I feel terrible about myself

[West1984]

I don't know what to do anymore because i feel terrible about myself all the time.  I'm 27 and the more i try to figure out myself i realize that i've felt very alone since childhood. I have issues with my mother, who was more of a "friend" than a parent. And not even really a good friend... like the friend that gives you your first beer and joint and consistently tells you boys will like you better when your pretty.  On top of that, i've never met my father.  He had another family when he met my mom and got her pregnant that he went back to after i was born.  Majority of the good girlfriends in my life have just disappeared, stopped calling, or decided that I'm not worth their time. My boyfriend and I have had a strained relationship since he acquired an STD.  I feel insecure that he cheated on, and despite his reassurances that he didn't, things have been so different. Although i've tried to move on from this incident over the past two years, my self confidence is just destroyed. He seems like he doesn't even want to talk to me let alone do anything intimate with me.  When ever we talk about things, everything comes back to me being insecure and depressed and that if i could just work on myself than everything would be better.  And he tries to not say this directly, but it ends up being the message we keep coming too.  I know i can be difficult, and I know that I am depressed and can be a pill, but i feel like i'm loosing the motivation to keep trying.  No matter how hard I try, things seem to not work out, or i feel as though i'm making things worse for everyone i'm around.  I really just feel so alone. like no one can see past this wall of sadness and actually make a connection with me.  Nothing feels real.  I feel like my life and my interactions are just a waiting place for others to see how much better they are then me and then move on.  I sometimes take solace in that fact. that maybe me not being able to get myself together is an inspiration for all these normal people i come in contact with. I don't know.  I also lost my job a month ago and haven't had insurance since January, so i can't afford to go see a therapist.  I'm having a hard time finding free resources for help.  I know i need help but i am discouraged and unsure of how to go about getting it.  I just could use a little advice.  I know i'm not the only one struggling, but it often feels that way.  Thanks for taking the time to read this, i appreciate your help.

[West1984]

Thank you!!! Thank you for touching on everything that i put out there.  I really hope that one day I can offer a similar ray of hope for someone else the same way you just did :)  Putting my emotions on the internet for the world to see, was one of the scariest things I've ever done.  Everytime I've even broached the subject with my "friends" its like you can see the uncomfortable-ness, you can feel the inability to processes without judgement happening within them.  This is really the first time I've felt comfortable saying I'm sad and depressed.  And I feel BETTER from the response i've gotten.  This is a first for me... expression without regret or concern.  I'm sad, not bad.  I'm working on things, but isn't everyone?  This book i'm reading mentioned that life shouldn't be a struggle, but a wiggle (which the more i think of it, makes me laugh because i think of worms...)  
Anywho, the point is I think I can make an attempt at being more balanced and honest, considering I'm not the only one who feels bad about themselves.  I was thinking yesterday, I should start a journal.  I have started to contact some counselors and programs that work on a sliding income scale, so that is hopeful.  I am curious if an antidepressant will help me on my journey to feeling better.  When I was reading about the chemical imbalance caused by depression and how it can perpetuate not thinking clearly, It almost makes all my horrible thoughts seem as ridiculous as they probably are, but makes sense as to why they are always my first thoughts.  Do you use any Rx antidepressants?  I was put on lithium years back for bi-polar disorder (which i didn't think i had...) and absolutely hated it.  I had no memory of my days, felt quite dull and lethargic, and still felt depressed.  After that, I just stopped bringing it up with my doc and figured I'd be better off just feeling sad.  
Also, you mentioned you had some issues with you mom as well.  Have you been able to build a healthier relationship with her now that you have been working on yourself?  I feel so attached to her (and making her happy based on her crazy standards of "what is good") because she is my "only" relative.  I don't know my dad, my grandparents that i was close to passed (which had/has a part to do with my depression), and my aunts and uncles are spread all over the U.S. and I've never been that close with them.  I think everyone wants "Family" like blood related people that have the same name as you... if that makes sense.  I'm really nervous that we'll have to have some very serious conversation about the way our relationship makes me feel if we are ever really going to have a better mother/daughter relationship.  I don't want to hurt her feelings (which tends to happen VERY easily when i try to talk to her about this topic.) but i feel like i should be honest for my own sake.  I don't know... I'm sure i'll wait till i've worked on myself a bit more and feel better equipped to handle the talk?  Also, I asked my boyfriend to leave for a week or two so i can try to work on myself a bit and hopefully have a better idea of what we can do (or how i can communicate to him) so we can both feel better.
Well thanks again for your message.  It really made me feel much better.  I will continue to use these forums full of positive and caring people, like yourself.  It makes me feel great to know i can say what i want here and be supported and get great advice.  I hope that as I progress I can offer someone the help you have offered me.  Thank you! I hope you enjoy your weekend! All the best to you and really, really, thanks so much!!

[West1984]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.  I appreciate you coming back and "being there."  I will look into Thich Nhat Hanh and his advice.  I recently started reading "How to Heal Depression" by Harold Bloomfield and Peter McWilliams (recommended to me by a friend who has found a way to manage and deal with her depression, which i didn't even know she had...)  It has helped me to start looking at what I'm going through differently.  I think that most of us that are depressed assume that no one in the world could possibly feel the way we do or as bad or as terrible.  But that is just not true.  It seems more to me that we all feel the pretty much the same. And although I don't want others to feel this way, it makes me feel so much more normal in a sense.  It really has been the first time I don't feel that alone in YEARS.  You sharing your thoughts and expressing how unhappiness and depression have affected you are truly a blessing.  Thank you for your help!!

[patient49]

I think that most everyone is struggling with being happy. So, when others are inspired or feel better when they see someone else in misery, it is simply because they themselves are not happy. So I wouldn't see this as being helpful to anyone.

What I am realizing from my one lonliness and fear, is that I can embrace my lonliness and suffering and realize that it only makes me more beautiful! It also helps to know that there are so many people feeling this way or very similarly, so even though we all hide it, we shouldn't we should be able to be honest with ourselves and others. I know that a big part of this is being a good person at the same time. this is because "self induced" suffering is not beautiful, that is actually ugly. So i think the cure is to be a good person. it can be hard but I think it can be simple too. That way, all of our suffering will be inevitable and we can embrace it and be beautiful.

So I think anyone can do this. I think you should feel loved by your partner! It doesn't sound healthy, at least right now. And I'm guessing it's just as much his fault or more, as yours.

I read this yesterday and decided to respond today cos noone else has and I am on my computer all day and noticed :)  Wellness and deep happiness is possible.

Thich Nhat Hanh is a good guy to go to for advice/wisdom i believe :)

Love, Ash