Depressed for mostly all of my life

[sofreakingscared]

im 21. I've been depressed as far back as I can remember. Always picked on for one thing or another...I've been called ugly, stupid, lame, *******, idiot, short, weird, boring, bipolar...things of that nature...Thing is I get told Im handsome all the time and I have no problem getting a girl or whatever but Im hindered because I just dont have the confidence I'd like to have so I never really try to hang out with them, I have to force myself to do it...Every time I wake up Im like oh great.. im not dead yet...Everyday is a struggle. Even talking to my family members is hard because they dont understand the pain I carry with me. I've tried explaining it, even poured my heart out to them but then they forget all that crap right after and its back to the same ol same. I was that quiet guy in school all the time never attempting to speak really because I was just so unsure of myself because of all the ridicule I'd receive & even people I thought were friends have taken advantage of me . Just the other day me and my cousin were talking & I said im cool and he was like "Ah! who the hell thinks you're cool?!" I grew angry at the thought that maybe he was right & that's all I'll ever be is some lame-o walking around feeling sorry for himself...I thought about suicide a bunch of times but dont wanna put my fam through that so its not an option. I just hate going on everyday talking to people i know is talking behind my back...but what can I do I feel weak and small from all the years of ridicule & its like as soon as I get a little confidence it goes right back to 0. I cant hold a decent convo with anybody because I dont even want to talk...I just sit in my room all day and night because that's where im most comfortable....Im depressed and people dont even know it because i hide it with a smile...as soon as im alone the negative thoughts intrude and im drowning in sorrow..I refuse to pay someone to listen to my problems because it would get me nowhere I think & plus I dont have money for that. Im diagnosed adhd, have crohn's & genital vitiligo so these just add to the madness...I feel like my world is crashing down on me, I've lost my sense of reality almost...all I have now is hatred & the desire to do harm at any moment im criticized because I've honestly had more than enough of it but still it comes...im such a good guy but im constantly taken for granted & not respected...The flame in my hate keeps getting ignited.. I've punched holes through walls in my house....I could go on for eons of what I feel...What can I do though? If im going to keep living I need to find a way to end my suffering...I dont want to grow old alone but I feel like thats what it will come to

[MYoungAtHeart]

At the age of 21, you have a wonderful full life in front of you...I know you don't feel like that right now, but that is because you are looking at all your self perceived faults, and those thoughts could very well be a product of depression...

You say that you don't want to pay anyone for help and that there is no cash for help anyway....If you contact the Mental Health Hotlines that are available in 1 800 toll free numbers, you might be able to find a free or very low cost therapy group or therapist in your area...

When you sit alone in your room and watch the rest of the world go by, the pain of depression only gets worse, we do have alot of answers to our lives inside of ourselves, but most of the time it takes hearing those same thoughts from our peer group to start incorporating them in our own lives...
There are many many older teens and young adults that are going through the same things you are going through.

I would like to see you make an appointment with a medical doctor
and if you don't have one,
I do hope that you will make a few calls and find a counselor or
therapist so you can at least talk to someone who might be able
to tell you if you are depressed or if there is something else going
on ....

Good luck to you

M

[headinjury957]

seek professional help your hormones are asking for help get them some you will feel normal and be that cool guy i think u are.