trying to put this out there, hoping one day I can at least take a home consultation or go and seek further help. I just don't know how to move forwards and overcome at least the fear of contact with people. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

[specialmom]

Hi and welcome.  I'm so glad you found this forum and are reaching out to us.  I'm really sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time.  Please know you are not alone as many suffer depression.  I know it is hard to get over the 'hump' so to speak to seek true treatment but once you do, things could really change for you.  Living under the cloud of depression is SO hard----  doing the simplest thing can feel like a chore.  And that you have thought of hurting yourself and even attempted it recently breaks my heart!  That is your depression taking control and I want YOU to have control over your depression.  Seeking help from a psychiatrist and psychologist (both are good but if you do just one, it will help) is something you really must do. Medication may be necessary.   But depression is like any other illness and should be treated as such.  Therapy and medication is often combined for the best results.  I know the thought of seeing people is hard but if you can just get through it at first---  I know this will get better.  With anxiety, they often say that if you think about the what if in terms of worst case scenario if you do the thing you fear . . .   and so often, it is NOT so bad even if the worst happens.  Same here.  You can do this!  That home consultation would be so important for you or if your partner will accompany you to the office, that is great too.  PLEASE take this step.  In the mean time, there are phone numbers you can call to talk to someone especially if you are still thinking about hurting yourself.  There are onine resources as well.  Please let me know if you need these sent to you.  I'll be thinking of you, please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.  peace.

[pitter]

please go and get help, I was in a bad depression a few years ago, I went for therapy, took anti depressants,  and I got better!!!! You don" have to keep living this way.

[brice1967]

I am very sorry to hear that you are having such a horrible go of things right now.  As alone as you may feel, you're right.  There are other people out there who feel like you do and there is help available.  For most of us, reaching out for that help is the most difficult thing to do.

For myself, I battled with the thought of doctors or therapists judging me or worse, turning me down.  In fact, I just knew that would be the case and then I would be back in the battle all by myself again.  That doesn't have to be the case.  When I came to terms that I had to do something for me, I reached out to my general physician and he put me in contact with some real good mental health care professionals who know, understand, properly diagnose and treat mental illness.  

Once I broke through and got my story out there, it became easier to speak about and therefor easier to get help with.

I'd suggest reaching out to your general physician.  They can point you in the right direction.  Nothing in the world is more important than your health and you need to know that you do not need to feel this way.  There is help.

I wish you the best.  Please reach out to a professional.

[CocoMocha]

It is surprising to see someone who were just like me a few months ago. I have an idea of walking wet and cold in a long dark tunnel and not being able to see the end of it. It took me ayahuasca, reiki, love from soul family, and meditation to get out of depression. lucky that my apartment window does not comply with building code that is why i can't slip out and just jump. my baby would have been motherless at 2 weeks old.
i say try to find your purpose in life. find the one thing that you love doing, that you are good at, that the world needs and the world will pay for it. mine is working with renewable energy.