How to escape my thoughts/imagination/triggers?

[KatRoslyn]

I am so fixated on things that bother me that I try to imagine a way I would handle a situation or conversation that hasn't happened but I think may happen, the things that bother me, things that have hurt me or made me angry inside in the past, I imagine the conversation or situation and try to find ways of dealing with them in an emotionally strong way, but sometimes I get angry or sad when I remember what happened and it makes me feel like I'm drowning in misery, my head gets dizzy or tense and I just feel so hopeless. I either get upset that I didn't handle the situation the way I could have, I get mad, frustrated, and feel pained when I re-imagine the scenario and imagine how it would be if I just said what I was really feeling and thinking at the time. I usually pretend things don't bother me when they really trigger me in an unhealthy way. I don't like to be honest because I don't want to get hurt even more by A) the person taking advantage of my triggers or B) knowing that what bothers me will not change.

I am honestly just so tired of this habit of mine. I have a very difficult time escaping these types of thoughts, and I don't have the time or can't afford to see a therapist, as much as I would love to because I know I need to talk to someone about this. I hold all of my emotions and thoughts inside. I know most people would not understand why the thoughts or triggers I have bother me. I understand them clearly and don't really need to be told why I have these triggers, and I try to manage them myself. It's taken years to manage the anxiety, and I still feel pangs of anxiety when I hear a certain word, or watch a certain movie or see/hear a conversation, etc. that reminds me or connects to the dilemma I have.

I use a journal, or tell myself I am strong and everything is going to be okay and I also pray to God because it helps me get through the day and find some sort of relief.

However, I am still, to this day, thinking so much that it interferes with my life and my happiness. All I want is to live life undeterred by my triggers, but I have taught myself to analyze my problems so closely that anything that pertains to the memories will cause me to try to think or imagine a way I would handle this in a calm manner. I admit, in some ways this has helped and I'm hoping it's a step toward feeling more relaxed about what I hear or see. At the same time, though, I am fearful of separating this strategy from my life; what if something pertaining to 'it' comes up again, and I forget the things (concepts) that help me feel better about it?

I'll explain an example of what I experience. I had a boyfriend that tried to push my buttons, but I always remained relaxed. There were times he could tell I was moody, but that was about it. I never told him what I was feeling or thinking in my head because I didn't want to show him that he had that much power over my emotions, and I didn't want to hurt myself even more. Now everywhere I go, I imagine he can see what I'm doing, or who I'm talking to, etc. I know he can't, but I imagine he is there, or I just imagine a scenario that has happened or could have happened. I imagine he is doing something that triggers me, and I imagine a stronger version of myself being dismissive about it, but normally the actual me is so hurt, annoyed, and angry inside. There are so many things I never told him bother me. I just kept it all bottled up, if I were to tell him everything I would literally explode and be so enraged, I probably wouldn't be able to verbally tell him anything. I never told him what I was feeling because he was the type to push my buttons, and I learned that from experience. He never trusted me and that bothered me so much. It bothered me because I have a feeling that was a sign of a guilty conscience and that everything he was worried about was a reflection of him even though he was mistreated in the past. I know him well enough to know how he thinks, so when I see something I imagine I'm seeing it through his eyes and imagine what he is thinking or feeling and then I get upset.

I also imagine he is there when I'm looking at a guy I find attractive. I don't know why. If I'm fantasizing about a guy, I imagine he can see what's happening in the imaginary scenario. I imagine he can see everything I'm doing, even if I 'like' a picture of a guy on social media, or if I'm talking to a guy and he flirts with me or compliments me, I imagine he can hear and see what is being said, done. Even when I am with my girl friends, and we see a guy we think is cute, or I express my attraction toward the guy with them, I imagine that my ex boyfriend is watching and hearing. This has become so habitual that it feels natural.

No matter what I do, where I go, he is in the back of my mind. I don't want to think about him anymore, I don't want him dictating the things I do in my life, the things I think, the way I feel when he's not even there.

[Paxiled]

You are describing depression.  It gets into your thoughts, into your dreams.  Go see that therapist -- it's more important right now than the things you're too busy with, no?