Losing my mind...

[KoRRoDEAD]

Hello community, first time posting...
I'm writing because I feel like I'm losing my mind. First off I want to say that I'm usually a laid back carefree guy. I find it incredibly hard to express excitement, anger or sadness, whicy has lead my co-worker to believe I may have dysthymia, which he described as a constant mild depression. But I've been increasingly aware of my deteriorating mental state. Ever since I was around 13 I've been having what I have been mislabelling as panic attacks on a annual basis. Usually the same time of year in spring. Not linked to any past trauma. They effect me anywhere between a few days and a few weeks at a time. I think it is best described as an explosion of conflicted emotion. Usually anger, hate, self loathing, anxiety, sadness. While in this state I want to be alone though I have no problem letting others know how I feel. I will usually have tears streaming down my face for no apparent reason and I will have difficulty talking.

Slight change of topic but still relevant. I have been living across the ocean from my partner for the past year. We used to live in the same town. We are working on getting her over here too but the distance is becoming increasingly difficult for both of us.

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling unusually agitated a d depressed. I feel as though there is a bestial rage inside me that needs to get out but I'm scared of qua will happen if I do be cause that side of me is like the dark creature we lock away with all the taboo subjects and things we know are wrong. I'm writing this mainly because I need to find a n outlet but don't know how.

That will do for now, I feel a bit better for voicing it. Feel free to comment or not.

[KoRRoDEAD]

I'd agree with that actually... My brain was definatly looking for something, something different to shake it up and get me out of the funk i was in... so yeh looking for some kind of "cure/medication" but it fixed itself eventually.


On another note i've decided to start a mood tracker and a sleep tracker and keep journal logs on both to see if i can see some kind of pattern. I'm guessing one of my problems is that im gettting very little sleep and its not that good quality either. hopefully now ive got some days off i should be able to catch up on missed sleep and see if that improves my mood somewhat.

[homelessheart]

I normally don't make comments because I feel I am not sauvy enough, but after reading about you craving alcohol I feel like I understand. When I was young I drank. I didn't like the taste of alcohol at all but it altered my mood. I wasn't on any medication back then. Looking back I could see that I was self medicating. Now that I am on medication I feel no urge to drink. Perhaps that is what your brain is doing subconciously. It's trying to medicate itself with what it use to.

[KoRRoDEAD]

Oh and i have been thinking more and more recently that maybe i should go and talk to a professional, but theres always a part of me that says "oh you're just over-reacting, there's nothing wrong with you, you just need to chill"

Oh and one more thing i find odd.

When i was about 16, i had a drinking problem. I would drink roughly at least a small bottle (35cl) of Vodka straight each day, for almost a year. I think that was when my depression was at it's worst, though at the time i thought i was just rebelling. But looking back i think it was causing/caused by my depression as i would almost always drink alone. but since then i have become almost tee total. i used to drink on occasion, but not at all any more, even if someone offers me i'll say no unless it's something that actually tastes nice and even then only small amount. But the reason i bring it up is that today my brain was craving that i go out and buy some alcohol, enough to get stupid drunk. And for the life of me i can't make sense of it. And when i said no my brain said "well go and get some anti-depressants then" which i also find weird as i have never taken any medication for depression.

end rant

[KoRRoDEAD]

Thanks guys, i'm probably making it out to sound worse than it is, but then i'm not certain as my mood distorts what i try and say alot of the time.

Also, the name KoRRoDEAD was an online alias i came up with when i was in my mid teens when i felt my personality had 'corroded' and i was becoming someone i barely recognized... i dont feel like that now... i dont think... but the name kinda stuck.

i've been thinking alot on my feelings the past few hours. I don't think i'm the kind to do anything drastic or spontaenious even if theres part of me that wants to.

My body keeps telling me i need to just go out and start a fight randomly, or go out and hit something, or chop down a tree. Need an outlet for built up tension. But A) i'm a very lethargic person and not at all active, and B) i'm a pacifist.

I think i've identified another reason this past year has been tough on me. Since moving country, not only did i leave my partner behind but i left all my friends behind. And since living here i havn't made any friends that arent colleagues, clients or people i met through my parents. I work, i drive home, i play video games and i sleep. and on my days off i just play games and sleep. i think my mind is craving some social interaction, and my body is craving physical interaction, yet without my partner here my heart doesnt want me to leave my computer, which is the only way i can talk to her.

Another seemingly trivial thing to note, is last week i had to send my laptop out for repairs, a laptop which i used to take to work so i could talk to my girlfriend during my night shift. A nightshift i might add in which i am completely alone. boredom and social deprivation as well as a messed sleep cycle.

Don't get me wrong, i love my job and i find it very rewarding and i wouldnt change it for anything. But being alone all the time gives my brain too much time to talk to itself that i think its taking its toll on me.

To summarize what im beginning to identify as my causes...

A) I miss my girlfriend
B) I'm almost always alone except at work where i have to keep it professional
C) I don't excercise at all because i drive everywhere so im becoming more lethargic
D) I have no variety in my day to day life.

Conversely i am looking on the bright side... Things i am thankful for

A) I have someone who loves me unconditionally and who will visit me in a months time
B) I have parents who will support me no matter what
C) I have a job i love which gives me more than enough money for anything i'll need, and it's only 3 nights a week.

Again i am kinda using this thread as an outlet, as voicing to myself doesn't work. And even though talking to my partner helps i also don't want to burden her as i'm sure she has enough on her plate.

[gofio]

Your nickname's certainly not indicative of a well person? Suggest you see a qualified Dr/Psych. Here there's lots of 'support' but never a diagnosis ~ as even a MD wouldn't do that without seeing you.Somehow as the last post indicated we have to find our own solutions to our problems, but sometimes help is necessary. Seek help without delay, anger's not a good emotion to struggle with. There are 'talking therapies' available, but these generally work in conjunction with meds for best results. An instant cure's not possible, but you can soon feel the benefits of getting some guidance from the qualified folk. Meanwhile, do your best to purge your mind of negative thoughts & try to replace them with happier memories/plans etc. You ain't going mad! Good Luck

[RainLover71]

Bro,your not alone by a long shot.Life is hard enough to manage and then we have or own personal issues to deal with,it,s never easy but we must face our fears and problems otherwise they will not go away and are likely to get worse.You have to find something to do that will distract your mind from the pain it,s going through.Your a young man with everything to live for,just find out what makes you happy and focus on that.I,ve suffered depression for years and always prefered to be alone but now i,m comming to terms with it and getting out more.Chance aspects of your life if you have to and seek happiness.I wish you all the best.