How much support can I expect from Hubby?

[ellis9600]

I just had a conversation with my husband about my depression meds.  I think they are starting to wear off.  I've been on Effexor for 2 years or so. Same thing happened to me when I took  Wellbutrin. I told him what to expect as far as my depression symptoms, which are low motivation and general apathy. I would get a new med that would bring me back to life.   I also told him this is a doctor in our network so it costs $20.00.  He got I don't even know what to call it I guess passive aggressively quiet.  Then, the heavy sigh. He said,"we've just spent $3000.00 this year on medical bills." Heavy sigh.  Those bills, being mine.

See it has been a rough year for me health wise. I have been fighting an yet-to-be diagnosed problem with my thyroid and GI track since January of this year.  I have had 2 endoscopies because they found cancerous cell in my stomach. And, I had a melanoma surgery on my leg earlier this year.   Then two days ago I was driving home from the pharmacy with my migraine medication and took a swig from a bottle of water and it went down the wrong way.  I started coughing. Spit the water everywhere, coughing and coughing couldn't stop.  So I pulled over and went into a full blown asthma attack.  I was able to call 911, before I passed out. That was a whopping $120.00.

We are like the rest of the country living lean.  I'm not working but I have been looking for a job.  So we are definitely looking at every penny going out.  I've change all my dr's so they are in out network, except for one, who I was seeing every 6 weeks and now I am seeing every six months.  When I see Dr's I pay my co-pay out of the money he gives me....humiliating as it is my allowance.  My meds aren't expensive.  So, I don't get it.  

Please some one tell me that I need better support than this, especially when I'm depressed 'cause I'm not believing myself.

[ellis9600]

Wow! You really helped me see it in a new light.  I guess that Master's degree is working!  Since I first wrote my post things have unfortunately gotten worse.  The little support he does give me, he now only gives conditionally, as long as I don't talk about my illness or ask for support, and don't spend $$. The dynamic has been inflamed by the fact that I had an acute thyroid attack this year. That gave me a whole host of new symptoms that added to the ones that I already had.

I don't want to bad-mouth him.  He is a good man. He has been very generous to me.  I think he tries.  I want our marriage to work. But if he gets frustrated he goes into a rage and says horrible things.   After he rages, he can't remember any thing he says or does.  That scares me.  I have been in a domestic violent situation before.  I am not doing it again.  
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Anyway I think that is another forum.  May I say, "congratulations," on being with your partner for 28 years.  It seems to me that the  long lasting relationships(15+yrs) are same-gender relationships?  It is true in my family and some of my friends.  I hope that wasn't inappropriate to say.  I just think it is something to be proud of.

Thanks for your thoughts

Ellis

[Rainbow_Ike]

You SHOULD be able to expect full support, but hey, I'm a man, so I'll give it to you straight (even if i'm not! (g))

WE MEN ARE NOT TRAINED TO BE COMPASSIONATE. IN FACT, THE OPPOSITE. we are taught from an early age that to show signs of compassion and understanding and LOVE are signs of weakness, effeminacy and all kinds of other ANTI-MANLINESS sins.(except for the Priest/Minister/rabbi - and it is not by accident that the most macho cultures are the ones where the "man of the cloth' wears a "skirt")

Many of our masculine role models, such as coaches, gym teaches, etc, actually use femininity (and therefore female virtues, like compassion, supportivness, creativity, etc) as INSULTS. "You're moving like @#%ing GIRLS put there!"  "Get the lead out of your a$$e$ LADIES!", etc.

Your husband might be reacting according to his early training. I AM NOT DEFENDING HIM, just saying he may not even be aware of his adding to your stress and illness.

TALK TO HIM, gently and without judgement. Yelling at him about his "failures" towards you  & your needs will just activate his defensiveness. Someone else pointed out that HE might be feeling stressed by the financial problems. SOME MEN FEEL EMASCULATED BECAUSE THEY CANNOT TOTALLY SUPPORT THEIR FAMILIES, AND MUST RELY ON A SECOND INCOME FROM THEIR WIVES although they will never say it - they are usually not even 100% aware of it.

How did I get so smart? other than my Master's degree in social work, I''ll let you in on a secret - us gay couples (we've been together 28 years) reproduce many of the same dynamics as you do. In both of our families, money was a big stress topic - totally taboo in mine, in fact. So it's the topic that for 28 years has been our biggest stressor.

But keep in mind that your husband might have many sterling qualities, but i guarantee that mind reading is not among them. Since he was trained as a boy to ignore the feelings of others or risk being called unmanly (or worse) - he may not be capable of picking up on your hints.

I told MY spouse for a long time that i was "depressed" - so he bought me a plant (which died, making things worse) But at least he TRIED. But he didn't GET it until I ended up in the hospital because, you see, AS A MAN, - I - couldn't open up and tell him the truth about my inner feelings. (See, the process is actually HARDER for gay men - and we don't have to worry about being called a sissy!)

So give YOURSELF a break - explain what you NEED to him in a gentle way, and if he fails to supply it

THEN tell him he failed you. (g)

Ike

[ellis9600]

Thanks for taking the time to write to me.  I'm glad I am not the only one out there with a sighing husband!  Nothing like non-verbal communication to push my buttons.  I know he doesn't understand the depression. I honestly don't think any one can unless they have experienced it.  On top of  depression, I also have fibromyalgia, another ethereal disease that is hard to explain to people who have never felt the pain.  So, I just try to educate my hubbie in term of what he can how I act, what he can expect of me, and what I need from him.  I think that is all I can do.

I switched all my doctors to doc's in our plan, except one my pain management doc.  She doesn't take insurance.  I was seeing her once every six weeks.  Now I see her every six months!  She is very cool about helping me with a long term plan and making sure I have meds.  For me that change was huge.  So, I am, like you doing whatever I can to save on the medical bills.

It is hard not to blame myself.  He admitted to being deeply resentful of my medical bills and resentful of me too. Thank Heavens we are going to therapy!  I hope this brings us closer.

thanks for reading my long story

[AJ39]

I am going thru the exact same problems with my husband. he is supportive - but he has no clue what despression is all about. He has no clue what it is like. Him and his family were born with no chemical imbalance at all. Sure he gets very stressed about money, which is also our #1 issue between us also. He never overeats, he works out, snotty people at work never gets to him. He has never had any health problems either! We have 4 children and its hard not to spend money. Plus, on top of it all I had a horrible anxiety/depression episode 2 months ago and am still trying to recover from. but this time it was so severe, I went to see a psychiatrist and am currently going to a therapist. Because I am not much good to my family if I am in the fetal position in my bed watching tv. I love my husband!! but it is so difficult to try to explain depression which you don't have any control over to somebody who has no clue how to help or how you are feeling. When I am in the abyss I do communicate to my husband, so he's in the loop, but everyday stuff I turn to my therapist or my family/friends, so he doesn't take the full burden of it. He does the big sighing also. But after 18 yrs of marriage I have to let it go. I do work though and that helps with the guilt I put on myself for the money I am spending to help with my meds and drs. I do force ( and i mean FORCE) myself to go for a 3-4 mile walk everyday and take fish oil supplements, try not to eat fastfood (comfort food - that makes me even more depressed in the long run) to show my husband I am trying. but I also take my zoloft to keep me sane. Have you dr (preferably a psychiatrist) if the meds you take that was helpful wasn't changed to a generic brand. because according to my psychaitrists (which is a new addition to me - I always just relied on general family dr. who know very little about depression meds) that some generics are very ineffective, and most pharmacies will carry the cheapest - psych will write for only a special generic of zoloft that he has seen be helpful. Sooory this is so long winded, but I totally feel for you!! Don't blame yourself - keep writing to us. I'll listen.

[ellis9600]

Oooops, pushed enter too soon.    I also am not exactly sure how supporting me would look like.  So I guess that's my work too.

Ellis

[ellis9600]

Thanks for the reality check.  I was only looking through my depressed eyeballs.  It's really hard to be a good partner when I feel like I'm sliding into depression again and money has historically been a issue between us.

[alanas]

Money is a stressful thing, money is one of my triggers. Perhaps your husband is carrying the burden of the family finances and is confiding in you about his stress about money. If it needs it be done then it needs to be done, I am sure he understands that. Maybe this is his way of confiding in you how stressed out he is about the finances.