- 28 years old
- No history of smoking
- Alcohol use on a rare basis (one glass of wine per month-ish)
- No recreational drug use
- Current medication: Lamotrigine (100mg/day), Clonazepam (3mg/day - 2mg in the morning, 1mg before bed), birth control
*There’s a lot of history here, but I feel like it’s necessary*
I have a history of severe anxiety, however, prior to this issue beginning, by the time I turned about 14, it was well-controlled with SSRIs (2 total, I believe over that time period), as well as a small dose (1/2-1mg) of Lorazepam for use as-needed (very rarely used).
For 14 years, I lived a normal life, finished high school and college, held a steady job, was married, had a baby (born 08/19), bought a house, etc., and though there were challenges, because life, I was doing well.
The “doing well” lasted through October 2021. Halloween was super fun, we were looking at having another baby, looking to buy a bigger house, etc. Life was good.
But in early November, everything changed, seemingly overnight. My anxiety meds stopped working entirely, and I developed really severe depression and OCD.
I’ve attended weekly therapy since I was 11 years old, and still do. My psychiatrist and I tried courses of 10+ (I lost count) SSRIs, a few SNRIs, 2 mood stabilizers, a number of antipsychotics/complex antipsychotics, and multiple benzodiazepines to get this debilitating depression, anxiety, and OCD under control, but taking meds is suddenly like taking sugar pills. They have LITERALLY no effect. It’s very strange.
I’ve also completed a full course of TMS, and tried Ketamine treatments, but both were entirely ineffective as well. As if I had done nothing.
I don’t know what to do anymore, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. It’s been close to a year of self-harm, countless suicide attempts, partial hospitalization programs, inpatient hospitalization programs, alongside my usual outpatient “maintenance” care, and I’m worse than I’ve ever been and getting worse each day.
I don’t understand how in October ‘21, I was a happy, functional and productive mother/wife/member of society, and seemingly overnight in November ‘21, I turned into this severely depressed, treatment-resistant and suicidal patient, having 5-6 panic attacks a day, “self-medicating” by cutting up my arms, legs, stomach, chest, etc. on a regular basis, and displaying such severe symptoms of OCD, that my husband is considering taking my son and leaving because I’ve become incapable of living with others.
Please help. Provide some answers. I miss the old me. I miss being happy. No one understands why nothing is working for me.
I need help.