First, I'm sorry if this is all over the place. I'm having a difficult time organizing my thoughts and processing them through writing. I'm just going to begin by describing myself: I'm a 22 year old woman with a history of anxiety and depression. I have been taking Celexa for about 10 years and initially I was prescribed primarily for anxiety. Recently, I haven't had deliberating anxiety, so I'm thankful for that. Anyways, I also am prescribed to 40mg of Adderall (that I obviously take as soon as I get up) and 150mg of Trazodone as a sleep aid. Without Adderall, I cannot do anything other than lay in bed because I am so exhausted, both mentally and physically. Even with Adderall and a good night of rest, I feel that I'm almost always tired. I completed an intensive outpatient program about 3 years ago primarily to deal with my anxiety issues.I have a past of alcohol abuse, but now I rarely drink and when I do, it's usually not very much. I have used "hard" drugs, but it was in high school. I smoke weed, but haven't in about a month. One more thing to add, my memory has recently been horrible. Both long-term and short-term memory.
I'm posting this question to hopefully get an explanation or any advice from anyone who has experienced anything similar to what I'm going through.
First, I probably should mention that I was really depressed, angry, and irritated this past week/weekend, so I took a couple Oxycodones on Thursday and one Friday evening. They were 10mg. I know this isn't right, but I clearly was not thinking. The worst part about this and my history with drugs is that I absolutely love getting drunk/high or whatever you want to call it, and isolating myself from everyone and everything.
I hit lows about once a week, but this current low feels different, at least I think. Usually when I feel like this, I'm typically able to attribute it to something else that's going on in my life, but this time I've come to the realization that it's due to nothing more than mental illness. This morning I arrived to work and had absolutely no motivation to do anything. Let me add that I have a great job in a corporate office of a large and well known company. I take my job very seriously, so even when I go to work feeling unmotivated, I always accomplish whatever it is that I'm working on. Around lunch time, I was able to determine that I wasn't just unmotivated, but also depressed. My body was sore and aching all day too, which almost always accompanies my depression.
Right now I just feel so confused. I don't feel like I'm cut out for the real world. I feel like I've tricked myself and others around me that I'm much better than who I really am. I'm well respected at work, and I feel like I manipulated everyone into believing that I'm much smarter and reliable than I really am. I feel like I belong working in a less important company/job. Better yet, I feel like I belong sleeping all day and being a low life who doesn't do anything. I feel like that is the life I'm supposed to be living. I often think that if I was doing absolutely nothing with my life and not including myself in society, I would not be depressed (if only I could accept myself into that lifestyle). There are very few people that know me for me. I feel like I fake something that I'm not, but it's not even to get people to like/accept me. It's almost like I'm trying to prove something to myself. I have never dated someone long enough for them to get to know the real me because I act so fake in the very beginning. Also, I feel like I don't even know who I am or what I like. When someone asks me about my interests or hobbies, the only thing that comes to my mind is sleeping. Of course, I just make something up when this question is brought up.
I have a very close relationship with my mom, but she makes my depression so much worse. Don't get me wrong, my mom is an amazing woman who has done so much for me. She would do anything for me and has been my number one supporter since I was a child. It bothers me that she reacts so much on her emotions. She does not use logical reasoning for any decisions she makes. I feel like she's so irrational sometimes and it really makes me upset that she's this way. If anyone has any explanation or even a simple idea, please let me know. I feel so guilty to say this about my mom, because she has given me everything and is constantly there for me. I usually talk to her about my depression, but she is going through a lot right now and sort of ignores me when I try to explain things to her.
I don't understand how I'm going to go through life feeling like this. As I perviously stated, I get pretty low quite often. I just don't understand how someone can be successful when dealing with these lows.
Once again, sorry if some of this doesn't make sense. I just rambled a lot of my thoughts. If anyone can relate to this or has anything to say, please do. I honestly don't even know what "answer" I'm looking for.
Thank you very much.