I cant do it anymore. no way out. . . .feel cornered and set on my way out.

[Shay719]

I have a Dr. Appt @ 4:10 today. I am hated at work. My live in BF and Baby's father steals my pain meds and leaves me in a constant state of debt. Doesn't work, doesn't want to work. Doesn't keep house and won't leave. I don't have two nickels to rub together to get out of my current situation and I have 0 family. I don’t have the sick/personal/vacation time to check myself in somewhere and even though FMLA guarantees my job the percentage that short term disability pays is not nearly enough to cover my bills. Rent is late, power about to be shut off, I have no clue how the cell phones are still on, cancellation notice from Geico, newly flat tire yesterday and I’m over it all. It's cheaper to invest in a garden hose duct tape and a out of the way parking spot than it is for the antidepressants, constant therapy and trying to change someone who will never change . . . . . and I have a half million life insurance policy w/ a 2 yr suicide clause that is expired so if I go through with it the policy will still pay out. I need a savior to take me out and away from all of this or an angel to pluck me out of this and take me to the afterlife.
All I want to do is sleep and I’m blowing thru my meds trying to numb myself so I don’t kill myself.

I make too much money to get any help from the government. No violent behavior happening with the BF so I have to do a 30day eviction on him because I can’t get an injunction. I can’t afford to start the evection proceedings. Also don’t qualify for CCC and can’t afford daycare. Need his income and still dirt broke. I figure that the pain/grief that my family may feel will be short term as opposed to the long term damage I would emotionally do to my daughter and the constant disappointment I am to my family.
I’m tired of fighting to change people/circumstances that I have no control over. My daughter is young enough she won’t remember me or miss me.

[opus88]

you have been given alot of wonderful support here Shay...not one of us wants to throw the dirt over you!!
we all want you to just keep trying honey...the wellbutrin will help to make you feel better but give it a few weeks, than you should see/feel a lessening of the weight on you're shoulders..
keep on trying for you're little girl things will get better give it some time ok.

[lost_myself]

I was moved to tears by your post. Firstly I hear your pain and that you're getting overwhelmed. I know life seems too big at times.2nd Ive been without a parent that did something similar and it stayed with me to this very moment.
My dad left when I was 2 months old ..simply left ..walked away because it was "too hard" having a kid . I know him now (but not til recently) but couldnt remember him, just him like you said. Instead, I got wonder why he was so selfish. What made me so unworthy and bad he just "had" to leave. I must have been a horrible child for him to want to get away so bad. I never had a dad to see my plays at school, take me to football practice, teach me to drive,ask "guy things", see me gradute, get married,see his grand son born, visit me when i was hurt in the army.
Do you not want to see your precious daughter grow, teach her things, see her plays, console her during her first heartbreak, help her buy her first bra, see her go to prom, get married ,see your grand babies?
I have made 200k a year at one point and also been homeless at another, life has its ups and downs but, life can change and be better. Please dont leave your daughter with the burden of wonder,self blame that will scar her forever.It will not be short term by any means like you think.
More over you sound like a great person ..you wrote an intelligent heart felt post, you work, you take care of your daughter (and a freeloader.)You're very young and have alot life left to experience and enjoy. These things that are pulling you down are just temporary . I know its hard now...  just tackle one thing at a time... first unload the loser..if it takes a month then so be it. Are you willing to trade 30 days of hard time for having the great joy of sharing your whole life with and seeing your daughter grow into a woman?  It will get better if you just keep plugging away. When you feel weak look into your daughters eyes ,get a second wind, pray and push on .Life WILL get better with a little effort and it wont be over night but it will. There are lots of people on here who will offer you support until it does.  God Bless, Take care

[gofio]

Wow! Get rid of that suicide thing completely, you are not as badly off as you may imagine you are. You have a daughter, a useless BF & as far as I know your health is not as good as it can be ~ BUT, you're alive, don't even consider quitting, that's easy, anyone can quit, but you must keep going. Pill's potions, therapies  or whatever gets you going must be continued. Must feel wretched now, that's not unusual or difficult to understand in your present circumstances ~ but the only thing that's certain while alive is change. Just get ride of the parasite, no matter how you do it, just do it. Then you have rid of what appears to be your biggest stressor?Nightmares end, they always do, Get yourself out & enjoy whatever you like in nature, Be kinder to yourself, even selfish for a change. Find time to get away for some time to calmly think your way ahead. No one said that life has to be easy, yours is not, that's clear. But you have options, suicide's not one of them. Life can become worthwhile for you again. Persist, no matter how hard it gets. I send my very best wishes, hoping that you won't give up. Please, do let me know how things are going, you're not alone when on here, not as good as being able to meet/speak directly, but your plight might easily be ours if  it's not already been. Those of us with mental problems have to fight that bit harder & live with the stigma that 'normal' folk don't have. Really, you can & will get better as long as you keep trying. you have more to live for than you can possibly appreciate in your present state. Never, ever give up hope. You will make it, but it will not be easy.

[Shay719]

on wellburtin 450mg/day and waiting for EAP to contact me to find me a counsoler that works late hours and weekends. I have 0 sick time left. I woke up late this morning and that means I just flushed $16.06 down the toilet. Either the stress or the well burtrin is giving me nightmares where people from my life are screaming at me over and over again. I woke up took a half an ativan under my tounge to go back to sleep and had nightmares over and over again. If I cant find a counselor soon or some sort of financial help doesnt fall out of the sky or into a paypal account (like that ever happens) I just dont have the resources or the will to go forward.

He bough himself a nice new toy for his Nintendo DS. . . that's why my bank acount is negative. im just tired. I just want to give up. I scratch and claw my way outta this mess and try every single day to find a different solution that I havent tried yet to get me back on top. Otherswise im in my own grave; you all might as well throw dirt on me.

[opus88]

ur in a very sad predicament shay...and I feel the desperation u have honey.
I was there once too for an number of years but circumstances did change in a very unconventional way.
Suicide is not the answer, it will lift you're problems but what abt you're child?...do you really want to leave a child with such a man?
he can't even manage to work or help out around the house, how would he ever look aft you're child...and it sounds like he may have an addiction problem too if he is stealing you're pain meds, what do you think will happen if he gets his hands on all that money from you're ins. policy???...do you really believe he would do something constructive with it? do you really believe he would use any of this money to insure the well being of that poor child?
come on girl...think of that baby and how much she needs her mommy, u can't live with him yet you expect life would be good for that little girl after you are gone?

please get yourself some help like the advice you have been given, maybe you're depression is situational and finding a way to get him out of you're lives would make a big difference in you and you're daughters lives.

she needs you honey even if you think you are no longer important.
God bless

[coll977]

There are things that can be done. The first thing is to get rid of the boyfriend. You can't change him, only he can make changes in himself. Your daughter needs you more than you know. And what would happen to her if you weren't here any more? There are all kinds of community resources out there, you just need to investigate them. Try not to look at the whole picture too.Take it one step at a time. 1 minute at a time if you have to. You can do it. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[BillTheCat]

Get rid of him.  contact the state and do what you must.  Your daughter needs you.  Please hang in there.  There is help available you need to reach out for it.  You will be in my prayers.

[ILADVOCATE]

Firstly he is making things worse. I would ask him to leave and for your daughter's safety as well. What he is doing is abuse under the law even if its not physical. Much of the way you feel comes from his abuse. Speak that over with your therapist and perhaps make a call from their office and bring your daughter with you so if he is requested to leave neither of you are around. There are domestic violence hotlines. As for government benefits the situation is complex but you should make sure there isn't some form of assistance that your daughter might qualify for or you as a mother. You could find out more about that at your local independent living center:
http://www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/index.html