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Guilt related to childhood
Hello. I really need advice and I don't know where else to turn. I'm a 25 year old male and I've been quite happy and well until recently.
Over the past few days, I've started having memories of two particular moments from my childhood that I could not recall for a number of years that have left me feeling extremely guilty, full of shame and very much in a deeply regretful state. In both cases, I was very young, probably under the age of 7 or 8. The first incident involved myself and a girl who was a couple of years younger than me. I was at her home with a bunch of other friends. I remember the girl and I sort of liked eachother and we sneaked off into another room while the others were doing whatever it was they were doing. At some point we ended up in bed under the covers. We ended up playing a "show me yours and I'll show you mine" game. We didn't touch, but we looked at eachother.
The second incident was with a female cousin who's roughly the same age as me. I remember we were in my old bedroom one day laying in the bed with our clothes on. At some point we tried to kiss, and with both reached down eachother's pants. We did not touch eachother's genitals and we never removed our clothes, thank god, but I still feel a deep amount of shame. I feel deep shame for both incidents. I haven't been able to talk to anybody about it. I'm scared about what my parents might think and I dread to think what my girlfriend would think about all of this. Since these memories have come back, I've hardly been able to stay happy. I know I was only a child at the time and I know for sure that my intentions were not hurtful, but it feels awful to live with all of this in my mind. I don't know what to do. I feel sick just typing this all up and I'm crying my eyes out everytime I think about it.
I haven't had any contact with the younger girl for a number of years and I lost touch with my cousin after a major family dispute. I don't know if either of them can remember anything and if they do, I don't think I'll ever know how they feel about any of it. The thing that really hurts is that I've heard that my cousin was involved in an incident years later when she was in her mid-teens that involved someone who was under the age of 6. It makes me wonder if what we did was one of the catalysts for her wrongful behaviour. I don't want to feel responsible for what she did and I don't want my loved ones to think I'm responsible for it either. I don't want this to haunt me for the rest of my life.
What makes it worse is that I've lived a relatively normal life since these incidents. I did well at school, went to college, I'm steadily employed, have good friends, never been in trouble with the police and I'm in a strong relationship with a woman I love deeply. I should be on top of the world, but I feel like these incidents will destroy all of it. Please, I need advice.
Over the past few days, I've started having memories of two particular moments from my childhood that I could not recall for a number of years that have left me feeling extremely guilty, full of shame and very much in a deeply regretful state. In both cases, I was very young, probably under the age of 7 or 8. The first incident involved myself and a girl who was a couple of years younger than me. I was at her home with a bunch of other friends. I remember the girl and I sort of liked eachother and we sneaked off into another room while the others were doing whatever it was they were doing. At some point we ended up in bed under the covers. We ended up playing a "show me yours and I'll show you mine" game. We didn't touch, but we looked at eachother.
The second incident was with a female cousin who's roughly the same age as me. I remember we were in my old bedroom one day laying in the bed with our clothes on. At some point we tried to kiss, and with both reached down eachother's pants. We did not touch eachother's genitals and we never removed our clothes, thank god, but I still feel a deep amount of shame. I feel deep shame for both incidents. I haven't been able to talk to anybody about it. I'm scared about what my parents might think and I dread to think what my girlfriend would think about all of this. Since these memories have come back, I've hardly been able to stay happy. I know I was only a child at the time and I know for sure that my intentions were not hurtful, but it feels awful to live with all of this in my mind. I don't know what to do. I feel sick just typing this all up and I'm crying my eyes out everytime I think about it.
I haven't had any contact with the younger girl for a number of years and I lost touch with my cousin after a major family dispute. I don't know if either of them can remember anything and if they do, I don't think I'll ever know how they feel about any of it. The thing that really hurts is that I've heard that my cousin was involved in an incident years later when she was in her mid-teens that involved someone who was under the age of 6. It makes me wonder if what we did was one of the catalysts for her wrongful behaviour. I don't want to feel responsible for what she did and I don't want my loved ones to think I'm responsible for it either. I don't want this to haunt me for the rest of my life.
What makes it worse is that I've lived a relatively normal life since these incidents. I did well at school, went to college, I'm steadily employed, have good friends, never been in trouble with the police and I'm in a strong relationship with a woman I love deeply. I should be on top of the world, but I feel like these incidents will destroy all of it. Please, I need advice.
Best Answer
Thank you again, brice1967.
I remember there was no force or violence on either side in both situations. I had no aggressive tendencies as a child and I cared deeply for both of them. One was a close friend, the other was a cousin I got along well with. I got along with them for a number of years even after the fact, actually, now that I think about it. We've drifted apart, be it through getting older, moving away, family disputes or whatever else, but I just hope I haven't caused upset and that at least the younger girl is living a normal life. I've managed to live a normal life up to now, she deserves the same.
Professional help may be my next move.
I remember there was no force or violence on either side in both situations. I had no aggressive tendencies as a child and I cared deeply for both of them. One was a close friend, the other was a cousin I got along well with. I got along with them for a number of years even after the fact, actually, now that I think about it. We've drifted apart, be it through getting older, moving away, family disputes or whatever else, but I just hope I haven't caused upset and that at least the younger girl is living a normal life. I've managed to live a normal life up to now, she deserves the same.
Professional help may be my next move.
I can feel your pain in your writing. What happened obviously had an impact on you and I think it is normal to think that it did on others as well. What is important to remember is, you can only control YOU and you can only control NOW.
As wrong as you feel this was, it looks completely consensual. There was no violence and nobody forced themselves on anybody. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but those are the facts... correct? Speaking to a professional about this will hopefully give you an opportunity to get this squared away. It may or may not have affected the others, and the help you get will give you ways to deal with this.
As wrong as you feel this was, it looks completely consensual. There was no violence and nobody forced themselves on anybody. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but those are the facts... correct? Speaking to a professional about this will hopefully give you an opportunity to get this squared away. It may or may not have affected the others, and the help you get will give you ways to deal with this.
Thank you for responding, I really, really appreciate it. Professional help has been on my mind for a couple of days now. I'm trying my best to reassure myself everyday that it was a long time ago. I'm a good person with a loving heart and I hope I haven't hurt anybody. I've never, in my entire life, set out to hurt anybody and the thought of these childhood events causing somebody else harm is too much to bear.
If this is really getting to you, perhaps you should seek the advice of a mental health expert. It sounds like you are dealing with a good bit of anxiety and I know how that can alter life.
What I would tell you is this. What happened, happened a long time ago. Both encounters sound as if they were consensual and I am sure a lot of kids that age have done similar things. You can only take responsibility for your part in this and I think it is critical to remember that this happened 17-18 years ago.
Looking back, perhaps you feel guilty about it all. You are giving it judgement that you couldn't give back then, and that may be where the anxiety comes from. Seek the advice of a professional or two for guidance on this.
What I would tell you is this. What happened, happened a long time ago. Both encounters sound as if they were consensual and I am sure a lot of kids that age have done similar things. You can only take responsibility for your part in this and I think it is critical to remember that this happened 17-18 years ago.
Looking back, perhaps you feel guilty about it all. You are giving it judgement that you couldn't give back then, and that may be where the anxiety comes from. Seek the advice of a professional or two for guidance on this.
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For some reason, telling each other of the times we wanted to murder each other and even made plans to do so, seems to be different than the shame and guilt that sexual contact generates...
Have you tried journaling to yourself a letter you might send to your cousin and just pour all your feelings into it that you are struggling with now. I do know exactly what you are talking about with her and then with her incident as she got older....When we are children we think like children and only act in our own interests, as we grow in maturity we realize that everything that we do does have a rebound effect somewhere down the road, and I think this is what you are talking about....You don't even have to ever mail the journal letter to anyone, and you could use it as a starting point to a daily or weekly journal. The great thing about writing down feelings is that we can go back to them and see if we are moving forward with our emotional life or staying stuck....
I just listened to a TED Talk on Youtube by Brene Brown and she says in her experience, Shame will keep you from fully developing and moving on in life. I think like Brice said, perhaps it is time to talk to a professional about your experiences. I do wish you the very best
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