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20858645 tn?1545351197

Is this just depression, because I'm having a lot of strange issues.

So, I have been previously diagnosed with Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Depression, ADHD, and Autism. I've been having ups and downs, but they just seem to hard to control. Yesterday, I was feeling great! Usually, I feel alright, but yesterday was far greater than normal. I made a list and tackled everything on it, did a full workout, and felt so confident that it was unlike me. Today, I had to fall out of bed to get up. Nothing on my list has been completed. My head felt so foggy, so I spent the whole day drawing. When I'm upset or depressed, I draw the strangest creatures. The other things I draw are my characters that I made, which I feel like are essentially a part of me. As weird as that seems.  I didn't get up for hours, and I haven't eaten. I also keep getting random flashbacks to things that upset me years ago. I don't intentionally dwell on them, they just come into my memory really strongly. Sometimes they aren't even traumatic. But you know when you have the strong physical feeling that you get when you really really regret doing something? This happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. And my body shakes and I say something out loud about it like, "Jeez, why the heck would you say that to Penny? You're so weird." or "You should just kill yourself." or, "She was right, I'll never make it out in the real world." I cannot help this. It just happens, and it's been only a recent thing. I don't understand what any of this is. I feel so different from day to day sometimes, and it's getting so debilitating. Constantly, I'll try to think of positive things, but stupid negative things force their way through, like a time that I got made fun of for my learning disability, or the time I was abused, or even the times I never stood up for myself (always), and I get that really strong feeling of regret, and I shake. Then I proceed to imagine me doing violent things to myself (No one else), like bashing my head into the nearest wall or dumping boiling water on my face. What is wrong? Is this just depression?
2 Responses
20858645 tn?1545351197
I failed to mention that I do have trauma from a laundry list of bad things that I haven't really talked about, because that is seen as dwelling on the past, and I constantly tell myself to just get over it.
Avatar universal
Well, just "getting over it" is nice to say but if you're not getting over it, are you in therapy to get some help doing this?  But I think basically yeah, this is depression, but I think you're also judging yourself in a harsher way because you do suffer from anxiety and depression than you would otherwise.  Everyone has periods where things are better than other times and times that aren't as good.  Everyone suffers at some point from things that happened n the past.  As we get older, this gets more prevalent because we have more experiences to look back on and because time gets shorter to get to where we hoped we would get to and didn't.  But for those of us who are depressed and anxious, we do this commonly, not just once in awhile, because if we didn't judge ourselves harshly we wouldn't, probably, be suffering from the illness.  The illness, in other words, causes some stuff, but we also cause some stuff because of how we react to the illness if we don't fix it.  For me, this has gotten pretty bad since I got into my sixties, because there's just no time anymore to put right the things that go wrong.  You don't say how old you are, but I'm trying to reassure you that everyone does this at some point and it can actually be helpful, as it keeps us motivated.  But when you obsess over it, it just becomes like all the other things depressed and anxious people obsess over.  What kind of treatment are you receiving for your anxiety and depression?
2 Comments
I'm sorry that you're going through the emotions that you have, and you are absolutely right involving age and experience. So the whole "Get over it" thing that I said...So I recently talked to my mother about something that was the most traumatic thing I've gone through. (It was an odd form of physical abuse by my ex) Her response, "Get over it." That crushed me. The kicker is that she has a Master's in Psychology. I'm 26. The first time I had signs of depression was in 2nd grade. It's really been hard to track it though, because throughout most of my life I've had crazy crazy things happen that would make anyone have these feelings. This is...I'm not exaggerating...The first home environment where I can feel safe, and have my feelings and let them out. I felt like I have been in survival mode for so much of my life, but I do remember feeling non situationally depressed tons in the past. So I've been in and out of therapy for a very long time. I haven't been to one in over a year, and I of course went through yet another traumatic experience since then. I'm afraid of being medicated honestly. I've had terrible side effects.
I'm not sure 2d graders suffer what we call depression.  There is a difference between childhood feelings and adult illnesses.  That being said, yeah, some of us just have a harder time "getting over it" than others do.  It takes all kinds to make a world.  Be kind to yourself.  If your Mom isn't a source of support, hopefully you find friends who will offer it.  I grew up in a time when by and large mental illness wasn't considered a thing unless you were psychotic -- everything else was just laziness and weakness.  Things are better now, so take heart in that.  Also, although with a Masters your Mom isn't a psychologist, psychologists can be hard on others strangely enough.  (Also, you might want to look into your Mom a bit -- a lot of people who become psychiatrists and psychologists have suffered at some point from mental illness, often starting in their teen years.  That's how they got interested in the subject).  But one thing I've learned, nobody else is likely to appear in your life and save you unless it's a professional.  Some people do have the kind of family and friends who really do help constructively, but most of us don't have that.  People are what they are.  You have to care about you.  It sounds like you're actually doing better now than in the past, which is great.  But don't stop trying to fix it, and remember, it seems like you've been around awhile at 26 but you're really young and resilient and adaptable.  All the best.  
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