My name is David, i will keep this blunt my head is messing with me and i cant controll it, my lies have made my life a living hell always having to decide , having sleepless nights and always worrying about the next day. lying is not great and it hurts people around me but i try to make it better but it gets worse. i am just fed up with myself and it hurts me i just need advice.
Hi
Thanks for that. I will keep it mind. I cant get down to A&E that easy as its about 20 miles away and I cant drive. Pluss it would mean that I would be there every night at about bed time. I wasn't 100% truthfull in my first post, I think about it a lot of the time. When ever I stop; when ever I we any thing about death on TV or radio and for about 2 hours when I laying in bed night unable to sleep because of the pain in my back. I also made my self sound a lot happier then I really am. I just didnt want to get it out as I haven't told any one about this. so sorry for that.
There is nothing they can do about my back. Its some thing that will have to put up with for the rest of my life they think.
I cant tell my girlfriend about this as her dad tried to do the same not to long ago and she still hasnt got over it. so if i told her I have no idea what she would do. She is really the only thing that is holding me together.
again sorry for lieing to you all.
Jonny
Social status can be hugely disabling for many people. Upper class people can be so pretentious they forget what life actually is and means.
Most things you do that don't meet expectations will bring shame.
If you're still feeling suicidal in six months, then come back?
I'm in a grumpy mood so I would say drink them but that would be hugely irresponsible of me.
I've taken truckloads of prescribed medication (a lethal dose) and been in icu on a ventilator for a week. Don't go there -it's not worth it. It does more harm than good.
My advice would be to:
-get the back sorted (if that's possible)
-ask the chemist to control your medication (they can dispense it weekly, etc)
-talk to your girlfriend
-?contact your local mhs (you may be able to self-refer)
-if you aren't offered support through the mhs then next time you have thoughts of suicide go to the hospital.
-psychotherapy would be a good idea if you could arrange that. The doctor on the mental health expert forum said he just launched a new program. You might find that useful. He said there were some free sessions available. They might give you some insights into what's going on and decrease your distress.
I don't think you're being a tool so sorry can't tell you to stop being one!!
Good luck!
Hi everyone.
Thanks for all that you have said. Its because of my familly that I wont do it. Not because of what it will do to them but because of the shame it would cause them. They are all very upper class, my sisters have taken a lot from my mum and dad but I havent. I have worked every hour I can to do what I have done. But I still cant help but feel the way I do.
I spoke to my doc about this. he said "it is comon when on my drugs and just try not to do anything silly." I asked about getting some help and he said come back in 6 months, if I still feel the same way then, then he will think about it. Because of this I went to a differant doc and she said the same. I cant afford to go private. So i think i am stuck.
Hi, I read your post and I am sorry that you are going through this terrible time, but I do feel that perhaps the tramadol might be giving you this bad side effect of depression. I suffer from treatment resistant depression and I do not feel happy 99.9% of the time, rather it is just the opposite for me. That is why I am telling you that you need to tell your primary doctor that this drug is having this affect on you. You may be surprised that he may have other new painkillers for you to try. I would strongly recommend doing this, because you deserve not to feel this way.
Angela
Hi there,
Back problems are the curse of all really as it is rare that docs can actually identify and fix the problems for us. What they tend to do is firstly disbelieve us and then, in time, provide pain relief, reluctantly it often seems. I had to refuse to leave a docs office eventually yo get just Tramadol. Small dose too. Made me feel like a beggar so I never returned to that doc, just changed.
It makes us feel like we are faking, or at least being treating as a fake when we know only too well how much pain we carry. If only we had a way for them to feel it too, then there would be no hesitation.
You are taking Tramadol. It's not the strongest of pain killers but I too take it and my pdoc was a little reluctant due to my depression. Also because it's an opiate which could mean addiction. I put it to him that, at my age, and with my depression why on earth would I worry about that? He knows I am compliant on meds as if I abuse them I know he could tell very quickly and I don't want to go there anyway.
I take meds only because I need to and I'm sure you are the same.
The diazapam, valium, is likely just to ease your stress levels and to help you sleep. But it doesn't continue working if you take it every day without constantly increasing the dose. The most I ever take this for is 3 days, 3 at a time, then I get nothing from it. Pointless game that one.
Chronic pain is an almost inevitable path to depression as it is what it says. Chronic, relentless and you feel it all the time regardless of meds. You know it's there and it wears you down.
Your suicidal thoughts are quite mild in the form you put it. That is .01% of your time. But it is serious because you have envisaged and planned it already. That's way past time to be telling the doc mate.
You say your family regards depression as weakness. Could I ask how they regard suicide? A lot worse, right?
The truth is it takes a lot of guts to admit what's wrong and face the illness without pretending it's not there. If your family thinks you are weak then they are, simply, wrong. About 1 in 4 people, world wide experience depression during their lives so are they all weak too? A question for your family. Was Winston Churchill weak also? A famous and gutsy sufferer who led Britain back before WW2 as you'd know.
If people such as him are weak what are the rest of us?
Be a man, see the doc and tell the truth. Any decent doc will know the connection between chronic pain and depression and also the tendency to think suicide. If he's a decent doc who knows you and your behaviour he wouldn't be stopping your pain meds once you tell him this as he would be liable for incompetency claims. By ceasing your pain meds he would be forcing you towards suicide, not away from it.
Of course he is required to caution you about addiction and dangerous behaviour etc but that's a part of caring for you.
If you are genuine as he sees it there's no way he'll stop your pain meds. It would be irresponsible in the estreme. He may suggest alternative meds though so be prepared to discuss it. It's your life you're talking about, not a decision on a new car. Remember that.
So much happiness in your life at a time when so many others are struggling. But being obcessed with your death and contemplating suicide is a symptom of depression. Have you thought of how your death would affect all who love you? Do you think it would end things, or maybe you'd enter a darker world? Who knows if suicide helps or hurts? I think your parents would be much more undertsanding than you think. For them to lose you and then realize they could have prevented it had you spoken with them would be a very dificult thing for them to live with. As parents, we say a lot of things, but when it comes down to our kids well-being, we will stop at nothing! I lost my son when he was young, so I know as a mother I would give anything to bring him back or have one more day with him. He fought for many years to reamin in this world, wanting to be rid of the IV's and drugs. My grandson died 10 months ago at 18. He too, fought a very courageous battle to live just one more day. By the time he was 16 he'd had 38 surgeries, then a 5 organ transplant, yet he never gave up. They both saw a reason to fight and stay in this world, but they lost their battle. My grandson lost his dad (my son) when he was only 9, one year later he was fighting for his life. You need to visit children who are dying, and see how hard they fight to remain in a world that has been nothing but hell for them. But you want so much to be out of it...kind of ironic. Talk to your parents, you need help.