Does depression ever end?

[Carroll75]

Do any of you all seem plagued by depression?  I mean does it seem like it will never end?  I have been taking meds since 01 and then became major depressed in about 04 and started big time treatment.  Now, while  I am better, especially in outward appearances, I still have those same thoughts, those same feelings of self harm at times, I have terrible nightly dreams of people trying to hurt me or that I am still working yet very inadequate and everyone is hollering at me, and don't like me anymore.  I have so many things to be happy about and I usually feel happy(not sure how to put that) but something is always nagging at me, pulling me down, not allowing me to feel happiness.  It is as if it is not right for me to laugh, or anything of the like.  I feel guilty if I do and look to see who noticed me.  I just want to be "normal" again, enjoying life.  It is so difficult for me do do that.  Please has anyone been through this and what did you do.  And yes, I see a therapist.

[Carroll75]

I really do feel for you.  I can honestly say I know how you feel not just as people come up to you and say those words.  I am sorry you have gone through this your entire life.  What I haven't learned are the correct words to say to a fellow depression sufferer.  I mean, you know the life they lead, except it sounds much worse for you, so what can I say?  You have heard all of those "classic lines" and don't need to hear them again.  
I have felt bad for so many years that I have to make a decision, am I going to succumb to the arms of depression to finally suffocate me or I am going to find away to climb out of this pit of hell?  It is just so hard, so impossible to even get out of bed some days, to force myself to take those meds.  Perhaps if we work together, we can help one another on this journey.  I need friends that understand, that will join forces with me.

[homelessheart]

Hi Carroll, boy do I know what you mean. I'm not as lucky as some. I had depression since I was 8 years old and I am now 47 and am sorry to say my depression is still here. The weird thing is the depression isn't quite the same as back when I was younger. Because I was so young I didn't have all the baggage I do now. I just wanted to die. To commite suicide to get away from all the mental abuse. The pain was excrutiating.  Almost 40  years later the depression is still there even though the people are gone, but it is more complex now. All the baggage I picked up through life has changed it. It seemed that everytime I conquered one issue of my depression a new a new issue that I never dealt with would arise. I have never really laughted with real joy and meant it since I was 6 years old. When I do laugh it feels hollow, fake,cosmetic,  because there is no deep feeling behind it. I do take medication but that is not a cure all it is just to help me function. After 40 years my drepression is still there. Do I wish I was born without depression?  You bet! But since I can't wish it away I accept that I have it and it has become a part of my being. It is part of who I am.  I just hope that the lenghth of  my depression is an exception and not the rule. When you talk about your memory lose I have that too. I reasoned mine out like this. There was a lot of things that were so bad in my life for so long that if I didn't suppress some of those terrible memories I would literally be in torment so I suppress as many as I could, subconciously of course, for self preservation. Unfortunately my brain not only filters out bad memories it goes overboard and filters out other things I don't want to forget. The part of my brain that takes care of self preservation by filtering bad memories doesn't seem picky about what other memories get caught in the filter. Sorry I know that it is hard to understand what I am getting at but that is the only way I can explain my memory lapses. Sorry for the long story. I promise my next post will be more of a short note and less of an epic saga.

[ambery]

yes depression will go away with medecation in therapy which ever one you prefer.

[ambery]

yes depression will go away with medecation in therapy which ever one you prefer.

[Carroll75]

Thank you for your comment.  Regarding the nightmares.  Yes, I have been hurt as a child.  I was hurt by my dad till the age of eighteen when I left.  And I think the hospital dreams are because I had the car wreck which ruined my ability to work any longer.  I was a RN Clinical Supervisor.  Then I had the ECT which has ruined my memory and I have virtually no memory of nursing skills so I feel so inadequate.  I feel as if I am doing everything wrong.  I can do things but I question everything as to whether it is correct or not.  Like you, there are moments of happiness, but as soon as I realize I am smiling or feeling happy, I shut down because that can't be okay.  I feel so guilty over that.  And I worry about our children, are they okay, are they doing okay, have money, roof over their heads, food, etc.  Mine is a complicated story, probably not worth the time to tell it.  I wish I knew if my memory will ever recover from the ect which I last received in 2008 after receiving 36 treatments according to records I obtained, could be even more. Again, thank you for your comment, just talking to someone helps.

[Omusicgame]

Hi Carroll, I know how you feel.  I have gone through depression since 01 also.  I do feel like I am plagued by depression just as you are.  It ***** sometimes, but there are other times things feel good and I am very thankful again.  Its like it kinda just goes back and forth back and forth alot.  Happy, pissed, sad, ok, and then something pulling at me like you said.  Its like i know exactly how you feel.  
You say that you have nightmares at nights of people trying to hurt you, and people hollering at you and stuff.  Hmmm, well did someone yell at you before, or has anyone hurt u or tried to hurt you?  It sounds like that may still be a scar within you.  I mean, my sister used to scream at me alot and alot at my family.  She was and is very chemically imbalanced, and I still have affects from that. Not to mention drugs, and other things.  I mean its not easy Carroll.  I wish and pray, (if wishing doesnt work) that all of us who feel plagued with depression, can just let go, and move on with our lives.  But somehow it keeps holding on, and maybe it needs to, just so it can open our eyes up just a little more.