I've been sad for most of my nights lately.I lie down and become emotionally broken over any disappointing thing about my life and even think about suicide(I would never do it.it's more of a temptation,like when I want to push an alarm button whenever I pass one but I know doing so would be nothing but bad,so I prevent myself from doing so,despite my strong urges.)I know that depression is something that is simply there;that it's not an act or phase or sickness.But I don't know what it's like.I'm worried that I might become depressed,or that I am becoming depressed,and if I do,I'll find life less enjoyable than it used to be.
What I'm sad about the most is my lack of friends,and my lack of ability to make friends.Bear with me for a long story,please.I'm giving details from the beginning.
I suppose when I was younger,I always wanted to have friends.ever since fifth grade,I never could make a handful of them and I couldn't keep the ones I did make;the friend I made in fifth grade moved away once summer came,then I was friendless for about two years until I made a friend when I had to repeat seventh grade,and I made a best friend through that friend the next year,which I then had a happy little group of four friends.I was never sad,however,because I enjoyed myself a lot with social computer games,whenever I wasn't with my school friends,and I had some fun friends from such games at that time.I moved to another school the following summer and lost my friends,including the temporary ones I had made through the games I played because I stopped playing computer games.It was around that time that I had sadness over being lonely for the first time.However,I made many wonderful friends in school after three months.My life started picking up again,and I met my first boyfriend at the end of the year.Everything was great until I lost my appetite and started to starve myself to lose a "satisfying" about of weight(even though I was not overweight).It worked,but my boyfriend found out and wasn't happy about it.I agreed to not do it again.I never have starved myself since then,but I haven't been able to regain my appetite.I still don't enjoy food much.After some months,I became jealous of my boyfriend's social life.It seemed like he had always had friends that have been with him for his whole life,since he stayed in the same small town and school for his entire life,and for his family's entire life.I began to realise that such a friendship exists and I wished I had that.I never did - I moved every year before finally settling down in middle school.My Junior year in high school came,my boyfriend's Senior year,and the only friends I made in my own grade moved away.The rest of my friends were graduating.I realised that I don't have friends in my own grade and I would have a very lonely Senior year,and so it was.The only person I talked to that year was my boyfriend,whom I was able to see at least once a month,snce he was in college,whenever he came to me on weekends.He would tell me wonderful things he would do with the new friends he met;the silly Youtube videos they showed him that made him laugh so hard,the jokes they made,the games they played.I was glad he was happy,but I was just getting more sad about my own situation.My cat died in the middle of the year,sometime before Christmas week.I spent most of my time with her and she was my companion at home for ten years.I loved her very much and I still do.But after I lost her,I had no one to spend time with.I was completely lonely and I was never happy,not even when getting reassurance from my boyfriend through texts,for two weeks.The time came for me to go to college,and my hopes were so high about meeting new people.It was a new environment,new people,new me,no more being so introverted.I was excited.Here I am now,with only one friend out of the three fun people I met at orientation.Never talking to the two other people that I met brings me down.I would think,"What would I be doing if I had met them again,instead of staying in my boyfriend's dorm most of my time?"I want to make friends,but every night I come to realise,"How am I supposed to make friends?I don't play video games.I don't watch many shows.I can't strike up a conversation about interests with anyone."I don't think I'm an interesting person,and I believe I won't make any friends.I think about this,and about how tough college is becoming on my parent's paycheck,and I just want to find something,anything,to kill myself.But I'm glued to my bed,and I know I don't really want to do it.I fall asleep to my own sadness.I talked to my boyfriend about it.It was just like when he found out about me starving myself;he said to not consider suicide again,that "it's not allowed,"and having memories to look back on is something to be happy about.But I realised that I'm never happy anymore."Why am I never as happy as I used to be?"I just can't get as excited about things as I used to.I'm happy when I find a way to have fun with someone.But I never enjoy nature as much as I used to.I used to draw and go outside and pull my boyfriend out on long walks at night and be so awestruck at the moon's beauty and the night's cool breeze.I can't imagine that happiness anymore.The last time I remember doing so was before December 2013.I can't even find happiness in the things I'm thankful for.That is what worries me the most:I'm not overall happy anymore.Have I lost it?Am I never going to be able to make myself happy again and I'll need someone to bring my happiness to me,for it to be taken back when that person has to leave?Should I talk to a doctor or get a therapist?I don't know what depression is like,but I'm scared that I might find out,and I'm afraid that there's no way to go back.I want to be happy again.