I hate my parents, those around me, and I feel as if life is not worth living.

[stevenia]

All right, this is as close as I can get without having to pay for a question. I despise my life, and all the people that I seem to encounter. The only things I truly love are my youngest 12 year old sister and my two dogs. I'd do anything for them, but the rest of my family... well, I don't think I'd be too upset if they all died in their sleep tonight. My mom is the stupidest person I know, as well as a spineless coward. My dad is tough to describe. He's manipulative, controlling, and likely hates himself. He doesn't take it out on me, or anyone else, but he and my mom fight a lot. I'm nearly 22, and I shouldn't be living at home (but I am because I am lazy, another wonderful trait I picked up from my dad) and so every day I have to endure the ignorance of my mother and the constantly questionable behavior of my dad. Not that it's all their fault. I have zero friends. A guy I was best friends with for nearly 15 years moved out of his parents' house and now lives on his own. His mom tells me he doesn't do much of anything anymore, and I really miss doing things with him. It's probably for the best, as he has Asperger's (I might have it too, but I can't tell, with him it's really obvious) and it wasn't exactly promoting the most social behavior for myself. I'm very smart, but a massive underachiever (again, lazy) and I struggle talking to women. Mostly because I overthink the situation and then just freeze up. Back to hating life. I see ignorance everywhere. On the TV, on the internet, in sports... everywhere. It's crushing me. I can't live in a world where people don't seek out knowledge and want to inform themselves of the things around them. They don't pay attention, they are racially biased, they are sexist... hell, I'm nearly becoming a sexist considering that it seems to be the only way to get a woman's attention and keep it anymore. I've never even dated a girl, much less the actions that are to follow when dating a girl, and I can't make any friends. I do have a couple joys left, but I suspect they too will soon fade out. I love psychology class. The teacher is excellent (we connect through sports and such) but this next level of class seems to be more challenging than I'd suspected. I fear that I'll give up on it too, like so many other things. I was a fool tonight. My sister and I were watching a DVD of a TV show that I loved to watch as a kid (Dragon Ball Z) and my mom was singing in the laundry room. I shrugged it off until she stuck her head into the room, and continued to sing, and I nearly exploded instantly. I watched the DVD with my sister for about 3 minutes, and then said "I'm too pissed off to watch anymore" and I blamed her for not wanting to watch it. This was partially true though. For some reason, I hated watching the DVD with her. I couldn't sing the song because I felt self-conscious around MY OWN 12 YEAR OLD SISTER. How pathetic is that? I'm so confident everywhere else, but I can't even sing a song in Japanese with my sister present? I told her I get distracted with her in the room, which is true, but... I still feel like a massive ******* for telling her to leave. I want to apologize, but if I do I know that it will invalidate the outburst I had with my mom and dad earlier tonight.

Everytime I go anywhere, I feel alienated. I hate the people around me. I feel they are low, and inferior to me. Yet... I long to develop a relationship with at least one of them. It's like there are two sides of me. I don't know if this is depression, bi-polar disorder, going through teen angst WAY late... I don't know what the **** it is.


But I hate it. And it's the way my life goes right now. Jobless, stuck at home, in a small shitass town, and with no prospects.

[Ducky444]

You are very brave to share the raw emotions with others. You are in deep pain, not a bad person. The feeling of disgust of others is a defense to protect yourself from more pain. Keep going to class dig in, and dig deep to hold on to moving forward however small the steps.  In the depth of pain you are in it's remarkable you are functioning as well. I agree the right therapist can be the greatest gift to give yourself. Take time to build the trust it takes to be useful. Find one you respect. The website good therapy.org is a good place to research conditions and professionals. Research shows talk therapy is as helpful as medication, you don't have to have Meds. The best of luck to you. We need smart young people in this country! You deserve to feel better! Please go for best for yourself.

[unluckycharms]

I think it is really good that you're so caring and loving towards your sister.  Even though you find yourself hating others, the love you have for your sister shows that you are capable of having a caring relationship with another.  I'm glad to her that you are going to apologize to her.  I know a lot of people that take their rage out on me and never apologize or show any regret for it.  I think it is nice and honorable that you can admit that you are wrong.  If you don't want to be on medication, you don't have to be.  It's a choice you get to make.  Please consider opening up to a psychologist.  It most likely won't be an easy process learning about yourself and your shortcomings, but I think it could help lessen the intensity of the negative feelings that you feel.  A psychologist and you can work together to close the gap on who you are and who you want to be-  learn to become someone you can be proud of.  As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss, but the truth will set you free.  Take care and be kind to yourself.

[stevenia]

Well, tomorrow I'm going to apologize to my sister. It's not her fault my mom is a moron. It's just that I value my time with her so much, and I am so angry that I told her to leave. I really wish I hadn't done it. Maybe I don't hate life, as much as I just hate myself and what I've become over the years. I'm so bitter, angry, lost... I considered a psychiatrist before, but I'm afraid of what I might find out. I don't want to go back onto medication (used to be on ritalin from age 5 to 17) ... it changes me. I hate who I am though.

[unluckycharms]

There should be community health clinics within your area that offer free or low cost mental health services.  If you're still in college, schools usually have a number of psychologists on campus.

[unluckycharms]

Have you thought about speaking with a psychologist?  You don't need to have a mental health condition in order to visit one.  I think psychotherapy would be beneficial for you in that it can help you learn more about yourself.  In addition, it can help you shift the focus from the ignorance you see in others to your own lack of insights.