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Is there something else wrong with me?

I haven't left a post on this forum in a long time so it's nice to get a chance to vent again. I guess I'll start by saying that I'm trying to deal with my severe depression without the help of medication and it's not going so well. I just got tired of all of the side effects of SSRIs. My stomach is a total wreck. I have the worst constipation and from all of the medications and I've been off them for several months now and I still can't get my digestive system back on track. They also TOTALLY killed my sex drive and made me impotent. I'm only 25 and I felt like I was chemically castrated. Now I'm feeling very depressed and my anxiety is totally through the roof again. To make matters worse, I seem to have a very hard time controlling my temper. Less than an hour ago I was sparring with a friend of mine and just lost it on him. I used to box and took submission wrestling so when we're sparring I'm really supposed to go easy on him but, I just lost it. I've been fighting crying my eyes out all day and when I started sparring with him I just got so mad for nothing and knocked him down, then I started hitting him on the ground. For those of you who are wondering, that's very illegal in boxing. I just started thinking of how lonely I am and how he has a girlfriend and how I can't seem to work through my anxiety and pursue a woman because I'm either impotent or riddled with anxiety and unable to stop thinking about my ex girlfriend of over a year ago. The worst part is that he's been a good friend to me through all of this and I still just seem to be so mad at him. Yesterday he even gave me a picture that him and his girlfriend got me on there vacation. I seem to get mad at him and other people so easily and can get very violent at times. My doctor and my counselor tell me that it's anger brought on by depression and anxiety and honestly, when I take antidepressants like Paxill and Zoloft that also help with anxiety I do feel better. What the hell is wrong with me?! Is this a sign of something else wrong with me? I'm tired of trying to work through this and I feel like I'm not going to be able to lead a normal life either way. Medicated have a lot of stomach problems and can't perform sexually. Without medication I can't get anything done and I feel like I turn into a monster that attacks my friends. Should I think about being committed? It's one thing to worry about committing suicide but, it's another to think about hurting someone else. I know I should have stayed on medication but, I had to try.  
3 Responses
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454863 tn?1208306979
Doing extreme stuff like that can be very dangerous.  Maybe take a break  from it, get yourself in order.  See within yourself what you need.
Helpful - 0
1455536 tn?1285335680
I can relate when you say your "tired of working through it" I am 38 and have been "working through" depression since I was in my teens. I am really getting tired of it. I ask myself the exact same question;"what is wrong with me??"  I just recently tried to go off my meds and ended up fighting with my friend and one of my neighbours. When I'm not on meds my fuse is so short, and I have kids, so for me, I have to stay on them. Hope it all works out for you :)
Helpful - 0
1452200 tn?1288418943
I had a hard time finding medications that worked, too, but I wasn't having all of the same problems you are... I'm sorry to hear it's been so tough.

The hospital is mostly for getting medications figured out in a safe environment, and a lot of the time they have group therapy sessions that help you deal with the trials you face being a person with a mental illness.  But make that a last resort. For now, I would ask your psychiatrist about different medications you can try, and maybe ask about some type of mood stabilizer/anti-psychotic. That was the only thing that did it for me (and I'm not bipolar or schizophrenic).

I was stuck to one anti depressant because the other ones either had bad side effects or I couldn't take it because it would interfere with my bleeding disorder.

I totally feel for you though. The anger that builds up inside from basically nowhere, along with the frustration of your medication not working... oh man. Not good.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you need to talk, you know my name.
Helpful - 0
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