I don't know what to do anymore

[KurtisJay5]

I'm a 32 year old male with depression, anxiety, and paranoia. The worst of it is the anxiety/social anxiety. Well, the other two are "almost" equally as bad. I have tried most of the benzos and SSRI's with little success. They screwed me up pretty good and I am still suffering from withdrawal a year out. Are there any other options for these two conditions other than benzos and SSRIs? I'll try anything that will take the edge off...in the least bit.

I often feel like a 52 year old man in a mid life crisis, it is so bad sometimes. The problem is, I don't really have any goals in my life. I can barely leave the house sometimes the anxiety/paranoia is so bad. Honestly, all I ever wanted to do in life is to experience sex (with a woman) which I did a few years ago a number of times (whoever invented online dating is a godsend!). I could not die without losing my virginity. I just couldn't! Now, if I had to go, I could go. It (sex) was nice, but I can live without it. As for the other things that most people want aka material goods, I have driven fancy cars and rented mansions...but never owned them. Like sex, I can live without those as well. I have a good, supporting family and a decent job at the moment. I fear everyday for my future. I don't want to go off the deep end like so many others have done in the past. I just want to be healed and live a normal, decent life.

[alwaysj]

33 year old, and feel exactly the same , your story is mine almost word for word. Still would like an answer as well. Except @persephonedemeter gave a very good direction.

[KurtisJay5]

Maddie-

Your personal story is very inspirational to me! How lucky you are to have been on antidepressants for 30 years with little withdrawal! I was on them for only 9+ years and I am still suffering from bad withdrawal after stopping them over a year ago. Of course, it didn't help that I jumped around a lot in the attempt to find something that worked. That probably threw my system into haywire mode fast. Nothing really did work for though. I tried just about everything. Little by little, the withdrawals are getting better. Or so I hope they are. I exercise frequently and eat well, but typically that is not enough. I have very few good days where I feel somewhat stable compared to bad ones. I have basically given up on the antidepressants (until the new, fast acting ones come out, that is), and I am now focused on finding something that will calm my anxiety/social anxiety just a little bit! That is one of my only goals right now in my life...sad I know.

I honestly don't know which is the worst...depression, anxiety, or paranoia. I would rank them as about equal. Five years ago, I was pretty happy and stable. It's as if the meds really did something bad to me. I kid you not! I was never really paranoid before I began taking antidepressants. Suddenly, out of the blue years later, I begin to have horrible racing/paranoid thoughts about many strange things including politics, race, gender (feminism), finance, and a host of other issues. I began to feel that everyone, including society, was against me or trying to hold me down. And let me state that it wasn't because I felt special or better than anyone, either. All I have to do is turn on the TV or read MSN, Yahoo, etc. and it's almost all about race, gender, sexuality, finance, etc. Issues that I have come to despise in an equal rights society. Most younger people have gotten past these issues while the older generations obsess about them constantly (no offense). I have really just gotten angry and very bitter at times because of these problems...and I used to be such a nice, pleasant man the majority of the time. My goal is to become a pleasant man again.

[4Maddie44]

Hello Kurtis.  When I was in a psychiatric hospital I was offered ECT but refused it as the thought scared me.  I was also offered Lithium which I also refused.  

I live in the UK so do not have to pay for health care unless I could afford it and go privately.  I saw people in the hospital who had ECT and it really worked for most of them.  Only down side is loss of some memory.  

I have seen numerous psychiatrists and counsellors, but in the long run it comes down to taking anti depressants and living with the mental illness as best you can.  

On a really positive note, and to give you encouragement, 18 months ago after 30 years on anti depressants, I came off them, and had little withdrawals.  I am managing well.  Ups and downs, good and bad periods, but on the whole, I am feeling positive about my mental health at long last.

So it will happen for you too.  Keep battling as I have done.  Life is a struggle as I have very little money, no car, but hey I am here and life isn't so bad.

[persephonedemeter]

Hello. I was wondering if you can do something a little more less harsh than going for ect. Since you are in a good financial state, have you considered something like an outdoors trip where you can spend time healing from withdrawals and after being on psych meds. I enjoyed taking camping trips, staying in cabins or lodges and being in someplace natural and  grand, and contemplating the Milky Way in the night sky. I usually like going solo, especially when I have a lot to think about or to give my mind a rest, and even then, I usually meet people who make me feel so much better and are sensitive enough to allow me my space when I need it. If I was nervous about it, I only made it for a short time, and if I thought it was a bad idea, I always had an escape plan that was practical.

I have to agree with you that the material stuff just doesn't cut it in life or in the end. I would rather be comfortable with myself, happy, and with friends and family. I have enough things. All a big house gives is a bigger house to feel more  alone in with a lot of empty rooms. I wonder if you like your life as I is, because sometimes, how we live and work affects us so much. It sounds obvious, but sometimes, we just don't really see that. I have reviewed my life and I always asked the question, what is it that I would rather do? What was it that I used to dream about when I was a kid or even before I had settled in this life. It wasn't a matter of wanting more. It was a matter of what I cared about and what I loved to do. Like Maddie, I've got a few decades in my life. I didn't do anything that compromised my intrinsic sense of happiness.

For myself, I am on medication, but a good part of beating depression, paranoia, and anxiety is finding and keeping my life positive, growing and boundless in mind, spirit and all that good stuff is by keeping my head and my heart open instead of crowding things out, with common sense, of course. I understand you don't have goals, but do you have dreams? It could be something as simple as taking lesson on how to bowl, fly a kite, or watercolor. It doesn't have to be something outrageous. Small steps not big steps to widen your horizon and world and dent the anxiety and paranoia down. It also gives you a chance to be social and learn about people and get to know them, and yourself as well. You can also volunteer in something you care about. Sit down and take time to inventory yourself. You can start with the negative, since human beings just find it so easy to list those. Then, write down and list the positives. Then, the things you like and dislike. Then, look them over, and see hat you wrote.Put it aside and take a couple of days or more  and see what comes up. If you can sound it out with someone, that would be great.

Sex is great, I have to agree with you there. I wouldn't want to die knowing I missed out on it. I don't know about you, but for me, a life just loaded with sex only as the main course gets a little old and I usually feel just as alone before, during and after.  However, I have to say social and emotional intimacy and knowing and learning to know the other person (for you, woman) is leagues better.. It is also the same in knowing people, friends and family for who and what they are. The world gets larger and wider that way too. I will tell you that I am primarily introverted, but I do value my friends, most of them introverted and shy  at different levels. The one thing that I had to adjust myself to and it took awhile for me to be comfortable with this was learning to like myself and be easy with me. I used to feel really old when I was younger. Now, it's the opposite, and that fact is not lost on me. Paranoia, anxiety and depression can make you feel very old and flat.

[KurtisJay5]

Thank you so much for your kind words Maddie! They truly mean a lot! I sympathize with your struggles. I wouldn't wish depression, anxiety, or paranoid/racing thoughts on anyone...except for the likes of child molesters and psychopaths. Truly I wouldn't. No decent human being should have to go through days (let alone years) through these struggles. And the worst part of it all is that for many people medicines don't work or they have too many side effects. I tried a lot of them and they left me damaged and much worse than I was prior to taking meds. I have heard MANY similar stories. I'm still recovering for the effects but am slightly better. I would give ECT a shot but I don't want all my money going to it. It might have to come to that one day. How about you? Are you on any meds or have you tried ECT therapy with any success?

[4Maddie44]

Well at least you have experienced sex.  Would be awful to leave this life without having that pleasure!!  On a more positive note, you sound as if you want to help yourself through this depression.  It is only us who can truly help ourselves.

I am glad you have got a good supporting family, as I think that is very important.  It is those that suffer alone I most worry about.  

You sound a good human being, so try not to fear for your future.  There is no reason why you cannot live a reasonable life with depression.  I have learned to do so as I have had depression for over 30 years.  Yes I have ups and downs, good and bad times, but I battle on, as we all must.  I know it is very difficult, but there you are.  Yes you can live a decent life.  You are a young man, and don't worry about goals.  Live one day at a time.  Don't dwell on the past or worry about the future.  Live for now as best you can.  

Well you have done more than me.  No fancy cars or mansions for me.  I live alone and try hard to deal with depression as best I can.  

Take care