I'm 19, and I'm currently in university and I work part time. I just got back from a "much needed " vacation and I have really had enough feeling the way I do. I can never get answers from doctors because they just tell me it's stress, how can I be stressed my entire life. Basically I think I need help, the closest thing I have it say is I think I'm depressed and that I've been depressed. Since I was maybe 14 I could remember. I had a lot of traumatic things Happen to me, involving homelessness, sexual and physical abuse from both strangers and family members. But I think it's more than that, and those things are just excuses. I have a very young mother who tries her best and always done her best and is still taking care of my little brothers. and she also has mental health problems. I just wish there was someone to help me, help my family. But I feel like I need to get outta this funk first. Some of the symptoms I have is that since I was at least 10 I always had bad dreams, and negative thoughts... I first noticed that when I was 8 I would always think of worst cases if I'm in a car, or In a bad situation I imagine myself dying or myself accidentally killing someone else. And Immediately don't feel afraid of the situation, even though I have night terrors every night, I enjoy sleeping. I feel it's better than my own reality. I've attempted suicide 3 times. Won't mention how, but I have a scar that goes along the vein on my left arm that I constantly lie about. And pills only made me sleep and left me very weak. I stopped eating last year, I have no reason I just feel grossed out by food I'm lactose so there isn't much for me to eat n enjoy anyways, unless it was the right time or I starved myself for to long, 8 months ago my mother introduced me to feeling comfortable smoking weed, Which allowed me to eat but never helped get my appetite back and put my negative thoughts away for a few minutes. I feel like my mind is constantly telling me to give up, like subconsciously I don't want to live but I almost feel like I have to... But don't deserve to.
I just need help. I don't know how much longer I can fight myself. I love my family and everything they do, but I just can't help myself anymore. Sometimes I feel better off.
I've contacted doctors and talk to people, I never tell them the intimates but it feel like reaching out is the first step, finding someone to listen and help is the beginning. So I'm taking a chance on here.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.