Hopeless

[SpikeVicious]

I'm 34 years old. Not on medications. Not clinical. Not living at home with my parents or anything like that. I do feel beaten though. I'm can't seem to find a job that makes me happy. It seems like everywhere I land, I end up miserable. My last job in outside sales almost killed me. Now I'm working for some 24 year old kid that doesn't know a thing about managing employees because he has no corporate experience. No benefits, which I didn't find out about until I got hired. Needed the job so I've stuck with it. Took a 10K annual paycut just to have a job. Now I can't afford to pay my bills. My credit has gone down the tubes. I'm sick of dealing with these idiot retail customers and having to work with a bunch of slacker co-workers and supervisors that are both younger than me and have no work ethic whatsoever. I'm sick of having to do their work plus my own and not getting any help to do my own stuff. But most of all, I'm so tired of being upset and feeling like every decision I've ever made has been the wrong one. Ever since my best friend committed suicide about 5 years ago, I haven't had any friends. I have a fiance but I have no best man and no groomsmen. I hate my life and my dreams have become like delusions of grandeur. I feel like I am destined to fail and be miserable. Like that's what I was put on this earth for. I can't even find happiness in the things that I should be greatful for. I sometimes wish that when I go to bed at night, that I would just stay asleep. What is happening to me and what am I to do? I'm reaching out to anyone who is reading.

[wellb]

hi SV,

I've been at work and just popped-in and saw your post (I work part-time) . Sorry this is late.

I haven't been able to read all of the previous posters' posts (sorry guys) however, I did read your original post (#1 post) placed by you, SpikeVicious.

SV (Spike Vicious) hang in there.

I sure feel your pain, as I have experienced what you are feeling right now.

I suffered through years of major depressions also, like you . I say this because I think your depression is of the "major depression" level. It's serious. JMHO.

Your sense of hopelessness is so painful to me, and your pain is felt throughout my body. I understand. Please believe me and that we do understand here , as most of us here on this Board have been through depression.

When I experienced my first Major Depression, I was just about your age, and I did not know what was happening. My boss was very caring, fortunately, and she gave me time off to get better. (I owe her my life actually).
I was lucky, although, my "sabbatical" did not pay my bills either---just like you. But.....

What I did was I told a few people that I could trust. These were people that would not label me as "crazy" & judge me. Reason I say this to you,  is because you are not "crazy".  I repeat--you are not crazy.

....You are just going through some chemical changes in your body. Severe Depression does that. This I can tell you now, because I experienced the same "changes".

If you can ask a trusted friend to drive you to either a counselor or Doctor or even a Counseling Center ,maybe near a University, that will save your life.

Please trust Doctors, even though right now you feel that you cannot trust many unknown  humans on the "outside".

Doctors can IMMEDIATELY prescribe  some "FAST ACTING" medications (anti-depressants---aka SSRIs),but since those SSRIs will take about a week to take effect, it's essential that you start on them ASAP.

You may have slight side-effects from the SSRIs, but they wont be as bad as what you're feeling now,because right now your well-being is Number ONE & you are probably feeling very lost! ....

By seeking HELP your are choosing LIFE.

Life is worth it, believe me, I've been there.

Anyhow, once the SSRI kicks in, your thoughts will seem less muddled and thus you'll be able to go to step number 2 in your wellness plan.

This is your "WELLNESS PLAN" right now.  

Step # 2 is when the SSRI allows your thoughts to be less muddled adn thus you can begin some good old fashioned "problem solving".

You sound very smart to me, and I know you can do this.

During Step number 2, you can begin to make a list of steps you can take to improve your current situation.

It's important you take it just one tiny step at a time, as to not overwhelm you.This could take weeks.


You can do this all by yourself,put on some soothing music and put the kettle on for some tea.(I love Earl Grey myself, w/ sugar and milk). :-)
I know this sounds bizarre, but a quiet ,relaxing place is essential. It will clear your thoughts &  allow you to think through the next steps.

By this time, you'll be able to think through what to do about your financial situation. Thoughts and worries about your financial situation come way AFTER the SSRI has kicked in and you've adjusted to relaxing and thinking about what to do next.

Once again.... TINY STEPS.   Seek out humans that you trust. Talk to outside humans that you trust. You can come back here and talk to us also. Somebody is normally here to listen.

WellB
  

[mammo]

Make that "Cherokee."

[mammo]

My husband has been a pilot since he was 16.  I will ask him if he knows of any programs for you.  He's also an instructor for pilots. I assume you want to be a commercial pilot?  He owned a plane with his dad, and then after college and Viet Nam (he flew helicopters) he bought his own, and has had several over they years.  I love to fly, we are airport bums on the weekends.  We have a Cherokke 6 at the moment.

[ApRiLGeTsAngry77]

I am sorry your are so disturbed by this. You have a lot of challenges right now. But the best thing for you to do is to magnify the positive. Adversity only makes you stronger! Hang in there!

[SpikeVicious]

Just wanted to apologize for sounding a bit aggro. I know you're all just offering you're thoughts and advice. Believe me, I am very thankful. I'm just frustrated and worried. My fiance has been my strength. She knows that I'm looking for my life's passion and that I feel like time is against me. She keeps my hopes up buy lately we've been hurting so bad, financially, that its taking its toll on her too. I know that where I'm working is not where I plan to stay. I want to go back to school, get my degree and somehow bring my childhood dream of becoming a pilot, to reality. I just don't know how I'm gonna do it or how I'm gonna get the money especially if I'm working where I am at now.

[SpikeVicious]

I've been asking myself what my life's meaning is for years and of course everything I've typed is negative. Would I be talking about why I'm so miserable if I was happy? The point that I'm making is that i am 34 years old. I am upset because of my position in life. I am upset because I've taken a huge pay cut just to have a job.  I can't pay my bills. My fiance and I can't afford a damn modest wedding. My credit has gone down the tubes. My life's dreams are all but a pipe dream. I have no medical benefits because the staffing company lied to me. I'm working for a freaking 24 year old kid who has openly admitted that he has no corporate experience and he's running a business. This kid has obligated me to cover the work for another employee who can't even put in one forty hour weak, which impedes with my ability to get my own work done. Does anybody care about that? Hell no! People at this place can't even show to work on time so o have to cover till they show up because even though I have to drive the farthest, I still get there fifteen minutes early. Maybe that's why I got a key to the place after only 60 days of being employed. I'm an add kicker at work and when people's stupidities get in my way, it drives me up the wall. This company has six people in it including the two owners. I'm reluctantly doing the jobs of two of them and nobody gives a damn! No pay increase, no promotions. Promote to what? Each person is their own department! I chose this job because it was in an industry that I am very familiar with and enthusiastic about but I didn't realize how raw and disorganized this company was until I immersed myself in it. I have brought ideals that have turned into policy, ethics that became standards, software operating programs that increased profitability and when one slacker constantly misses work I have to pick it up for him. Suck it up! You're the only one that can. Do you know that I hardly ever miss a day? You know why? Because no ones gonna cover for me when I get back. I get to come back to a bunch of post it notes and messages. Find another job you say? Work this one till I get another one? Yeah that would be great if I could just take a day off or even part of a day to go to an interview. What you're not getting is that the moment I start missing work to do interviews, they're gonna know that I'm lookin for work someplace else. And its not like I might just land 2 or 3 interviews and then land a job. It's not like that out here in California. After my sales job, I went to interviews for 5 months before landing this job. I was out of work for that long. I couldn't even get unemployment because the EDD offices were so overwhelmed with applicants that people couldn't get through. As soon as my current job knows that I'm looking for something else, they're gonna start making me train my replacement. My point is that no matter what I do or where I go, I somehow get screwed and I end up becoming miserable. Key word is "becoming". After a while, you just wanna give up. You get tired and that's what I am. I'm tired of being upset, unhappy, afraid, worried, defeated, and just overall feeling like a failure.

[mammo]

You have a good relationship with your dad, it's wonderful that you've made amends. As for your friend, I lost a son and grandson, worst times of my life, you can get back on track.  Many of us have made it in life without anybody's help or support.  So what if you don't get an "atta-boy" give yourself one and keep moving forward in a positive manner.  It's about pleasing yourself not anyone else, and doing what you want to do. I see a lot of positives in your life, caring parents, a fiance', love...which a lot never or have yet to find. There are a lot of people who wake up excited about what they do for a living, but I think more who are just trying to make a living.  You make the best of what you do have.  You have to get into survival mode, and let nothing stand in your way of being happy.  You're young and are the only one who can change your life.  It's nice if your parents approve of your career choices, but you don't need that support anymore.  Don't envy what others have, make things happen in your own life.  You've got more going for you than a lot of people, work with that.  

[Paxiled]

Anyone can afford therapy.  There are community health clinics that charge by what you can afford to pay.  If that's nothing, you pay nothing.  I'm not gonna tell you these are necessarily the best therapists in the known world, but you have the kind of real issues that therapy can help.  Some of us are anxious or depressed for no known reason, and it's maddening, but you have, as you report, real issues.  When we're depressed we avoid, and I think you're avoiding therapy.  Go for it.  It can't hurt.  Now, about that job.  Two things.  Do you hate what you're doing, or just the people you work with?  I ask this because I used to manage small businesses for a long time.  Most of my employees were idealistic in the beginning, because I managed health food stores, but when that period died out and we entered the how much money do you make period we're still in, most of my employees just wanted a job.  Here's why I ask -- if you keep working the way you are, you will soon rise in the company -- very soon.  Owners love people who like to work and put something of themselves into it.  All the others will disappear, and you will have more responsibility and set more of your work habits.  That's what happens in smaller companies.  They pay less, but you get to put more of yourself into it.  It's a trade-off.  And you're engaged, so I assume you're in love.  Lots of possible blessings here.  A lot of depressed people can't find someone who will love them back; you have.  Now, in the meantime, before you get into therapy, there's something inexpensive you can try.  There's an herb called St. John's Wort that's used a lot by physicians everywhere else in the world but here; here it's only used in the natural medicine world.  It's not expensive, you take it twice a day.  You can get it a your local health food store.  Buy the one that's standardized for hyperflorins, not just hypericin.  You can also take an herb called passionflower in tincture form; it's also inexpensive.  You can take this two or three times a day.  This might help your mood until you can get that therapy going.  If it doesn't help with a couple of weeks, pm me and we can go from there.  

[ApRiLGeTsAngry77]

I ditto most of what was said above. The  most important thing that you can realize is that happiness comes from within. So, you hate your job. Reread what you typed. It was all negative. Find a positive with the work you do. Pretend you enjoy it. In the meantime, take the necessary steps to obtain a job that you would enjoy more.

A big part of depression is not knowing what your life meaning is. Have you thought about what your meaning in life is? Once you understand your life meaning, you become more optimistic and make the most of the worst situations.

[SpikeVicious]

The demons of my past don't scream at me as loudly as they used to. My dad and I actually have a really good relationship today and he has expressed his sorrow for saying that and for the fights we used to get into, on numerous occasions. I had forgiven him for saying that years ago. But I can't let go of where that situation took me. I had started going to community college right out of high school but decided to smoke pot on the way to class. Eventually I just stopped going. About eight years ago, I started going back. I was doing very well. I had a thirst for knowledge and I looked forward to every class. This was something that I never had nor even desired while in high school or even right out of high school. Then my friend died and I derailed permanently. Now here I am at age 34 and I finally know what it is that I wanna do with my life and just as it was when I was in high school, so shall it be today. My parents telling me to get my head out of the clouds and study to be something practical. I never even asked them for money. But I can't even get a little support. I take a look at the people that I've known who have done something with their lives. They had walked down the same road as me but when they snapped out of it, their parents paid for their education so that they could do what they've always dreamed of. I don't even get an "atta boy" never mind some help for school. There are people in this world that wake up in the morning and they can't wait to get work and everyday is a treasure to them. I would give anything to feel like that.

[mammo]

I hate bullies, they make themselves feel better by bullying others, which indicates they have a serious emotional problem.  They never outgrow this, but go on to be bullies as adults, it somehow feeds their egos, as this is all they seem to have.  When someone endures this type of bullying it can stay with you for a long time, making you unhappy and angry. You need to decide if this still bothers you, because if it does, you are still their victim.  You cannot allow them to define who or what you are or will become. You need to accept their ignorance, lay down the anger and walk away.  Their day will come.  That was admirable of you to leave school for your sister.  What your father said was wrong, but I doubt he meant it.  Things can be said in anger but the words are hurtful and can never be taken back. It's most hurtful when one of our parents says or does something like this.  It was made clear to me for the first 18 years of my life that my parents wished I had never been born. I left home and never looked back.  I know the pain of this.  But again, you have got to let what he said to you go, decide to not be a victim of his any longer, this anger is eating you up inside like a cancer. It's over, you can't change it, but you can change yourself.  I think with what happened with your dad sent you down  a dark road, and you are very lucky to still be alive.  It doesn't matter what you did in the past, it's over, and you can't change it.  Everyone makes bad choices in life, it's only human.  You need to let go and leave it where it is, in the past, over and done with. I think what that coroner said to you was wrong and out of line, she must have thought you to be a psychiatrist to know this about your friend!  She sounds like she was dealing with her own demons and felt the need to lash out at you.  Her problem not yours, but I know it had to hurt you immensely. You could not have prevented his death, this happens even with people in the care of professionals, what could you have done? I do not take what you endured lightly and know that my words are just that, words, easier said than done.  But I had to learn to do this for survival, and if I can, you can.  It's accepting that you had no control over some of it, not your fault. The bad choices you made..so what?  You lived to tell about it, but it's the past leave it there.  As for your dad, I don't know enough to really say what he felt, but sometimes it's family that can hurt us the most.  This is very difficult to deal with, but I try to reason things out.  Could it be that inside he was feeling inadequate that you had to leave private school?  That he blamed himself for what happened and was angry with himself over it all?  Then something was said or done and that anger came flying out at you?  When we are angry, we tend to take it out on those closest to us, it's not fair to them, but it happens. Keep writing, I can see why you have a lot of anger, and hopefully we can help you get over this and take your life back.  Take care.

[SpikeVicious]

I don't want to blame my unhappiness on anyone. I remember a few key points in my life where something had happened that changed me. In sixth grade I got teased by all of the kids because I didn't know what a porno was. And not by just 5 or 6 kids. I got teased by all of them. Even by those who I thought were my friends and it lasted all the way through the 8th grade. I was picked on so much that no girl would talk to me. In high school, I went to a private school and I had to transfer out because they could not afford the tuition.  My sister's GPA was a little better than mine so I volunteered to transfer out. I left all of my friends and for the first time in my life, attended a public school. I used to get beaten up by the Mexican gangbangers just because I was a white boy who could speak Spanish (half Peruvian). This came to an end when I got in good with the Samoans, who adopted me as family because I helped them make a birthday tribute video for one of the guys' mothers. I was a much nicer person back then. Even while I was taking the hits that I took. Shortly out of high school, I had gotten into an argument with my father and he had told me that he wished that I had never been born. That changed me. He hit me for the first time, that night. I didn't smoke pot or did any drugs up until that night. My deceased best friend was right there when it happened. He took my sister and I out of there and to another friend's house. He dropped me off there at my request, suitcase and all. Took my sister over to one of her friends houses and stayed with her until she calmed down. Some might say that the person that I mention next was not really my friend but he really was. He was there for me during my darkest hours. I was so hysterical that he wanted to help somehow but didn't quite no what to do. None of us had ever experienced anything like this before. So he offered me a hit of pot but on the condition that I understood that what I was about to do was my choice and mine alone. So I made my choice and the next twelve years would be filled with drugs, alcohol, parties, sex, DUIs, and ultimately, one would pay the ultimate price. Once he was gone, I was never really able to get back on track.  The deputy coroner was very detailed in her description of what happened to him. She told me that the investigation had revealed the tell tale signs of a paranoid schitzophrenic. I told her that he was my best friend. She said that if I was really his best friend, then I would've known that there was something wrong with him. I think you know how that made me feel.

[mammo]

Stay with us, talk to us because I guarantee you that we've been where you are, and that's why we're here.  We share our experiences, our fears, our success stories, we just talk and support everyone who comes here.  I truly feel you can gain from talking to others on here. Have you looked around your area for a clinic where you can get either free help or help at a lower cost? Unless someone has been thru this, they have no way of knowing just how bad it can be, it's not their fault, they just don't know.  There are usually support groups for this, so look for these also. What do you hate about your life?  I know you're not happy with your job, but you're working on changing that, it's all you can do for now with that.  Your fiance' obviously found an awful lot of good in you, this should count for something.  As for not having any friends, it's not about the quantity, but the quality of your friends you do have. You lost your best friend, and it may be your anger over this is making you not want people to get close to you, you may not even realize this, but they may.  Maybe you're afraid of losing another friend, so you hold everyone at arms length?  If you were angry before this, think back and try to remember anything else that may have hurt you, even as a little boy.  I can't help but feel the anger is the result of something very traumatic that happened in your life.  This is just the opinion of a fellow sufferer, but maybe by just talking and thinking about all of this, we may hit on something.  Please stay with us, as others will jump on here to offer support and advice, will listen, understand and truly care. Keep posting what you are feeling, just keep writing, we're here for you.

[SpikeVicious]

Thank you mammo. Your kindness is priceless and very much appreciated. You are right about needing to talk to someone but I honestly don't know where to go. No one seems to understand what I'm going through. They say that they do but they really don't. They say that they've been there but they don't know how it's affecting me. I feel like I've been running through the darkness for years but I just can't seem to find the light. Sooner or later you just start coming to accept that the light simply isn't there. I came across this forum for the first time today because I had googled the phrase "I hate my life". I'm thankful for your comfort and your support but I feel like I am falling without a parachute and I just don't know what to do. I don't know anything about these forums and I've never done anything like this before. I don't know what to say or who to say it to. I'm not suicidal yet. I know that because I was there once before a very long time ago but I am very afraid. Sometimes I wish that I was stupid enough to be ignorant of how much trouble I am really in. Sure doesn't seem like the intelligence that everyone credits me for has ever brought me anything good.

[mammo]

Sorry, you were mislead by the agency.  Sounds like all they wanted was to place you, and get paid, not caring about what you wanted, that's pathetic.  I can understand your anger with that.  I watched my son go thru this exact same thing when we lost his brother.  He never really mourned his loss and it was showing up as anger towards everyone and everything.  But your anger may be coming from something long ago, and only a therapist can help you with this.  Getting to the root of your anger will totally change your life.  Things happen to us, and espcially at a young age we tend to tuck it neatly away to not have to deal with it, thinking it's gone.  But when we do this, these things we have not dealt with do return and with a vengeance.  They manifests themselves in anger, depression, and/or anxiety.  A lot of us are going without insurance right now, so I understand that you cannot affford therapy.  But you need to start talking to someone, even if just on here.  We have all experienced so much, and can be your support system, and sometimes by just talking to others, you feel better.  Keep looking forward, not back.  Try to get and keep a positive attitude, and don't allow past mistakes define who you are in a negative way.  Let them define you in being wiser for learning from the experience.  It does sound like you're over-qualified for the job, maybe someone will see all your efforts and promote you.  Sounds like they could use some good management there! Good luck with this, and if you ever want to pm me to talk about all this, please do.  Take care.

[SpikeVicious]

Thank you for your comment. It is nice to get some feedback from someone who doesn't know me. You're right about the anger. You're also right about the how I feel about my friends death. I think that his death is part of the problem but not all of it. To tell you the truth, I really can't remember the last time that I had truly felt happy with my life and my position in it. Professional help? That would be great id I could afford it. Asking about benefits before being hired? Yes I had asked that question to the staffing agency that offered me the job. I hadn't asked the guys that I was interviewing with that question because I was already under the impression that benefits were available. Now, because of the paycut, I can't even afford them. Choosing to do other peoples work for them? This company consists of 6 people. Two of them are CSRs and I am one of them. The other one can't even put in a 40 hour week so from my 24 year old boss' mouth, I have to cover for him because I'm the only one that can. I kind of regard this company as a company that is too young for someone like me. I have a lot to offer them but they have nothing but a paycheck to offer me, and a weak one at that. I have exceeded everyone's expectations just as I had promised that I would but now I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I am actively searching for another job but jobs are scarce right now. I'm just trying to figure out how to get a handle on things so that I can keep walkin that line. Thank you for your advice though. I will take it.

[mammo]

I think it would be a good idea for you to get into therapy to find out why happiness is so fleeting for you.  It may be that you are looking for something like a job to make you happy when happiness lies within yourself.  If you don't have this, you need to find out why. Don't get me wrong, you need to be happy at what you do, but many aren't, they do what needs to be done to pay the bills.  As for your new job, you're old enough to know to ask about benefits before accepting a job if the company didn't explain them to you.  You're interviewing them just as they are you.  This is how you determine if a job will be a good fit  for you and offer what benefits you want and need in a job. It's very difficult to find a job in this economy, so having one is a blessing.  But there's no reason you can't be looking for something that pays more and offers benefits while you work this one.  You appear to have a lot of anger, and this needs to be addressed.  You don't have to do your co-workers jobs, you are choosing to do this. So, you can't really blame them.  Everyone is struggling financially right now, it's a difficult time, and you can only do your best. I think your best friend's death has affected you more than you know, and you need to speak to a professional about this.  We all make poor decisions in life, but you have to learn from them, and move forward with a positive attitude.  Your life will become what you "think" it is.  You're very angry at everyone, and there is a reason why and you need to get to the root of this anger and deal with it.  This will take speaking with a psychiatrist and having therapy, and/or medication.  You need not be so unhappy, and feel like you can't do anything right.  You've had many successes but are dwelling on the negatives.  This is common in depression.  You have found the love of your life, you should and deserve to be happy.  Decide today that you are taking your life back.  See a professional and go from there.  Nobody is put on this earth to fail, we have choices and sometimes we don't choose wisely, everyone's been there, done that.  But you can't let poor decisions affect your opinion of yourself, you just can't.  Try to take something positive away from it all, life is a great teacher.  Once you start addressing your anger and feelings of hopelessness you will start to feel better.  I'm not a doctor but it sounds like depression to me, and there is so much help for you.  You must do what is needed to be happy again, and to make be a wonderful husband for your fiance'.  So what if you don't have a best man, it's truly not a big deal.  Go with what you do have, it will all be okay.  Please get professional help like so many of us here have done, and get your life back!  We've been, and some still are where you are right now, so know you're not alone, there is much hope for you.  Don't give up on your dreams, fight for them instead.  Good luck to you and take care.