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Depression: What do you do when there is nothing left to do?

So I've suffered with depression, anxiety, and anger issues from the age of 12. I went through some very traumatic things in my early adolescent years and have unfortunately carried them into adulthood. I'm now 21 years old and feel so helpless and out of control over my own life. I come from a very poor family and my father abused drugs and alcohol. He used to beat on my mother in front of me and my siblings. We were also frequently beat for very simple wrongdoings and sometimes for no reason at all. Once my father was arrested my mother finally got away only to end up in a very similar situation a few years later. Only difference was this new guy was bi polar. So that resulted in my siblings and I being taken away from our mother and having to live with family members who really did not want the burden of us but took us in to look like the saving grace. Now to this day I suffer with really bad depression and anxiety When something very small happens I shut down and don't know what to do. I get really sad and stop eating and doing my normal activities. I lost my car, resulting in me losing my job. I have very little money and the state of va is horrible with assistance for someone who is actually trying to look for work. I have a 4 year old son in pre k so I have to work around his school schedule as I can not afford daycare. Some days I often think of killing myself because it seems like nothing good ever happens in my life when I have the biggest heart and I try so hard. Some days are better than others but for the majority suicide has been on my mind for awhile and today I just really want to end it all. I don't have insurance so I cant go to a specialist for help. I have no support system and my life is in shambles. The only light in my life is my son. He is the only reason I continue on. I just really need advice or words of encouragement during this trying time and positive ways  to cope.
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Is there anyone in your life who can help you pay for therapy with a psychologist?  You have a tremendous need to work on those issues that you haven't been able to let go of.  We're all born with different personalities, and some of us just can't let go of bad things that happen, while others can.  It is just the way life makes us.  I'm also wondering if you're right about VA.  I live in VA, and I think help depends on where you live in VA.  You're right, living in the south in general means help is limited by the political system that doesn't believe in helping people, but VA is changing quickly.  And reality is, if you can't get what you need where you live you might need to move to where you can get it.  Maryland is right next to you and has much much better services.  It's sad that politics often determines how much help is out there, but our society is now controlled in most states by people who don't believe gov't is there to help.  That leaves you with private non-profit organizations, churches, and the like, and your family, which in your case is probably a dead end.  Somehow, you need to get to someone who can help you work out the damage done to you.  You really don't have a choice -- once you decided to have that child, you eliminated suicide from your vocabulary.  Your job is to get better, and you sound like you can do that.  So, when you have no support system, you find one, and the first step for you is a psychologist.  If you can't find someone who will help you and financial support for that, help does exist in DC if you live close to DC.  If you're further south, it's going to be hard, as I say, I live in VA and it's harder here, but there are resources.  Contact the VA gov't and see what they can help you with.  Again, the state is trending away from its historical distaste for people in need, and there's more now than there used to be.  There is a website for VA gov't -- go there and see what's available.  Talk to someone.  Talk to your local religious clergy, just to see if they have some contacts to get you some help.  It will take some work, but for people who know what messed them up, the chances of getting better are a lot greater than for those of us who have no idea at all why we suffer.  In the meantime, do you exercise?  Ever though about learning how to meditate -- not easy with a little one at home but not impossible.  Many communities have groups or parents with young kids that meet and help one another.  Again, harder if you live in the more rural areas.  Are you active in your child's school?  Again, a way to find resources.  It's called networking, and one of the benefits of having a child is there's more of it available than for those who don't, people just don't know these things are out there.  
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I'm so glad Paxiled was here to share such wise advice with you.  I'm so sorry you have been through SO much and it has been so hard.  Agree that suicide is not and should not be an option or a thought.  I'm sorry you have been so low as to even consider it.  I'm a mama too and I know your little boy needs you.  It's a TON of pressure to be the parent providing for our little one and to feel like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. But, frankly, your child needs you sweetie.  And you will be okay!  You how I can tell?  I read an earnest desire for your life to work out better.  For you to be happy.  For you to move way WAY past your childhood trauma and be in a better place.  You will get there.  

Please never think of suicide as an option.  It isn't.  Things will get better.

Do you have any churches near you?  Even if you are not currently religious, churches can be such an awesome thing for a young mom such as yourself struggling. Many pastors also have some training in counseling.  Okay, not the kind that would benefit you most that can give you true treatment for the depression you've suffered but you may find a great deal of comfort and encouragement from working with a pastoral staff at a church.  My church offers not only that but also support groups.  And it could help with jobs, things for your child, etc.  Helping a young woman who has had such trauma in their life would be the honor of most church goers and it is usually done anonymously.  Does that make sense?  LOL  As in some would know your situation and others would just be there to provide what is needed.  Even rides. Child care. etc.  So, look at what might be around you that might interest you.  

Paxiled asked if you have anyone in your life that can help.  I so hope you do.  But remember, we have family and then we have friends that can be the family we choose.  

But first and foremost, working on your depression and suicidal thoughts would be essential.  We are here to support you and offer you encouragement any time you need it.  I'll be thinking of you.  I hope you come back and tell us how you are doing!
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