Just venting...

[DayDreamingXoXo]

I've never been on a site to talk about my depression. I just need help. I'm a 23 year old female living with severe depression and anxiety. I'm afraid I've gone so down there's no way out this pit. I've had depression ever since I was a little girl. My mom had it and always took it out on my brother and I. There was just constant saddness, yelling, and negativity in my home. My mom is a single parent because my dad left us when mom was prego. So I understand the stress she had. Her illness and stress just gave her the worst outlook on life. I could be happy about something at school and she either wouldn't say anything or would change the subject. I always felt alone. I tried so hard to get her attention, but all I did was annoy her. When I was 10 she got into Wicca. She say's she did a spell for love. Two weeks later my mom has a boyfriend and he quickly moves in. Then there was marriage and his two teenage boys who came to live with us. If I thought I was aline then I had another thing coming. My brother started doing drugs and thats when I started getting molested by my brother and step brother. I never told my mom because I gave up looking for her love. Well growing up as a teen I was bullied a lot. I was popular and boys liked me so peiple made rumors that I was a *****. I was a virgin. At 16 I fell in love with a older guy who showed me affection like I've never had. He played me the whole time and hated me for my illness. Made me get an abortion...well brainwashed really. He manipulated me a lot. He started only seeing me for sex. My depression got terrible. Couldn't leave my house for weeks. After 4 years he told me to stay out his life. I was always suicidal, but this time it was worst. Since then I've had substance issues and I've been very insecure. I hate myself and cant stand the site of me in a mirror. People tell me I'm pretty, but I feel so gross. I cant find a reason to live. I dont understand why im here. Everyone has either ignored, abused, or used me. I feel so disgusted by myself I never want to leave my house. I'm losing my friends and family. My escape a couple years ago was church. But after my peeping tom tried to kidnap me in my backyard i stopped going. My friends at church thought i was looking for attention. So i have no church and all my friends use substances. I havent had a job in over a year due to my depression. I feel cursed. Every time someone says im pretty i want to cut my face and body up. I hate to be looked at and hate the skin im in. I cant stop having flash backs from being molested and i have no one to help me. Ive had close to 4-5 panic attacks a week. Doctors wont give me meds because they think ill abuse them. The therapist i had never talked so i felt stupid to cry and embarrassed. I pray but things just get worst. I didnt ask to be here and this is the life i have to have? I dont understand why i cant get better. Why i cant move on and not be afraid to trust or love. I want to work go to school become successful but its all a dream. Every day i think about suicide. But i dont want to feel pain. Ive done everything exercise, read, everything. I even used to work in a mental health care facility helping others. I know the answers but cant pull myself up. I want to go to a hospital again but my dr treated me like ****. Kept telling me how stupid i was. He said i was to young to not help myself. Then a lady therapist told me i was dramatic and caused my own problems. Patients would say i was to pretty to be sad and i was a lier. Who wants to be on the suicide unit sleeping in a room with a stranger and having everyone know your depressed?  My whole life people have just hated me. I hate me too. More than anyone. I just wish i could leave this place. But i dont want to go and have people say i did it for attention.

[hopefulforfuture]

After suffering chronic depression for almost 20 yrs my reading a lot and seeing many therapists and getting many medications recently i realised myself that i have BPD traits . I can (i think) understand your situation especially our relationship with therapists . The most important is get the therapist you trust ( having black and white thinking its difficult for us ...refer internet on black and white thinking )  and preferably who is trained in treating bpd if u r diagnosed with bpd .  

I had many lousy and mean psychiatrists , but 2 good therapists who understood me ... Ultimately now im gettting better especially after reading and practising cognitive behavioural therapy ( my main problem is depression not BPD )  .  For bpd DBT (refer net) is more better .  
I didnt have Hating myself as a symptom and that helped me to prevent suicide . Thats a challenging symptom and the best you can do is get a good therapist and read a lot and also interact with people in medhelp .
And :) DONT HATE YOURSELF ... Let whole world hate us but DONT HATE OURSELVES ... ITS NOT OUR FAULT :)  Im not a counsellor so i dont know how elese to put it  .. Keep posting and U WILL GET WELL gradually  ...

[DayDreamingXoXo]

It's pretty obvious I should do those things. Again your telling me something I know. It's for me to go out and put myself out there and get a job. I have a fear of rejection and I have very low self esteem. But thank you.

[DayDreamingXoXo]

Thank you :)

[DayDreamingXoXo]

Thank you for replying back to me. :) Can you please tell me more about your daughter? Maybe we can message each other? Does your daughter take medication? What degrees did she go for? It gives me hope to know that she could get through school. I really want to go back this fall. I do try to get up I work out a lot, but I have bad body pain. Not sure if it's because of all the stress. Thank you so much for being so kind looking forward to hearing from you. :)

[Leedsmike]

Hi,
   It seems you had a very complicated life. I wont to bla bla but come straight to the point. You see, there is a learning from every incidence that happens in our life. You had a lot of incidences in your life, so try to learn from that and do not repeat those things. Second, you should always keep yourself busy. The more busy you are, the less time you get to brood over things. so do a job, and keep yourself busy. depression comes if we think a lot, so stop thinking a lot. Its better you consult a  therapist and get treated for a few months. all the best.

[jimi1822]

Your in my heart felt Prayers and Blessings my Friend =0)

[remar]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this.
Dreams can come true and there's no reason you can't go to school.
Your story reminds me a little of my daughter. She is incredibly beautiful and gets lots of unwanted attention. People have no idea that's she's a beautiful person on the inside as well as being extremal intelligent, caring and loving. She has BPD. With BDP you can have depression, anxiety, low self esteem, the list goes on and on. What I'm trying to say is it makes me mad when people value a person only for their outward beauty. It truly is on the inside that counts.
You need to find a different therapist. Sometimes it can take time to find one you really like and trust. Remember that they work for you, not the other way around. Make appointments and interview them. If you don't click with them then move on to the next therapist. You will find one you like.
Check out the local college in your area to see what kind of classes you might want to take. You can do this. My daughter has 2 college degrees even though she has struggled all of her life with BPD. It can be done. I really think going to school will make you happy and also give you a reason to get up in the morning. You may be able to get financial help. Talk to someone at the college about this. If you need help I can ask my daughter to send you a message.
Can you make some calls tomorrow about seeing a new therapist?