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Please help me. I'm Begging.

Okay I'm not exactly sure how to type this up, so bare with me. I'm an 18 year old girl, currently a freshman in college. I'm in a school out-of-state and I've never felt worse. I've been having issues with "depression" since the 7th grade. I cut myself a couple times back then, but that didn't last long. I seemed to have gotten better, but the feeling was always there. The past 6 years I've been fine, but the smallest things would upset me and the intense depression would come back.

I've never told anyone this, and I think that's what has me where I am now. Feeling more suicidal than I ever have. It doesn't help that I'm in a completely new environment, far from home, and being attacked by a ton of school work. No one ever takes me seriously because I'm just a fun person that people come to for advice, but when I need help I feel like no one is there for me. Recently I've been fed up with this feeling, and for the past 2 weeks I have been crying everyday and not a second passes when I don't want to leave this earth. I have no drive to do my work, study for my tests, go to class, even wake up in the morning. I NEED HELP.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to talk to my mom about this, but I don't want to worry her. I'm afraid of what she will think, and she's been through so much raising me and my older sister by herself since my dad died shortly after I was born. As much as I don't want to bother her, I know I need to. I don't have a plan right now, but I know I can't stay here one more week. I can't. I need to leave, college that is. My mom went through so much to get me here, but I can't stay, it's bad for my health. My condition isn't diagnosed since I've never sought out professional help, but I know that if I'm gonna make it through this alive, I need to. The worst part is probably that I'm so good at hiding it. No one would ever guess that I feel this way, especially not my mom. I have absolutely no idea how to tell her. If you have any suggestions that would be wonderful because I need her to understand.

The only reason I'm still living right now is because I don't want to cause pain to my family by taking my own life. I'm fighting tears right now because I'm typing this in my dorm room while my roommate is here. She has no idea what's going through my head as I play upbeat music to hide the fact that I'm hurting. I would hate for her to wake up one day to me just lying there. I care so much for people, I couldn't stand to be the source of someone's pain.

I'm wasting my mom's money here in college since I have 0 motivation to learn. I would much rather be in a mental institution or some kind of rehab. I'm clueless on where I need to be, but I know it's not here. I need to be back in my home state getting professional help. Will someone give me some input, anybody....
3 Responses
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1110049 tn?1409402144
Oh my dear I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. Is there a counselling service at your college where you can talk through your problems.

if I were your mum I would want you to talk to me about your worries.  us mums only want what is best for our children.  You are so homesick and that is making nyou more depressed.

perhaps younger people on this site may be able to help you more.

Please don't go on in an environment that is makin g you so depressed.  

Can you see a doctor and perhaps be helped by therapy and anti-depressants.  You obviously need help and guidance.  Worry about yourself.  Get in touch with your mum.  
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Welcome honey!  I'm SO glad you found your way here.

You are a VERY smart, very insightful young woman, that comes through loud and clear.  You're right on the mark, about everything.  You DO need to seek help, you've suffered too long already in silence.  You DO need to confide in your Mom.  I know it's hard, and I know you're worried about upsetting her and disappointing her, but when the smoke clears, she will be so glad you told her.  She would NEVER want to lose you.  She would never get over that, sweetie.  Once she realizes just how serious this is, she'll be understanding and supportive.  She's probably going to be more upset that you've kept this inside for so long, suffering when you didn't have to.  She already lost your Dad so young, she would never heal if she lost you too.  BTW, I'm sorry your lost your Dad like that, that's so very sad.

So, here's the plan, hon.  You already know you can't go on like this...not for another day.  First and foremost, it goes without saying that, if at ANY point you really feel you may harm yourself, seek help immediately, tell your roommate, call 911, whatever you have to do to stay safe.  Promise yourself that.  You can't get your life back if you're not here.  It's a fight worth fighting too!

You need to call your Mom and tell her everything that is going on.  I agree with you that the best thing is probably going to be you taking a semester off, going home, and getting some intensive professional help, most likely in the form of meds and therapy.  You're young, you can always return to college, which I'm sure you will.  Your well being is priority here.

The sooner you tell your Mom, the more opportunity she'll have to work something out with the University.  They will try to work with people in these kinds of situations, so your Mom doesn't lose all the tuition money and so forth.  Explain to her that it is your goal to return to college, but when you're in a better place.  You're barely functioning, let alone able to learn like you should.

It's up to you, but if you feel close enough to your roommate, you could confide in her as well.  You're obviously going to have to tell her soon, so why not now?  I bet she'll be very supportive.  Us people with depression are so good at putting on a show, and sometimes we feel we're not worthy of other people's support and compassion.  We feel "damaged", or "weak".  You can't help it, sweetie, it's just how you're wired.  I know you probably feel ashamed.  Most of us did at solme point to.  It's NOTHING to be ashamed of.  You'd be amazed at how many people you know in your life that are battling depression, anxiety, or some other mental illness.  You're FAR from alone.

PLEASE don't wait, you can do this.  I KNOW it's very hard, and I KNOW you're very scared, but trust me, as a mother I can PROMISE you your Mom doesn't want you to be struggling like this.  She would move mountains to do what it takes to get you well.

PLEASE update us when you can.  We really do care, and we understand.  Most of us have been where you are, in that dark place.  We're all still fighting in some way or another.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.  I know it doesn't seem like it, but this is actually a very good thing.  You've finally gotten to the place where you can admit you need help, and are ready to get it.  This is a HUGE step.  Be proud of yourself.  It takes guts to admit this..it really does.  You'll be SO glad you did...you'll be able to get your life back.  When that happens, you will thrive in school, actually laugh because you mean it, not because you're continuing the act of "happy you".  You're worth that, you deserve FAR more than just existing.

Much love and support to you.  We're all in your corner, honey.
Helpful - 0
3808474 tn?1348238865
You need to speak with your mother regarding this! Nobody can fix what they don't know is broken.Take this seriously and let your family know that you are going through a mental breakdown! you need to be on medications as this will help the chemical imbalance in your brain..let your family know what you are going through! because at this point it is more important than school. With love they will understand fully..as parents we need what is best for our kids! and I'm sure if they knew you were hurting yourself they would be hurt! involve your loved ones in your battle! we cannot always fight self battles alone! we all need help sometimes sweetheart! and this is apart of life! CALL HOME ASAP! AND LET THE 1ST WORDS YOU SPEAK BE I NEED HELP
Helpful - 0
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