am i really depressed?

[momo_tomomi]

i have been feeling depress for almost 6 years after i had a very bad quarrel with my family because they made empty promises, not able to further my studies after high school although i had brilliant results. i started to feel very down, trying to injure myself to ease the pain deep inside of me. eventually i chose to leave my home, thought i would be able to start all over again, but due to my family kept calling me complaining about their financial problems which actually cause by the addiction to gambling, asking for money at the same time again i sink into deep blue feelings, and still, i am unable to get over with the issue of furthering studies until today. Often i am a perfectionist, i get really stress up when things cannot be done nicely and smoothly. i cry although there is nothing provocative. i got better last year when i had a promising job with a good relationship. but good luck doesn't last long, i was pregnant, but it was ectopic pregnancy. i lost my baby, i lost one of my fallopian tubes. i can't accept the truth. Again, relapse. i switched job. the current job environment is even making my condition worse. I thought of suicide. i thought of running away. everyday, i feel like crying, i feel so weak, i have no energy. i feel like giving up. i am not doing what i used to like anymore. i am lost. Lately, i started to notice that i am doing things which i am not suppose to, i say things which is not nice to hear, get agitated easily, acting real strange at work. i can't control my emotions. Am i depressed or am i going crazy? i feel like killing myself.

[enocenip]

Your post broke my heart.  You've had some very harsh experiences while very young. The comments at the end of your post seem to show that maybe some equally harsh survival instincts are arising within you in self defense, which is good, but it seems you may not be channeling them in a healthy way. If you are angry at the way some bad people have treated you, I hope you try to channel your anger into a strong determination to get yourself into a better position, such as by working your way through school and becoming independent.

Families and lovers are supposed to protect us and help us gain the means to prosper. From your post, it seems your family and the man you were involved with did not have your best interests in mind. We need to protect ourselves from dangerous people. Frequently, such people are our own parents or lovers, people who should help and protect us but instead betray us. If your financial position is precarious, no doubt that is why you want to continue school and develop a career. That is a good idea and you should work hard to make it a reality.

It is a harsh reality, but life is a struggle for survival. The harsh reality is that only the strong survive. You must be strong and work hard, but that is not an excuse to be bad. My parents never gave us anything but only ruined our family with a long, acrimonious divorce. My sister got pregnant at age 16, and although her boyfriend married her, he turned into a drunk. But my sister studied and put herself through nursing school. She has now been a nurse many years and is wealthy and proud of herself, while her ex-husband is nothing.

Don't let yourself get depressed. Make a realistic future plan and then work hard to achieve it. You have to be strong. Try to channel your bad feelings into a strong determination to accomplish your goals and never allow yourself to become dependent on selfish, untrustworthy people.

Good luck.

[lost_myself]

Im sorry to hear your feeling so bad. It does seem like you are a bit down (depressed) you noted some of the classic symptoms . We all have rough patches in life and naturally when things aren't good it will affect you in some way. At the end of this post I will attach something I shared on the prayer forum a while back that may help you see things a lil different.. As for for your family..I too,like you, tend to feel a "responsibility" to help or take care of others,especially family and friends, whether with money or helping with responsibilities that arent mine etc..It really brought me down for a while but, the truth is, the only one you are are responsible for is you. I know it seems harsh but you cannot sacrifice your health and well being worrying about other peoples issues (gambling caused this shortness of money). Its great to help out and lend a hand when needed but not at your expense and not when the situation was avoidable and self induced. I know it feels selfish to think this way but is you dont take care of you,then who will? this is a temporary thing and things will get better. You are clearly very intelligent and given a little time and percpective you can work through this easily. Do not EVER consider a permanent "solution"  (suicide) to this temporay problem..Take care...heres the attachment

Life is full of different seasons. There are growing seasons, where we’re seeing increase and promotion and making all kinds of progress and then there are seasons of trials, difficulties and hardships where it seems as if we are taking a step backwards. It may seem so, but it’s during the pruning seasons that God is positioning us for something greater.

If we are going to become everything God has created to be, just as we receive the growing seasons in life, we have to accept the pruning seasons, as well. God will never take something away without putting you in a position to receive something new. What you think may be the worst thing that could have happened could turn out to be one of the best.

When you’re in a slow season and not seeing any growth and it seems as if things important in your life are being taken away, stay in faith; the disappointment and loss wasn’t meant to work against you, but for you. If you will stay in faith, that season will come to an end and you will come into a new season of growth, opportunity and new friendships. You are being pruned for one reason: so you can bloom, so you can blossom, so you can spread your wings and be everything God has created you to be