Mom hates me, I hate me, and I don't know what to dk

[Bluelipsblueveins]

Hello. I'm 18 and I'm about to leave for college. The problem is myself. I hate myself. Everything about me. How I look, how I act, what I say. Everything thing I do is wrong. I used to be ok but at some point I started to take in what my mom would say to me. It started out with the way I looked. She would tell me I looked like an old woman because of my long hair, and that no boy would like me with baggy clothes and that I looked like a hunch back (I don't have good posture). And every single time I would walk she would pinch me and tell me walk straight that I looked weird (I'm pigeon toed). In middle school this didn't bother me because I didn't care about what I looked like but I became more conscience of it in highschool. I tried to dress better but I didn't like makeup until she told me I looked sickly with no make up and wouldn't let me leave the house if I didn't wear it. So I avoided fights by doing that. Then there was my weight. I went through puberty when I started highshool and I started gaining a little weight (which is normal because I had hips and boobs to fill in) but my mom hated it. She was constantly calling me fat and not allowing me to eat at dinner. One time we went shopping and she refused to buy any pair of pants that wasn't a 00 slim. Lucky after so many fights I convinced her to let me wear 0 pants so that's ok now. But I'm constantly worried about my fat and weight now. I'm at a healthy 120 lb for being 5'6" but I don't wear tight clothes because I'm afraid of my stomach. I remember the first time I realized I had rolls when I sat down. It was in my math class. I was so afraid of what she would say that to this day if I'm shirtless and around her I'll suck in my gut when I sit. When I stand I have abs but when I sit the skin folds and I'm ashamed. Then there was everything else. She didn't like my friends so I could never hand out with them, I tried making new ones and I did but it was hard. I'm always afraid that she won't like them. I'm a straight A student, top 30% of my class and i got half tuition in scholarship to the shook I'm going to but a of highshool shed constantly tell me how dumb I was for getting a occasional bad test grade. I get Elle's at for not helping around the house, but I do help I make her meals and clean. But sometimes I don't know how to do something and she'll yell at me for not knowing. I don't know what to do. Now everything I do seems wrong. I can't seem to understand failure. I created my own film and I make me own art but when something goes wrong it's as if she's yelling at me and my brain does what she always does. Brings up every single thing I've done wrong. And it makes me hate myself. What happened to make me write this post is that I went to hang out with my friend who is a lesbian and her girlfriend and they came late and I asked if I could go to a movie with them and she called all angrily to tell me that I'm incapable of anything and that I could not read situations and that I had to go home or I would be sent to community college. I don't know what to do. Is everything I do wrong? Is that really true? I'm afraid to say it's not because she always says that's my stupid teenager side fighting with her. But I don't understand. I can't even cry without her saying I'm just faking it. She's not just like this with me. She does it with my little brother too. But my brother is more confident and outgoing so he fights her back and does what he wants. I don't know what to do. After she called me I waited in the car for a while. I think I want to kill myself. I usually write all of this down in my journal but I don't have it. If everything I do is really wrong then what's the point of living a life that I can't do anything right in?

[quikfire]

1) Bluelipsblueveins, you are loved more than you possibly know. You may feel otherwise, others may say otherwise, and you may even hate yourself, but the truth is that you are dearly loved.

2) Stop telling yourself that you hate yourself, get rid of that self-condemnation. Instead, tell yourself that you love yourself- you may not even believe the words "I love myself" but that's ok, every time you want to hate yourself, love yourself instead. You may not be able to control everything that happens to you, nor what your mom says or do, but you can at least be kind to yourself and love yourself- this start with what you tell yourself in your head.

3) How your mom treats you and your brother, based on what you have written, is not right, and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU- it most probably has to do with her! I find that when people act out against others in unkind ways, the issue often lies with the person herself, not you. It is obvious that your mother has issues she herself is struggling with. Your response is to not take it personally- do not introvert, do not ruminate on the things she's said or done, or your own mistakes (real or perceived), let it go.

4) Pick up the book The Mom Factor by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. This book will help you understand the various types of moms there are (e.g. a controlling mom, a china doll mom etc.), the possible causes and how it affects you as her child. More importantly, how you can set boundaries and heal from it. This book will help clarify a lot of things and help you realize that the problem is not you! At the same time it will teach you to forgive your mom and to also take responsibility for your own boundaries and healing.

5) Set boundaries. The book above will go into more detail, but one of the best things you can do yourself now is to distance yourself from your mom, physically if possible. You will need time to heal and discover yourself, and you can't do that when your mom is still affecting you to such a large degree. It is a good thing that you're going to college, this should create the physical separation necessary for you to heal. It will help greatly if you can find a group of friends who are supportive and able to love you for who you are, who are encouraging and kind. Take note of your natural tendency to be drawn to people who are similar to your mom, i.e. put you down, discouraging etc., and stay away from them.

6) Eat more. I surmise that you are restricting your food intake, which invariably leads to nutritional deficiencies and physiological detriment- your perception, moods, confidence, self-esteem, emotions can be negatively affected and makes it harder to recover from this situation. You may ruminate on issues far more than you should, feel low self-esteem and self-hatred far more than is reasonable given your circumstances, and find it harder to get out or fight back (like your brother does). Consequently, you may start to obsessively focus on issues like your stomach, which causes you to eat even less, and a vicious cycle begins. I was in this situation before.

Do not be afraid to eat some comfort foods- a little dark chocolate, some ice cream from time to time, will do wonders for your soul and help make the world brighter.

You will find that the as you heal and recover over time, your body will easily lose weight and become healthier even if you snack from time to time. Unnecessarily restricting your diet, however, creates stress on your mind/body and can lead to weight gain. Moderation is key.

7) Finally, all this stress, self-hatred, depression has drained your body natural resources considerably, and that is why it is much harder to recover/ bounce back from such situations.

Julia Ross has written a book titled The Mood Cure, and explains how and why when certain resources are drained from our body, our moods and perception of life can be severely affected, and makes recovery much harder.

You can take her questionnaire to see if any of the profiles fit you: https://www.moodcure.com/take_the_mood_type_questionnaire.html

Her book goes into more detail about how to recover from such moods, and I believe will be a foundational step for you to heal yourself.

Hope this helps.

In God's love,
quikfire