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Avatar universal

I want to die.

I'm 15, and really, there is nothing ALL THAT WRONG with my life. My parents are ok, I have some friends. But I am so desperate. I can't sleep at night, I've stopped all the activities I used to like. I dropped out of school, I was failing anyways because I couldn't find the strength to open schoolbooks. I used to be good at school. I didn't cry and then start laughing out of nowhere everyday. For no reason. And yet I seem so happy to everyone, I am happy and jumpy and energetic and talk like a train around people. Then I come home and just want to die. I harm myself in any way I know. I used to cut myself but then my parents found out- I'm seeing a psychologist now. I bang my wrists against hard surfaces. I smoke just because I know it's bad for me. I drink every time I can and end up doing stupid things. I want to kill myself so bad, and yet I don't want to die. Death scares me. I don't believe in god. I dont believe in the existence of love. I don't believe in people. Some days I'm just crazy energetic and some others I lie in bed all the time, hugging my pillow and crying for all of it to go away. My moods are crazy. One second I'll just start crying with no reason, or get the urge to call my frineds to go out. It all hurts so bad.
Why should I want to live?
What is the REAL reason for suicide to be wrong?
What if there's nothing to live for?
I just want to drink and **** and do drugs and kill my brain and pretend I'm happy.
40 Responses
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Avatar universal
Hi Bart143. I am not sure if you got any help. Ive only just come across your difficult situation and its over 4 months since you posted.  I have a mother in law who has been in the same position as you.  It is so difficult.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am 50 and so depressed I want to die. I wont kill myself, but I have laid in bed and tried to make my heart stop like an appendage such as my hand from moving. The one great thing in my life is my son. He is in law school, but 2,000 miles away. He came for the holiday but will be leaving in 2 days. I am not sure where to turn. Many of these sites are for teenagers and veterans. I am trapped, my wife is suffering from many illnesses including early onset dimensia. I have a front row seat to see what takes her first. Her body or her head. I have gone to therapist, and have had little luck. My primary physician put me on antidepressants, but no luck. He referred me to a psychiatrist. It took 3 months to get an appointment, and the day of the appointment, I was driving into their parking lot and they called to tell me they could not take my insurance, but I was welcome to pay out of pocket. An option that is very difficult for me financially. Please someone tell me of a website that might help me. I am at the end of my rope. I sincerely hope that everyone on this site is able to live a happy life.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It's good to open up your feelings to share here. Living for others is not going to be the solution. Dying is not going to start a new life. But you can always start a new life from where you are. Your life is about you, not others. I went through depression and had similar thoughts as you did. I was even on pills for some time. But today I've started all over again. Therefore I kinda know how you feel. Anyhow, you can't go on this way. If you don't mind, I'm always happy to listen to you and help as much as I can. But the only real cure is yourself through guidance from people around you and your surroundings. Everyone can create the force that can. Hope to hear from you soon. ;)
Helpful - 0
5670037 tn?1372060870
same here - i really want to die  but always think of the people that i love. always cared about how would they react and feel about it. everyday i want to die, but i just cant commit suicide. i dont want them to know that my life is so miserable and i dont want them to feel guilty. just so sad to know that the people who cared about you just want you to be strong - coz its all what it takes to survive. i hate my life now, i drink, i smoke sometimes without them knowing. i really want to die believing it will start a new life.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hi what you say is from yr heart  my partners son took his life  in 2011   it devastated the whole family and all his friends... we as a family struggle every day   to just get through  I still wake and am in shock two years later... please... think of a million tears  after youv gone  try to get help... if this doest work then at least youv tried... we forgive you anyway allways and forever our love.x from  a billion tears... If love could have saved you you would have lived forever... x
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I feel bad for you and even though i have no idea who u r i would be said if u did anf god is real he can do miracles please pray to him to help u everynight and i promise you will get better i promise i know this
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am a 61 year old man who Washington fired from his job. That was a month ago. I'm out of money and hope. I tired so damn tired of all the platitudes and cliches of why not to do yourself in. I would have done it long ago but I gave all my guns away after listening to such BS. Now I lack the means for a quick and relatively painless death. I am now looking for means.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm Hannah I'm 12 and live NY anyway the post I read about u touched me and I feel like that because I lost all of my closet friends I had and I hate that sometimes just want to cry or cut myself it's like no one cares about me In school and I do have friends but when I'm in need there's no one to face im scared and just wanna die sometimes
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
well i understand what you are feeling i used to be the same way. i am but a year younger than you i used to have unexsplained moods swings,suicidel tendencies ect.. i started smokeing when i was eight years old and i am working on quiting, anyways i know it may seem like you have nothing to live for but everyvody hs a purpose in this ****** up thing we call life i also have a hudge fear in death yet i wanted to die so bad it hurt you just have to remember ppl tend to throw rocks at things that shine just keep your head up sunshine everything will be ok and ALLWAYS remember you are beautiful!!! (:
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1671692 tn?1323957959
i know...but no God won't he loves you and absolutely NOTHING will change that
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1896954 tn?1323468296
sorry you feel that way and I understand about being depressed. but suicide is not the answer. I am not trying to make a diagnose but it sounds like you are bipolar, have really bad mood swings or you have experienced something traumatic that no one knows about, and if thats the case you really need to talk to someone. good luck and get help you are too young to be thinking like that you have your whole life ahead of you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I thought I was the only one..I understand...my sister who is 23years old comminted suicide a month ago. I have a fell into a deep depression and all i want is some1 to talk too. I feel like nobody cares about whats going on & feel a alone..theres not more than a hour that goes by that im not crying..outside..work it dosnt matter..i cant stop crying..stay strong try to talk to someone like from a church that dosnt cost anything
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Avatar universal
i hate being me, i am so tire of this life. everytime i try toto get i always fall back down. i have 3 three kids dont see i try so hard but still at this tunnel. i am so weeak i cant kill myself and ther people  around  me dont understand what i feel. all they can say is she wants attention,why am i so dam weak and confuse? it hurts whenu cant talk to noonebecause allthey sayis u want attention when all u really want is just a shoulder.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Do you think that if you commit suicide God will reallly condemn you? Thats the only thing stopping me! If you really are unhappy is better to continue living in misery? Everyday just gets worse then the one before it!
Helpful - 0
1671692 tn?1323957959
hey im 15 to and i feel the exact same way(but i dont smoke or do drugs and nor did i drop out of school) i dont believe in love or people but i do believe in god and trust me if you just believe and pray he will help you in anything even though you wont see it but that's the good thing you dont have to see if you just pray he will be there for you ALWAYS(im not trying to force my beliefs on you i just wanna help and to do that i will pray for you)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
you freak me out, honey! Don't be. Enjoy your normal life. Leave those bad things. You're still you. :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hello. I was reading your discussion n just wanted to tell you that suicide is not going to solve your issue or release you from all the sufferings. If you commit suicide and die, you  will probably regret so much.
You must be in the lowest point possible right now, but you can get better with a right treatment.
If you give up and kill yourself, you will lose that opportunity to get better and feel better in the future. 
Also, your family and friends are never better off without you. I know this because my 91 year old grandma committed suicide last year. We feel very sad and guilty thinking why couldn't we help her more??? 
Your loved ones want you to be alive and be close no matter how you are.

I am 28 and have been suffering from depression on and off since I was 15.  
I won't write every detail of how tough my life has been, but you are certainly not alone when it comes to battling with the hardships of life.
Right now, my condition is not so bad, but there have been many times I felt like I want to die and people around me would be better off without me.
Once I actually overdosed on my medication. I am so glad that I am still alive and not brain damaged.

Just like you, I didn't believe in God and didn't know why I have to live such a tough life. 
 Few years ago I became Christian after my husband's countless attempts to make me believe in God. He felt believing in God will help me deal with my depression and all the negative effects it has on my life.

Now that I believe in God, I also believe we are all living for the afterlife. When I think like this,  I am too afraid of killing myself and there is no way I can commit suicide knowing my spirit will keep on living even if I kill my body. 
Also we must not kill ourselves for our loved ones. 

I still have really low moments where I feel like I am in a living hell. 
The other day I became so fed up with being depressed and angrily wondered why do I have to suffer so much? 
That night, I opened a bible page which really struck me. It basically said, people who suffer a lot in this life time will be really blessed in the afterlife. On the other hand, people who get real easy life will have more suffering in the afterlife. 
This really gave me motivation to keep on living no matter how difficult it might be. 

I am not telling you to believe in God or become religious or anything. 
I just think you won't become happier if you give up on your life now. You will regret and keep thinking why did I do such a stupid thing? You know, you can't redo your life if you commit suicide. 
But if you hang in there and keep on living, you will definitely think "I am so glad I didn't kill myself" one day. 
And when you complete your life, you will look back and think, "it has been a tough long journey but I did so well on not giving up! I am so proud of myself and can now rest in peace..."
I don't know what it's like to die but I am so sure you cannot rest in peace if you killed yourself. 

Well, I hope this gave you some hope...

I am not a doctor but it sounds like you might have bipolar disorder which is a type of depression where your mood alternates between manic energetic period and depressive period.   You should see a psychiatrist for the right diagnose and medical treatment. 
It is treatable and you should seek help ASAP. 

I hope you can get the right support network as well.
When you are feeling suicidal, you should talk to people you can trust or call help line. 
Please try not to suffer on your own and din't be too hard on yourself.

Remember, it's treatable and you will get better. 
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
up in my room the radio on; my thoughts are racing of a life gone wrong. it's not my liffe now but one of the past; for my life is gone i'm at peace at last
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i was feeling like **** tell i was reading storys from you all and i see we are all not alone in this there are verey mean of us with simerly problems so in steed of killing our selves why dont we start a club get to know each othere talk and work to gether to get through this as there is so many great places in this world we could all travel see and do many great thing to help keep our minds of this i am willing to talk openly with any one about any thing as we as people that sufer from this things are either going to have to take the steeps to work trough it or the goverments of the world are going to have to pass laws to make as all orgen doners as its crazzy we are all doing thing that over time are going to take great tolls on what were once great orgens that some one that wants life could have
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i didn't read anyone's response's...so it may be someone has already answered one of your questions better than i will...but you said "what real reason can suicide be wrong..."

the reason is because someday, whether it be tomorrow or 10 years from now, you will be extremely thankful to be alive. i didn't understand it when i was 15, but i'm starting to now. i'm 24 and things are starting to make more sense. i had a good friend die when i was your age. i look back on the past 9 years and wonder how it's fair i get to live and he didn't...especially since he probably enjoyed life more than me. and then i think how easy life really can end and how fast time really does pass...and it makes me thankful to have lived, no matter how painful it can be sometimes.

suicide is wrong because i have no doubt that very very very few people who commit suicide would have made the same decision if they knew how they would feel later on in their life. anyway, this is obviously something you should mention to your therapist.
Helpful - 0
874521 tn?1424116797
I am sorry for all your inner problems, many that need to be worked thru probably with the psychologist ur seeing...but I agree u also need to see a psychiatrist dear, they are really the only ones that can diagnos u and give you medication, the medication will make you look at life alot different than u do now.
Try talking to your parents honestly and tell them everything ur feeling u need to get them to fully understand the extent of your illness.
However if that doesn't work and in your state u need them for a referral than I would suggest go to the ER...surely there u could get a psych consult when u make them aware of your issues and thoughts of suicide!!
goodluck honey...keep searching for your answers, do not give up on yourself
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
As much as your story seems a nice, happy-ending one, really, I would never commit suicide to gain attention. I don't need that kind of attention. I hate it when people see my problems, I have acted out through all my life so that no one would see how I actually felt. I hate having people tell me that it's all right or talk about my problems, I can't stand it. If I were to kill myself I would rather no one noticed. I can't go see a psychiatrist because that would involve telling my parents, and they have already opposed to it in the past because they don't want to see that there is actually something wrong with me. I won't talk to my parents, it just can't work. My father is convinced he could never possibly be wrong and my mother is too scared to see that I have a problem. It would bring to nothing if not more issues.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have a little different story to tell. I actually tried to commit suicide because I truly thought everyone would be better off without me. Boy did I get a shock? I come from a large family 3 siblings and all are married and all have children as I myself do. Anyway, as a result of my suicide attempt, my dad called me and told me if I was doing this for attention, to go ahead because he would not bear the burden of carrying the guilt of his child commiting suicide because he didn't do anything wrong. The problem with all of this is that I never accused anyone of doing anything wrong. I have not gone thru my life as an attention seeker and I needed my family for support. So, if you have your family for support, give them some credit and break down and confide in them. The family I thought I had for support is now not speaking to me ironically, when I need them the most.  So, if you still have family around and they are somewhat sympathetic to what you are going thru, then take the chance and rely on them for help. Also, get in touch with a psychiatrist not a psychologist. You really need help and there is actual help for your very real problems! You can feel "normal" again!
Helpful - 0
681888 tn?1272922309
hello missmess ,.......can i just say im so sorry to hear you are in so much pain
and i know you are or you wouldn't be saying the things you are saying like your family would be better of without  you ,.......how do you know that ?? can you read they minds ,
do you know what way they well suffer for the rest of they lives knowing that there baby girl died from suicide and they did nothing to help you ,....you might say its wasn't there fault but in there minds it was and it will always be ,.......there hearts will be broking in so many pieces that it will never be able to go back like it was when you where alive ,
they will hurt for the rest of there lives ,they will end up on meds ,..in hosp or worse taking they own lives through all of the pain you will leave to them ,....

im sorry hun but i just have to tell you that is how i was left after not one but two of my children died from suicide ,.....hun every loves you and with the right help you will come to realize that pleas tell your mom or dad how you are really feeling in yourself ,
tell them if the help is working for you or not ,...you must let them know everything please dont keep any seacrets from them you are only 15 and your moms baby girl
,...if only my son and  daughter had of come to me and been truthful about how they where really feeling, i do know one thing, if i had of know  i could have did all i could for to help i wouldn't be left holding this guilt in me that is tearing me apart everyday ,  ,...but the not knowing how they really hurt made  it to late ,..i have to live with that every day of my life ,.....im just talking one tiny bit from a mothers point of few of how it is to lose two children to suicide ,....believe me no one is better of with out you hun no one ,......no one ,....
Helpful - 0
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