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3189527 tn?1346667221

SOS I can't love myself, so depressed

Hello again,
For the ones who don't know me I'm suffering from depression and anxiety since childhood. I'm again in therapy since 3 years with medication on top. I've a good job. A husband and a 5 Y old son.
The main and unchanged problem is that I can't love myself. When I'm just thinking of this I'm ambrassed and it's funny for me. With this hate for myself I never beleive somebody can love me. So I feel always very lonely...
Do you have a way, key that might help me to love myself???
Thank you!
18 Responses
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I too have bad dreams 3 or 4 times a week, it shocks me how real they seem and i'm put off for a few minutes, to hours, to days afterwards. But it's not real, and i try to laugh at them for being ridiculous. I put it off to watching too many moves, and my mind starting to think like a director making a movie. They don't affect me as bad, now, by using that analogy. You're in my prayers.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
Mindfullness Meditation comes to mind. Slowing down and being grateful for each moment that you and your son (and husband) spend together. Changing negative thought patterns to positive ones, using gratitude.

I am grateful to be my son's mother. He's so beautiful. He would like it if I.....and i can't wait to see his face when i do this...... and i'm going to change the regular pattern by bringing him to swimming lessons,...... and i'm going to help him to become more outgoing by teaching him to read outloud.. and so on and so forth.....

You've got this Mom, you can do this, and may I say , that you and your son are just beautiful, gorgeous and deserving of your best lives, together. I hope we hear from you ........
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
You've mentioned that you're not a good mother. You CAN change that you know, if you tell yourself that it's your first priority. If you treat your child the way you wished that you were treated. If you get up tomorrow morning, and are fully present for your son's needs. Concentrate on going in and getting his clothes ready for the day, be grateful for the clothes that he has, send him a smile (let him know you are trying). Make him a hot breakfast, be grateful that you have food to feed him, and give him a smile and a wink. Tell him you want him to have a great breakfast so he can have a great day. Make sure you pack a nice treat in his lunch, and be grateful you have a job and can provide for him. Tell him to have a nice day and to be a good friend (open up the possibility). IN SHORT< TRY TO BE A GOOD MOTHER TO YOUR SON. This will give you the pride in yourself that you are missing. This will give you the love for yourself, now, that you are missing. Do the same things when you pick him up, and for dinner and snack and play and bed. BE THERE FOR HIM, and your problems will slowly melt away. Your husband will see that you are trying to be a good mother, and he will appreciate it, given enough time. PROMISE YOURSELF YOU WILL NOT BE SELFISH WITH YOUR SON. And things will turn around for you. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. People do this everyday. Adults put a smile on their face every morning, for their kids, and every hour in between. You CAN do this, and it will make a huge difference in the way you feel about yourself. I'm NOT saying, wait until you feel better about yourself, I'm telling you that by doing this, every day, you will start to feel better about yourself. Make a commitment to yourself to be a good mother, and do so. All it takes to to treat your son the way that you would like to be treated, if you were a child. Make sure that you read to him, everyday, twice a day. Make sure that you engage him, when you're reading to him. Escape from the past, by creating a time, NOW, that is right and just. Just....be. Please just be a good mom, now. Don't do to that little boy what your sick mother did to you. All it takes is to not be selfish, not be totally self absorbed and to think only of someone else. It will FREE YOU from your bad thoughts, for a while anyways, right? What have you got to lose? I will pray for you.

I grew up with abuse, and the one thing that was missing was any spirituality. You may be suffering from a lack of spirituality in your own life. Ie. treat others as you would want to be treated. Maybe you need to start to read the bible or any other spiritual material. It sure couldn't hurt. It would take your mind off of your past, and you would be doing something for your family now.  You need to get out of yourself and your past. You need to live in the moment. That's the trick. Live each moment like you want to be remembered by, as a kind gentle loving spiritual woman. JUST DO IT.  It doesn't cost anything to be kind, try being kind to your son, and you'll see him open up to you and others. I think you need to really try to do what your therapist is telling you to do, for your family and stop thinking about the past. The past is over, and the future isn't here yet, you only have to deal with the moment, so talk yourself into being grateful, and put a smile on your face, to make your family feel better about their day. All I can tell you is this, abused children grow up to be very selfish, and into self harm. It's very easy to stop. Just "act" differently, soon it will become a habit. You deserve a good life, and so does your son, and your husband. Do your part and by that, you will find love for yourself, as well as love from your family. It's no too late to make a change, in your son's life. Please, do what you know you should be doing, and talk to other mother's that are doing the same thing on Medhelp. You won't be alone, if you only TRY TRY TRY please, to make a difference.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Go to you tube and watch Louise Hay

Start looking in the mirror three times a day every day and say "I love you"

After a while you will start to believe it!

You are enough, you are all you need, you deserve to love yourself
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm not sure if we have that med here in the states. It could be under a different name though. Did the medication help and did you do well on it, other than the weight gain?
It's really common to have bad dreams if you're depressed and anxious. Maybe this new med will help you sleep well again. I really hope so.
Helpful - 0
3189527 tn?1346667221
I have very disturbing dreams. not every day but at least 2-3 a week. Also I don't feel safe and peace. even when I'm going to bed. It was the most good time in the past. TO SLEEP. but now this is also broken :(((
Helpful - 0
3189527 tn?1346667221
we added Serdolect 4 mg once a day. I didn't like the idea since my weight might go up and I lived with this in the past once, it was not a nice time :(
but he hopes that it'll give me peace (???)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It can take a long time but it is so worth it. Hang in there, okay. You've felt this way most of your life so it's going to take awhile to get it all worked out. You can do this, I know you can. You are a beautiful, intelligent young woman who has her whole life ahead of her. You also have a young son that I know you love.
No, I won't leave you alone. I'm here at this site most everyday and have been for almost 5 years.
Can you say what new meds the Dr wants to put you on?
Helpful - 0
3189527 tn?1346667221
Yes we did alot. but this is the basic problem I think and all my personality is surrounded with this so it's very hard to free myself from this feeling. maybe also to let it go?
My doc. told me to be patient that this is a long way as well. but I'm so tired... I just want to stop everything most of the time.
Now he wants to add some other meds. he told me that this might give me some peace...

I thank you all for your words... please don't let me alone....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm so sorry you feel like this. Do you think you're getting anywhere at all with your counselor? How long have you been in counseling? It can be a long process. And, you have to talk about things you would rather not talk about.
Helpful - 0
3189527 tn?1346667221
Thank you dears, i appriciate it so much...
When I look inside I can't see anything to love. Maybe I even don't know how to eveluate or just not able to love. More and more i hate myself. I was 10 Y old when i tried the first time to kill myself. I wish i had finish it at that time.....
Sometimes i feel at least notral about myself. But in a very short time the feeling of hate comes so strong that i can hardly stay alive. I just want to run out of myself which is never possible so i take more meds and try to sleep and not to dream or wake up again.....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have this issue as well. I'm sorry, your story breaks my heart. It also saddens me to hear that your husband is so judgemental about your past relationship. He should accept you for who you are, even if he doesn't agree with it he shouldn't make you feel bad about it. I don't know what kind of advice to give you, but I hope things get better for you. Really.
Helpful - 0
4190741 tn?1370177832
Dear Muguette

Your family sounds very normal to me, I can relate to nearly everything
you wrote about.  Sometimes in a family like ours, where the children were not loved, not cherished, not taken care of, the children grow up to think they don't deserve to feel good about themselves because Mother says....

The Mother is our first relationship, in her we see all that we think is available in the universe, but it is important to remember that Mother is only one persons opinion of you and in growing up you must learn to trust your own opinion of yourself....If you begin to honestly love something about yourself, you are not hurting your mother...

It also seems that you picked a husband to talk to you like your mother talked to you and that will take time and great strength to change if you
are to have a successful recovery....

Please know that we care very much about you and would love to hear from you as you continue on your journey...

M
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I see. Well, I'm not surprised to hear your story. Remember I said that children pick up on everything? If you and your husband are having problems them your son is effected by this. It does not make you a bad mother.
We go to what we know in life. If that makes sense. Your mother was not good to you. It was all you knew and all you know now. So, you married a man that is not very good to you. That cycle can be broken though. Would your husband be willing to get in to marriage counseling?
Helpful - 0
3189527 tn?1346667221
No Im not a good mother, ı'm sure ı harmed him already. He's so silend in other relationships. He does nor like to play with boys. He does say nothing he want o need in school. He sometimes cries and talks tı himself what should ı do now ım so unhappy outsıde the room. A few times he completely stoped to talk and told me the other day he couldn't :(
Im not a good wife also. My husband say so many things what ım making wrong or not good enough or not what public wants from a woman. Im half german living in turkey having a mixed culture and ım different ım also bisexual and had a relationship with a woman before my husband so he always is picky on this topic. He dont trust me at all. I dont make him happy
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
No, this is not a normal family life at all. No wonder you're having trouble loving yourself with what your mom said. The way she felt is not your fault, I hope you realize that. Even if she would have had a boy she would most likely still have stayed depressed. I bet her issues ran much deeper than not having a boy.
I find this so sad. I have a daughter, she is our only child. She is everything to us and we could not love her more. She's grown now but will always be my baby girl.
I know how depression can effect children. I have had depression most of my life too. Even though I tried my best to be a great mother my depression did effect my daughter. Children pick up on everything that's wrong.
I think you need to work on forgiveness towards your mother. I'm sure you're asking why and how can I. Trust me, it will help YOU. Make a list of everything good about yourself. I bet you're a good mother are'nt you? Give yourself credit for that. I also bet you're a good wife. Give yourself credit for that too.
We can't change our pasts but we can sure work on our futures.
Helpful - 0
3189527 tn?1346667221
We work on this with my therapist but it seems I dont improve....
My mother had depression after my birth and she told me when I was a child that she went to a doc telling him that she hates me. She was dissapointed that I was not a boy, that I was not sleeping, that I was not pretty enough, basicly not a baby like in TV. My mother was mostly depressed in her life and we had no healthy relationship.
My father was a man who didnt talk about feelings, always working like crazy and expected always very much from us (me and my sisters). All the time we could be better.
But anyhow alot of people did had such families.... Right?
I just cant find anything inside me that I can love... I dream just to die away....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You need to find out why you don't love yourself. Is this something you're working on in therapy?
Helpful - 0
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