Help more than depression afraid of everything

[Nonhuman]

I'm afraid of everything
From talking to doing things I don't enjoy anything even if I try so hard to get involved takes me ages to understand something or ingage in it, my attention is terrible I wander into thoughts or past experiences which I have failed in or felt **** which seems to be most of my life
what should I be doing instead of this I generally can't function in life evrything is so hard n too hard I get confused and frustrated people get annoyed I'm not listening or not doing what they have said but I try so hard, if I listen and get a story I don't know what to say back it's like my brain doesn't work I can only seem to express these feelings to people not that I can discuss this with many
My memory is shot so what's the point if I don't remember or cant come up with a decent sentence or story about something I don't even hear the right lyrics in music I've realised for years I've been like this n just clock out I get a couple of lines easy ones n that's it
I wanna know songs I wanna be able to talk and talk and song and be excited about something it just doesn't happen
My conversation and vocal vocab is terrible
Can't spell can't pronounce things properly
I feel like I put on a act or something just to appear normal but far from that
No confidence and if it is it's fake most of the time I know **** all about things sometimes I even think stop dwelling on this and learn something but I'm like what's the point I can't remember or is this really valuable to learn I could be doing this and that even now I'm thinking what's the point in writing this I should be reading something else
Reading is hard to concertrate and be interested tv it's hard to take in details I ended up repeating things in my head to try to remember but that doesn't work n I miss the next thing
I don't have any interests I just follow people like sheep I feel like I'm just an extra body their I listen but normally have nothing remotely decent to say back
I've been in shipping for seven years and realised I know **** all Last job I could just copy stuff but now I've moved it's harder than that - I don't remember to take notes which frustrates me when jobs are repeated N if I note something I cannot find it which frustrates me so much
just go through every day and don't seem to learn anything permanently
I'm stuck in rud I feel like I'm so vunuable to people as I can't question them I normally have the wrong. End of the stick but if I am right I don't have the words to convince them and to explain
I'm only alive as I'm afraid of death and the people I will scare if I die
I'm also catholic and would be a sin even though I haven't been to church in ages

Evrything seems pointless

I also smoked weed from 17-24 thought that made me happy but all that time I was just talking in my head exploring angles of my life each a dead end and I feel I've wasted my life and brain maybe that's why I'm so **** but even when I look back to childhood I've been the same hiding from evrything the weed has just masked it

I'm so scared and feel like I can't go on this feels like hell to me just wanna be able to have a decent happy conversation and learn stuff which is meaning full and I don't lose x
I'm pretty sure I've been like this for ever I'm having flashbacks of all my life and cannot seem to get rid of them
I find if I focus on one thing I end up in my thoughts even though I try so hard and seems like this has always happened

Sorry for the long post just so frustrated numb helpless and feel so empty

[Nonhuman]

Thank u for your reply I've been to the doctors and they have given me sertline I feel like a nervous reck I can't even bring myself to go to the shops for stuff until the last minute, I feel so **** until night time when my brain says u can do this extra my head is frequently talking to me or drifting out of reality to passed memories  that makes me see I've always been this way in some sense it's terrible I just wanna be normal n enjoy something I feel like everything is pointless, everyday is a struggle evrything is piling up around me
I went away this weekend for some peace with my other half but evrything was so hard walking round the shops I don't know what to do with myself I feel so awkward n feel like I've tried to spend money to treat myself to something that doesn't help
All I can think is more stuff to sort look after wash
I surprised my other half is still with me I don't talk **** all as nothing comes to mind to say it's like my brain has stopped working, my mind just talks n I'm not in this world in sick of this

[remar]

These are all symptoms of depression. Many of us go through the memory problem thing. It's so frustrating! It sounds like you may have some anxiety going on too.
Have you ever been in counseling or tried medication? If not, I highly recommend you see a therapist. It really can do wonders to help your depression.
We're always here to listen and help anyway we can. We do understand what you're going through because most of us here on this forum also have depression.