God I'm so lost. I don't know what to do.
I want to kill myself. I want to do it so bad. I know that before school starts I'll end up at least trying because god I can't handle the concept of actually getting my life together after all this mess. But I feel so guilty, I don't care about what my family thinks or feels. I know it's selfish but they don't need me, they'll learn to deal with it. Or they wont, that's up to them to decide. But my cat, my ******* cat of all things, is the one thing holding me back. I feel so guilty, she's my baby. I'm all she knows and she relies on me. Realistically she's old enough that she can live without me but I've been with her all her life and all of a sudden one day I just disappear? It'll destroy her. Not to mention I'd have to be in the house when I did it, what if she saw me? What if she knew? Would it make it worse? Would it make it better?
God there'd be so much to think about, so much to organize.
Unless I did it all beforehand, I could rehome her so it wouldn't hurt her as much.
She'd hurt for a while but she'd bond with her new owners and over time she'd accept them as her family and forget about me. But it'd kill me, I love her so much, I couldn't just give her away. I could never get her back, ever. If i didn't succeed then I could never get her back, it'd destroy me and no matter how much I wanted to I wouldn't be able to recover without her. Not to mention me wanting to get rid of my cat would be way beyond a red flag for my dad, he knows how much she means to me and what it'd mean.
I could lock her out of the house while she's playing outside, and do it then, she wouldn't even know but then how do I do it. I need to make it as easy as possible for my dad (impossible I know), if I slit my wrist then I'm damn near guaranteed death but it'll leave an overwhelming mess. I could overdose, but I've tried that more than once and I know the chance of that working isn't great based on what I have at hand. I could leave the house instead and go in the bushes somewhere so he wouldn't have to clean it up, or I could go to the water. That'd be nice. But it'd too much chance of being seen if I went to the water, it'd have to be the bushes.What would I write, what would I say. What would I tell him to do with my cat? He's not a cat person, he wouldn't love her as much as she needs but he'd look after her. What if he gave her away to someone who wouldn't do as good as he would? I wouldn't be able to see who she went to and what they were like. I guess it'd be better if he kept her.
I don't need to see my therapist anymore (fyi it's not for depression, its for anxiety). It's not going to help, they can only say the same thing so many times before it doesn't work anymore, I already know what I'm supposed to do, someone else telling me it instead isn't going to help. Then I'll have to go off the antidepressants, on one hand I like them. They're keeping me somewhat stable but on the other hand maybe it'd be good, it'd give me the push I need. I wouldn't care as much about what my cat thought, she'd get used to living without me and relying on someone else and if I didn't care about that then I could put an end to this whole mess. But what would they say? Either way I instigated the sessions and help and such and I can stop them too, they can force me to keep seeing them or keep taking the meds. God maybe I shouldn't tell them and just hoard the meds and pretend I'm taking them, no one would know and then I'd have enough to actually top myself with minimal mess.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a mess but I need to 'talk' things over to think things through properly. Actually talking to someone out loud generally helps a lot more than typing but of course I cant do that based on what this is about. God I'm a mess, sorry again about this.