Simple...but Please Help

[5nuts]

I am 43 years old, three children of my own and two children living with my boyfriend and I from his former marriage.
My daughter of 3 has LCH and is going through chemotherapy.

Look, I can go on and on about my difficult life...abuse, bad marriage, etc, etc.   BUT.. here is the problem...I was taking Paxil for about 12 years for depresion, worked most of the time, then the effectiveness wore off.  Physician started trying new things, nothing worked.

Packed up my three kids after a second relationship gone wrong, sold everything and started over.   Made it work, damned hard everyday, but I do it.

So here is the deal....overwhelming depression made me go back to doctor,  Paxil, Wellbutrin, etc. did not work.  Doc gave me Zoloft...little better, not much.

He also gave me Xanax 20 milligrams...it helps the bad times, but he warned me not to take to much as it can be addictive.  However, help me, it's the only thing that seems to help the extremely harsh anxiety attacks.

When he heard I take one 20 milligram every six hours and it makes me "normal"  he wanted to take it away....I am not a addict....I am just so overwhelmed by these attacks....I don't know what else to do.  

I wake up with a great attitude, but within one to two hours, I am so overwhelmed by bills, 5 kids, a realationship, I become so angry, so hateful, I am screaming, cursing, and mean....I hate mysef.

There are days I am so "high" I can do anything, the house is perfect, I have ideas I can make money, save the day !
But within, sometimes a day or two, sometimes hours...I fall back into deep despair.

I adore my kids....I love my kids....I HATE they not only see my this way...but they have to deal with my anger on a daily basis...


DEAR GOD SOMEONE HELP ME..........IT CAN NOT GO ON THIS WAY

[mammo]

Please seek help from a different doctor.  If you are getting "high" then you are taking too much medication.  You and your children deserve a better life, and it is not fair for your children to have to endure this anger.  You need to be in therapy to help you overcome your anger, and feelings of being overwhelmed.  Don't worry about your house being perfect, it will be there for a long time, but your children will grow up and start living their own lives.  I was a single mother of 3, and know what you have to deal with every day. Now they are grown (one deceased) my house stays clean, I can sleep all I want, and let me tell you "it's not all it's cracked up to be!"  This will be one less thing to worry about.  Anger only hurts you, and will eat you up inside.  You need to "let go" of what is making you angry, not easy to do, but you can and must do this.  Change what you can, and accept what you cannot change.  Panic attacks can be over-whelming and debilatating, a good doctor will know what to give you to stop these and the depression, a psychiatrist is your best choice here.  GP's are reserved and not as knowledgeable as a psychiatrist, and are fearful of what, how much, how long, etc when it comes to these types of drugs.  Please do yourself and children a favor and find a psychiatrist, and get help.  A good, happy life is waiting for all of you, so don't put this off any longer.  I wish you luck, and I know you will over-come this.

[pearlymae]

You need a better prescribing Dr.You have to go to a good one,one that knows his stuff.
It sounds as if your moods are extremely unstable and you may need a mood stabilizer together with an anti-depressant.