From nothing to anger(and rage) to horrible sadness

[noitris]

Hi! I was hoping you could help me here, because I realize I have a problem now.
I`m a 14 year old INTP girl. I was usually closed inside myself. Never talked much, never gone outside the house besides school and weekend activities with my parents.
But since September 2009, when a new school year began, I opened up bit by bit. I befriended more people and began to talk more. Usually I was a cold, cool thinker but now this emotions are clouding my entire vision! I tried to be my old self, but failed.
Anyway, it`s been some weeks since I started feeling these disturbing mood swings. Today I seriously thought about committing suicide in one of my sadness periods.
I have his problems since I found out that a boy in my class liked another girl. I suddenly felt nothing at all.
It was obviously a relief, but then I felt this devastating sadness that can`t be explained with words. I managed to get through it, but suddenly this anger made me almost destroy something.
These feelings became more powerful lately. I mean, I`m scared I`m going to hurt somebody. I almost did today.
I don`t think they are triggered  by something specifically, but listening to this really sad song won`t help at all.
Please, help me with these problems! What should I do? Can I get back to my older self?

[dame_wilbur]

Talking with your friends sounds like a good start. As for the anger, I found that writing things down can really help. That, and when I got really bad rage attacks, I got a standing punching bag and taught myself to beat the heck out of it. That and trowing eggs at a wall in the back yard. The crack is *very* satisfying.

Good luck!

[noitris]

Thanks for the help!

I`ve always managed to keep myself together and these thoughts are normal for me after so many years. It`s just that this sadness overwhelms me lately and suicide might be a escape.
And the rage won`t help at all. I just feel it coming and then I try to keep it inside or punch something far away from other kids. Out of it all, nothing is a bliss!

Because of my parents I haven`t done it. It would kill my mother, I know it. It`s just a really big step and before I won`t be able to manage it almost at all, I don`t think I`ll tell them. I can`t.

I`ll try to talk to my friends, though. It`s easier to talk to them and they give great advices, just like you! If I`ll try to write that letter, it won`t be ready for a really long time. But I`ll try...

Thanks. I really hope I won`t hurt any friend. I couldn`t live with it, even if I just scratched them.

By the way, do you know any good way to manage the anger while you feel it? I googled it and tried some things like deep breathing, but without much success.

[noitris]

Thanks for the help!

I`ve always managed to keep myself together and these thoughts are normal for me after so many years. It`s just that this sadness overwhelms me lately and suicide might be a escape.
And the rage won`t help at all. I just feel it coming and then I try to keep it inside or punch something far away from other kids. Out of it all, nothing is a bliss!

Because of my parents I haven`t done it. It would kill my mother, I know it. It`s just a really big step and before I won`t be able to manage it almost at all, I don`t think I`ll tell them. I can`t.

I`ll try to talk to my friends, though. It`s easier to talk to them and they give great advices, just like you! If I`ll try to write that letter, it won`t be ready for a really long time. But I`ll try...

Thanks. I really hope I won`t hurt any friend. I couldn`t live with it, even if I just scratched them.

By the way, do you know any good way to manage the anger while you feel it? I googled it and tried some things like deep breathing, but without much success.

[noitris]

Thanks for the help!

I`ve always managed to keep myself together and these thoughts are normal for me after so many years. It`s just that this sadness overwhelms me lately and suicide might be a escape.
And the rage won`t help at all. I just feel it coming and then I try to keep it inside or punch something far away from other kids. Out of it all, nothing is a bliss!

Because of my parents I haven`t done it. It would kill my mother, I know it. It`s just a really big step and before I won`t be able to manage it almost at all, I don`t think I`ll tell them. I can`t.

I`ll try to talk to my friends, though. It`s easier to talk to them and they give great advices, just like you! If I`ll try to write that letter, it won`t be ready for a really long time. But I`ll try...

Thanks. I really hope I won`t hurt any friend. I couldn`t live with it, even if I just scratched them.

By the way, do you know any good way to manage the anger while you feel it? I googled it and tried some things like deep breathing, but without much success.

[noitris]

Thanks for the help!

I`ve always managed to keep myself together and these thoughts are normal for me after so many years. It`s just that this sadness overwhelms me lately and suicide might be a escape.
And the rage won`t help at all. I just feel it coming and then I try to keep it inside or punch something far away from other kids. Out of it all, nothing is a bliss!

Because of my parents I haven`t done it. It would kill my mother, I know it. It`s just a really big step and before I won`t be able to manage it almost at all, I don`t think I`ll tell them. I can`t.

I`ll try to talk to my friends, though. It`s easier to talk to them and they give great advices, just like you! If I`ll try to write that letter, it won`t be ready for a really long time. But I`ll try...

Thanks. I really hope I won`t hurt any friend. I couldn`t live with it, even if I just scratched them.

By the way, do you know any good way to manage the anger while you feel it? I googled it and tried some things like deep breathing, but without much success.

[dame_wilbur]

No problem, I'm online a LOT because of my disability. If you've been having suicidal thoughts since you were a little kid, you may have had depression for years. That would explain why you were so quiet as a kid. I'm not saying that being quiet is a bad thing, just that it might answer some questions.

It's *very* hard to tell your parents things like this. I know when I became suicidal, I was terrified to tell my mom. However, I did because I knew that my killing myself would hurt her FAR MORE than hearing that I was suicidal could. It's scary as all get-out, but asking for help is key to getting better, and not hurting yourself or other people. I know this because my mom's best friend's son committed suicide and it just crushed his mother. She's never gotten over it really.

I'm glad that you have friends that you can talk to, that's huge. Forums like this one are also great, but we're really no substitution for your parents' or a doctor's help. You say that you're not a big talker. Would it be easier for you to tell your parents about this if you wrote them a letter? You could then either just give it to them, or read the letter aloud, looking at the piece of paper instead of at them. I often use letters to tell things to my father, as it's easier for me than looking him in the face.

Above all, know that YOU WOULD BE MISSED. And your desire to not hurt somebody you've befriended is going to help get you to a safe place.

stay safe,

~Dame

[noitris]

Thanks for the fast reply.

I`m not really comfortable about talking about this with anyone, except 2 or 3 friends and these forums. I just can`t do it. I feel safe with my parents, but I`m not much of a talker.

I thought about suicide first when I was very little, something like 7 or 8 years old. It just seemed so simple and safe to know you can end it all. Now it became more complicated.

I was always the quiet one, always thought my brain was different. People treated me different at school and I was always the black sheep. It`s just strange that I feel this is normal, but it isn`t according to others.

Now I just want this to stop. Before I hurt anybody. I don`t think many would miss me, but I can`t afford to hurt someone I befriended.

[dame_wilbur]

I suggest you talk to your parents NOW about this. 14 is an age where your brain starts changing chemically, as well as your body changing hormonally, and something might be messed up. I'm not saying that YOU are messed up, but sometimes our bodies don't behave the way that they should.

Suicidal ideation is NOT a good sign, and you need to be completely honest with your parents about it. Talk to your school counselor if you don't feel safe approaching your parents (I hope that you do feel safe with them though).

I was your age when I started seeing a psychiatrist, and was put on an anti-depressant that's helped me a lot over the years. It's highly possible that getting back to your "old self" is as simple as needing to swallow a pill each day.

However, you also need to be aware that you're hitting (if not have hit) puberty, and that your body and brain are undergoing a complete rewiring as they mature. Weird thoughts and feelings are part of puberty, but should still be taken seriously.

Good luck and I hope your talk with your parents goes well,

~Dame