Needs Advice

[mancon7]

Hi, I have a 13 year old daughter who constantly is depressed about her appearence. Because of this she feels very limited and does not do anything in fear of people looking at her and thinking she is ugly. I think she is very attractive. My daughter no longer has any friends and stays away from people. She claims she is too ugly and nobody would want to be her friend.  
It really makes me upset because everything we do always turns into her crying about how she looks. I do all I can to make her more beautiful, but nothing seems to make her feel like she is beautiful. If I tell her she is, she gets VERY angry and lashes out. She thinks i am lying to make her feel better.
This has been going on for about 2 1/2 years.

[Jaquta]

I think you should have her assessed by a psychiatrist (possibly a child and adolescent one) and then possibly follow that up with psychotherapy.
It is much easier to address these issues earlier rather than to allow them to compound and further erode someones self-esteem and life.
These losses and deficits can be devastating both now and later.

[mammo]

I feel so bad for both of you.  Unfortunately, as her mother she does feel that what you say is out of love, and she needs reinforcement from others.  She's at an age when there is so much emphasis on looks, lots of pressure.  I think at this point she needs professional help, as mothers we can only do so much, and you've done what every mother would have done also.  Sometimes with kids her age, the less you say to enforce this, the better.  She is determined to not agree with you, so if you just say something like "I'm sorry you feel this way," she may start thinking differently, and actually out of defense start thinking more realistically about herself.  I'm not saying to agree with her, just allow her to not be on the defensive with you.  She knows what you think, it's kind of like reversed psychology.  I know you feel helpless, and I do feel professional help will do her a lot of good.  The more social she can be, the better.  Interacting in group settings is always good for one's self esteem, but it sounds like she has no interest in this and this is where therapy can help.  As a parent of a daughter I know how this hurts, but there is help for her, and with her being so young getting her help now may head off future problems.  Good luck to you both and take care...

[therese83]

That is very sad and must be very hard for you to see this going on.

It sounds like body Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) which starts in adolescence. I am wondering if she has had any help because you say it is over 2 years?  If not then you must get help for her as this can be treated and I would not let it go on any longer.

[whodunnit]

Hello,

SO sad to hear your frustration in trying to have your daughter see the truth.

It sounds a lot like the problems the girls who suffer bulimia feel. No matter how much weight they lose they still think they are overweight. Similar thought pattern but slightly different topic. But the issue is the same isn't it? Her own belief about her image, how she looks to others.

A high degree of paranoia there too by the sounds of it if she is afraid of what people MAY think.

Certainly she should see your local doctor, with you and look for referall to a therapist. Someone to talk to about herself without having that parental connection.

When we get down to it really it is not how we appear physically is it? It's how we are as people that really matters. Have you tried that approach with her? Or would she interpret it as you saying she is not physically beauutiful?

Very difficult, I don't envy you dealing with this but therapy is the first step. Good luck.

[ILADVOCATE]

Social withdrawal, loss of feelings of self worth and anger can be part of depression or bipolar but its hard to say as some of what you are describing can be part of a person's life who has low self esteem. It would be best if you took her to a psychologist and they could see if a further referral was needed from there