I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I'm popular, good-looking, social girl and about to finish university. I've always had good grades. And I have a close social circle. However, I've had extreme suicide ideation growing up and, rather than going away, it's now getting to the point where I am constantly searching up ways to kill myself online. And I'm now at this point where I'm constantly thinking of hanging myself. It literally doesn't go away except when I'm at a social event intoxicated. Despite having a number of people interested me, I'm both terrified in pursuing relationships and keeping them when I have one. I rarely go on dates. I'm constantly scared I'll disappoint people. I have really bad anxiety and lately, it seems my heart's always racing and I'm on the verge of having panic attacks even in public places. People consider me very social, extroverted but it's honestly an effort keeping that vibe going lately. I don't do drugs (lol) and this has nothing to do what that. I really need help. There is a part of me that really doesn't want to die but I'm afraid I'm losing out.