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How can i stop suicidal thoughts?

I keep having these thoughts of taking my life.I dont sleep much at night because i often wake to anxiety and panic attacks.I will fall asleep after taking something to help me sleep because otherwise i cant sleep.I wake up a few hours into my sleep soaked in sweat my heart racing and feeling lite headed.I then cant go back to sleep and i spend the rest of the day miserable.I have always had thoughts of taking my life that come and go but recently i look around and think of ways i could do it.My life sucks im miserable i can not carry a relationship due to my mental condition i suffer from ocd anxiety depression and paranoid disorder and i am currenlty seeing a psychologist.I am on and off medication because of fears i have taking them.I was given lexapro which made me feel worse and i stopped after two weeks.I also have xanax which i use when i go to sleep and that helps for a small time but it scares me with all the horror stories i just want to no longer fear life.I am afraid of the world and i see it different.When i look at people smile i know pain exists behind it but it annoys me when people smile even tho i know life for everyone is not gravy..People are so fake and treat life like a internet profile with their faces buried in cell phones.When i go outside i dont look the earth like i used to.It seems like the color has been washed away.I recently was put under for a procedure it was the best sleep i got in a long time i looked at it as a deep sleep and i wonder if thats is what forever would feel like if i just could build the courage to off myself.I never had a good childhood and i am a failure in life i let alot of people down and i find happiness in nothing.The only smile i register is when my dog pays attention to me.He is the only reason i have yet to do it.I know without me he would not be happy and i need to be responsible as i took the dog in so i need to take care of it.I just wish i had someone to talk to and not some suicide hotline filled with people trained to sound like they give a damn.
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Avatar universal
First, I get you.  It took a drug reaction to get me to where you are and growing old, though.  The reality of life is if you're still breathing you're winning.  Life just is.  It's not a contest.  People have turned it into a contest with this completely artificial life we've built with our civilization, but real life is finding food, shelter and clothing and water, and consuming it and everything else we made up.  When you see a bird outside your window, do you think of it as winning or losing or do you just think of it as being alive and that is enough?  So that's reality.  But humans have a cerebrum and it can drive us nuts or drive us to make beautiful music and it makes all of us different from one another in what we truly want.  If you let people down, unless you've done some really awful things to other people that's their judgment you're buying into, not reality.  They probably don't actually spend that much time thinking about you at all in that way.  I realize you have a problem with medication, and that's healthy, but if therapy isn't working and you really do think about suicide, it might be time to give medication a better try.  Make sure your psychologist is really doing something more than just chatting -- if that's all that's going on, find another one.  Nobody can guarantee this will go away, but if you don't try to fix it it won't get fixed.  
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Oh, and have you had a really really thorough exam with a doctor?  Some of what you describe can be a sign of a thyroid problem or a nutritional deficiency.  There are problems people have that most docs aren't very good at finding because they are hard to find.    
My diet is pretty bad butt that is do to income and not being able to afford to live in a place with a proper kitchen to prepare meals I eat alot of fast food or prepared meals i try to eat prepared salads but i dont like the taste.My dental health is bad and i cant afford the work because my insurance wont cover it.I have only seen the psychologist once and we went over a couple things such as  the abuse from my mother at a young age and my father never being a huge part in life until was older.I have never had any ambition and no desire in life due to so many failures at what i wanted.Pouring my heart and soul into something only to have it torn away from me really did a number and made matters worse.People alwas say when you get knocked down get up and go again but i have been knocked down so many times i have lost the will to get up.

I have a learning disability that went undiagnosed in my youth and had huge impact on my life.My parents never cared about my schooling or gave me the motivation to try harder.I would come home to a father at work and a mother who would somehow manage to find a bingo game all week.If she lost i expected to be beaten when she came home if she won there was my favorite cereal on the table in the morning.My father was very loving when he would come home and try his best to protect me but she physically abused him to.My father always told me to never lay a hand on a woman and as  i watched him be beaten knowing he could have over powered her it left a impact and i never hit a woman in my life because i admired his strength and that commitment.I have had a few jobs and could never hold them longer than a month.I had one job where they liked me enough to let me go and rehire me periodically as i would go through depression that would make my ocd symptoms get worse and it would affect my work.After that company closed down i was thrown into the world of large corporations who never gave a **** about my problems.I remember once working in a a large box retail store.One of the workers was opening a cardboard box with a razor knife and cut himself then proceeded to ring up a customer leaving his blood on the register.My ocd went nuts and ever since i look at keypads on devices differently i refuse to touch them and if i absolutely have to i make my way to the nearest sink for a good hand washing.After the incedent i started seeing blood everywhere on everything even on brand new products in stores and i felt like some higher power was torturing me.My family thought i was insane until they witnessed my finding on basically anything i would attempt to touch like groceries clothing even food at resteraunts at one point trying to get over this fear my father took me to lunch only to have the waitress have a bleeding open wound on her finger bleeding all over my plate pushing my beliefs even further and making myu father think i had some kind of psychic power.

My realtionships dont last because every time a woman comes into my life i fear and interaction due to disease.I always start to question past partners and then judge them on that.One woman i went on one date with began to tell me her ex was a iv drug user and i never talked to her again.I avoid kissing because i fear disease so when the time comes for that they get annoyed and some have tried to make it work but eventually without the human interaction we all seek they decide my personality alone isnt worth going without human interaction on the physical level.I just gave up because its only selfish of me to deprive someone of that.After all of what i told you how can you believe my lifeis worth living?I feel like being born was a mistake.I beat out many other racers during conception and that makes me feel even more guilty because one of thos little polywogs probably would have led a better and much more meaningful life.I feel like i was a burden on my parents and i failed them.Other families talk of their children and their accomplishments while my parents drink heavily and choose to not listen as they stare at me across the room with hateful stares in my direction.I am used as a example by my siblings to their children as basically not to live like its some kind of choice.My nephews call me a drug addict because my use of xanax thanks to their mother who loves to make me feel even worse.I dont even abuse the medication i take on a night to sleep and occasionaly when my panic gets bad and those ar ethe lowest dose but trying to help myself i am made to feel even worse.The only sister that meant alot to me moved far away and i barely get to see her husband resally doesnt like me and even made it a point once to get upset while i was visiting becaus emy sister was paying to much attention to me.I have a brother who suffers from bipolar and schizophrenia who weighs almost 500lbs who has more bad than good days mentaly and that is alot to deal with.I just feel like closing my eyes forever would be much easier.I just dont know why society has to make me feel guilty about choosing to take my own life.Its mine and i should be able to do as i want.Religion always plays a powerful role as well.I feel like the message of jesus was to suffer foir the good of humnity and as i look around i ask myself where the humanity is hiding.Just a buch of busy people chasing a dream only to die and leave it behind.I often walk through cemeteries wonder about those lifes buried.
When you're truly poor there are resources out there, depending on the state you live in.  Avoiding dental care only makes it more expensive later, not less.  Same with medical care.  But as to the main issue, I can't obviously tell you life is worth living.  Or not worth living.  I wouldn't be on this site if I didn't feel the same as you do.  You have a lot in your life that doesn't sound pleasant both past and present.  When a person gets to where you are, medication is the best solution as a first thing, and that medication isn't Xanax, it's an antidepressant.  I have no idea if you have OCD or not, but you do appear to suffer from phobias and a lot of anxiety, but Xanax only works for a time and then wears off.  Antidepressants work all the time if you find one that does work, and takes some experimentation.  Nobody can give you will -- most have it without knowing why, it just is there because living things have survival instinct.  That's what drove you to this website.  I can't tell you how to stop judging yourself by a standard nobody can meet.  But if you can find an antidepressant that works, it'll calm the urgency down and you can work better on the longer term work of therapy.  You have a lot to work on.  If it's any consolation, people with real stuff that happened to them have a better chance in therapy than those who have no clue as to why they have mental problems.   I'm not one of those who find suffering ennobling, and neither are you.  The only suggestion I can make is to see a psychiatrist and give antidepressants a better shot than two weeks.  They don't even start working for most people until 4-6 weeks.  Depressed people keep tripping over themselves.  Anxious people do the same.  So again, if you can tamp that down, maybe you can stop sabotaging yourself with your way of thinking.  Maybe you can't.  Worth a try, though.  
I have ocd have since as far as i can remember.My parents didnt want to acknowledge it do to the fear of me being labeled.I was my hands about 40 times a day and i also have rituals most are typical counting and returning to a spot due to fear something bad will happen "example - i am walking up the stairs and in my head i hear a voice telling me to go down one step and if i dont something bad will happen to myself or someone i love".I give in almost every time because there have a been a few times i havent and bad things have happened or almost happened i remember once i was driving and i heard the voice tell me to loop through a parking lot so i listened and when i did about 20 feet down the raod a car nailed another taking a left.It would have been me if i didnt turn into that lot.Its things like that i cant overcome.The blood everywhere it was there i wasnt imagining it.My ocd will sometimes get really bad other times not so bad.When it does get worse it can be for many months.I once went three months refusing to eat anywhere but a particular mcdonalds i ate 1 cheeseburger everyday for three months and i would only drink one drink a day a 20oz vault that my dad had to purchase at a particular store and the soda had to be placed into a bag.I lost 30 lbs eating mcdonalds i didnt feel good but i really dont know why i did that.I cant remember if it was fear of being poisoned or what but thats what had to be done for me to get through my day.I spent every minute in my bedroom unless i had to use the bathroom and i refused to go out.It reminds me of that scene from the aviator when howard hughes locked himself into his room.The degree of suffering is never the same sometimes i can do better than others but its unpredictable.I do believe there are triggers u just dont recall what they are.I know my mind controls me it feels like its firing on 80 cylinders its always going it never stops.Right now as i comment i am having a million thoughts that come so fast trying to understand them is like trying to reach out and grab lightning.Part of my problem with medication is that it makes me feel inferior to others.Why do i need to be on pills for the rest of my life what makes everyone else so damn special.Yeah i get it i have a problem but if i am to rely on science to solve it that makes me feel less confident in my religious beliefs.Also side effects scare the **** out of me and i dont want to wake up 15 years from now a casualty of some drug companies experiment.
It sounds like you're having a very tough time and for that I'm sorry. I'm struggling too with my own mental illness and some other problems I'm dealing with as well, making it very hard to live right now. I too am contemplating suicide. It sounds like you have a lot of childhood trauma and that's where therapy becomes very important to help work through some of these issues. I do think you should give medication another shot. Often times you have to try different a few medications until you find one that suits you, but it's possible and worth it in the end. I personally think it's better to be on medication and in a more stable mental position and thus able to function better. The second option is to stay off medication just so you can say you're "special" enough not to have to take it, but all the while suffering like you currently are now. I'd for sure choose the first option and I hope you at least consider it. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much, but I hope in time with the right medication and therapy, you can live a better life.
I'm sorry nobody seems to have seen your response and commented until now.  Here's the facts.  You rely on science every day and everyone always has.  There are a lot of religions out there, all invented by people with the same biological equipment, and we still have a ton of problems.  Do you live in a house or are you still living in a cave?  Do you ride in a car or do you walk everyone barefoot?  Do you eat food grown on farms or do you go out hunting and gathering every day?  So why is it you use science every day, including typing on this forum on a machine invented by scientists, yet not feel inferior about relying on that?  Medicine does have significant risks.  It's a lie to say otherwise.  It's entirely your choice how to approach your life.  And you are right, we're all casualties of drug company's experiments.  We also benefit from those experiments.  It was doctors who tortured people by bleeding them and all that and still do, but it was also doctors who invented the modern water treatment system that did the most of any other development to extend our lifespans from brutish and short to a lot less so.  Good and bad.  Life is hard, harder for some than others, and no one gets out alive no matter what religion you enjoy.  Religion has its place, but religion too has been responsible for more harm than any other force on Earth, so again, good and bad.  We all have to sort out the good from the bad, and it's very hard to do, and sometimes we're a casualty -- it happened to me -- but you also really don't want to live the kind of life you describe forever if you can help it, right?  You gotta try something.  Peace.
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