why am i getting disturbing thoughts going through my head

[tashaxx]

since i was 11 i have had thoughts going through my head that i cant explain. ive tried suicide ive had tablets and they have not helped. i dont get these thoughts everyday just when i think about things i used to have a problem dealing with my anger and instead of hurting other people i starting hurting myself because the last time i hurt someone she was in hospital for ages and has a permanant problem because of me. i have thoughts of killing other people i even plan it ive had sick dreams that i have wanted to come true. i dont trust anyone. because they never stay in my life for long. drugs used to help me forget my problems but i havent been taking them anymore. i got offered a pill that is meant to make me forget. its meant to reali mess with your head and cause memory loss and i have got it just havent taken it yet. i just wish i could sort all these thoughts in my head.

[helu]

As the first member coment said it is good to know what is wrong with yourself, and that is the first step of your solution.

Some of as go through smilar things in our lifes couses, by different things.

Onec i was seperate from my children for long time and, that couses me alot of stress up to the point to leave my husband at that time was he was my fiance. i was alone with no family who can make me feel better. i completely change to some one i have never been before, any little thing makes me absulutly angry. i fight with my fiance by simple things all the night and, i sleep with full of anger in my head.

In the morning my fiance has to go to work, when he goes i fight with myself again, i regret what i have said, and i get devestated but, i still have an angry head.
In the aftenoon he open the door and he said " hi you feeling better" just to make sure that i am ok. The quastion makes me very angry and i say alot just becouse he said 'hi', we have the same misruble night again.

After along time, i get to apoint i have to do something about myself, thank god i mannage to sit and think before something horrible happens.

I bring an A4 peapers and start to write, one word in each of them, words like, peciante, calm, listen ect.. in my own languege.. i wrote all those things are missing from my wonderfull personalty and attached them on to the wall everywher in flat. But i am still crying when i do this you can tell by my hand writing.

My fiance came from work and said ' hi what are these and  what they saying ' as usual i was going to say words like ' what do you cace or none of your besiness and start the normal argument, but i have surounded with words wich are not alow me to beheave like that. inside me is boiling with agner forcing me to shout, becouse that is the only way i make myself feel better. beleave me those words ruled me, breaking them is breaking my own rule. And i say to him calmingly ' these are the thing i need to see in every day of my life untill i get better '. and i have won myself back.

(The only reason i wrote those words in my own language is just to keep it to myself becouse, if they in inglish he will know what they mean and will get to a discution we might have a fight and i do not want that to happen.)

What i want to say is you need to recognaize, the oposite of your proplem and let your mind learn them. you can do it in diffrent ways / in your own way or you can even make a code the actions. i hope it will work for you. good luck.

[sdleo]

Too be honest I think you need to go to a Mental institution so so can be safe from yourself and won't hurts others.  The good thing is that you recognize what's goin on. Seriously I don;t mean it in a bad way but get some good help! Good luck!