Divorced, alone and desperate

[DesperatelySeekingHelp100]

I'm only writing because I'm in serious trouble.

I hope that a medical professional might have *real* help, not "think happy thoughts" suggestions.

I struggle day to day, 3 years after she asked for a divorce (divorce was final a year ago).  I lost my family, my soul mate, my identity, my purpose and my home.  We had been in couples counseling for 1.5 years, then she ended it. I have no friends, zero.. zip.  No family.  No one.  I went from a house full of people, activities and family, purpose, love, companionship to an apartment with nothing.  I was a father.

I am -profoundly alone.  I have no one to talk to, I don't matter to anyone.  I have nothing to offer anyone.  I am "on the outside looking in".

I am stuck, I can't seem to do anything.  I know I need to get out, but I'm terrified and everything seems so wrong, everyone I meet is a stranger (it's me, not them).  I want dearly to have my life back, but it's long gone.

The worst part is the *constant* memories of the good times, the constant thoughts about what went wrong, and the *constant* feelings of regret, trying to figure out what I could have done better.  I have no control over this, I've tried CBT, positive thougths, everything.

I am very emotional.  Never was before.  I cry, alot.
I have *extreme* anxiety issues.
I read the book "From abandonment to health", and it is dead-on with that I am experiencing, except I'm *still* in it.

I am not on any anti-depressants or anxiety medications.

I feel like I'm going to die, I have two boys counting on me and I'm holding on at work just barely.  

I see a therapist but he doesn't seem to have concrete answers.  I've talked with therapists since this started, it just seems to be talk.

My life is passing me by and I have no better idea of what to do now than when this started.

If anyone has a plan on how to get out of this, I'd be very grateful.

[Divdor]

I know you do not want any of the “think happy thoughts” posts and that is not what this is intended to be.  This is also not meant to be harsh, so I hope it helps and not hurts.

You got a divorce from your wife whom you loved dearly.  Your life has changed, but it is not over.  We control the things in life that we can, then roll with the punches over what we cannot.  Things cannot go back to what they were for you.  I am sorry for that.

Your family has changed.  It is a reality.

Based on your posts, you are dwelling on the divorce to an unhealthy degree.  You are no longer married and you want or wanted to be.  This is a circumstance that you cannot change with your ex-spouse.  You can however move on and date someone or choose to remain alone.  Whatever you choose make it a real choice.  “I choose to sit here on the couch tonight” or “I choose to ask someone out” should be a choice you make for yourself.

You have different living arrangements, but you still have a family and will always be a father.  Be the best Dad you can be.  You will screw up and have regrets as we all do.  Just do the best you can.

You have changed.  It is a reality.

We define our own identity.  Your identity is defined by circumstances and by whomever you say you are.  You cannot change the circumstances that led you to where you are now.  Some things are not defined by you.  “I am divorced” is a circumstance not defined by you.  “I am miserable” is self-determined choice that can be defined by you.  “I am seeking to be happy again” can also be a choice, but it is a different path than you are on now.

You definitely define your purpose.  We all have a drive to be something.  If I were driven to be a point guard for the Lakers, I might be able to get there, but it is unlikely.  If I am driven to help others, read books, paint, compose music, whatever, I know I can do that.  You did not lose your ability to have a purpose, your circumstances have changed and you must change with them.  You have no choice but to make changes in your life now.

Lastly, a home is not just defined as the dwelling you reside in.  A home is where you choose to live.  I mean really live in a spiritual sense.  I have known musicians that were home on a stage.  I have know religious people that were home in their church.  I have also known fathers that were home when they had their kids.  You still have a home, you just happen to reside in an apartment.

Seek and you shall find.  Seek happiness and change your circumstances.  You can “live” again.

[DesperatelySeekingHelp100]

Anything I had a passion for is gone.  Hobbies, activities, anything I do now gives me nothing.  I've forced myself to do hobbies I used to do, but there is no feeling.

It is like without my family, there is no point to anything.

I get to see my boys every month.  On those weekends, I spring into action, feel alive an do things.  Only to fall apart and wish I was dead when I drop them off.

I don't have any idea what to do.  I seem to be terrified of being alone.  

[DesperatelySeekingHelp100]

I hope you feel better.

Thanks for the advice, but in my post I said I have no friends.  None.

[Paxiled]

You're still a father.  That didn't end.  Relationships end, it hurts, and we who are the ones who are left probably never fully recover, but we do meet other people eventually and move on.  Therapists aren't oracles, and they're usually not that great at what they do, especially the ones who take insurance unfortunately, but if you find one who can get you moving that's what they do -- they don't give answers.  But there are no professionals on here, just fellow sufferers.  If therapy doesn't work for you it might be time to consider medication.  It's better to move on without it, as medication is hard to stop once you start, but if nothing else is working and you're still living in a relationship that ended 3 years ago you might be one who needs it to get started.

[Paxiled]

By the way, do you have a passion for anything?  Politics?  Religion?  Work?  The friends and family you had before you were married?  

[despairAngel]

I am a child of wo parents that divorced and all I can say is that go out and have fun with your friends because thanks t my parents divorce I have been in depression for four years at least and even then I feel like I am in heel so please go and have fun and enjoy that you can find somebody knew and live aging with a different adventure I wish I could but with what I am going through at my age I cant be certain but please be happy it makes me sad that it happened to because you sound like a very nice person thank you for listening