Avatar universal

The brink of madness

Hi, i have decided to post in this forum just to get some feedback and as a way to get my thoughts written down.
I am currently going through some kind of mental episode and i dont know what it is.
I have had bouts of depression and anxiety since i was a teen and it is usually associated with my lack of ambition and being able to see light at the end of the tunnel. Ive never really held down a job havent got a degree or anything so thinkin about the future just seems depressing to me. But over the last year depression and anxiety has turned into full blown madness. I quit my job last year because i suddenly hit a spell of depression, anxiety/paranoia/confusion about the world around me and existence in general. I didnt get help or even tell anyone and was strong enough to regain my sanity, but last 2months i have been feeling dpressed again with spells of confusion. Then last weekend i quickly started to deteriate into dpression, anxiety/paranoia/confusion with the added pleasure of panic attacks and walking around in some confused derealised state. Ive pretty much been in bed all week and have spoken to my mum dad and auntie who used to be a councellor and tried to stop myself going completely insane. I had an appointment booked with a doc but cancelled as me and my dad talked and he felt that i would be given pills as it would be a slippery slope. But i do feel very very confused maybe years of frustration have taken there toll or maybe i have some form of brain disease. I also have this pressure in the core of my brain almost like its being grabbed constantly and constant headches.
Last couple of days i have felt glimpses of normality but feel a bit more hyper so my mind is racing and then i have panic attacks again.

I would like to know if anyone has felt these symtoms and if im:

1. Very depressed
2. Having a breakdown
3. Have some early form of brain disease like dementia
4. some form of psychosis
5. extreme anxiety

Also dont know if it makes sense but both of these episodes i have had have come almost exactly a year after each other and both times i had been working out and upping protein in my diet with shakes etc i have read some reports of too much protein in the diet effecting the brain maybe i react badly to these things or too much protein might make an already depressed person worse or maybe its just a coincidence. Interesting if anyones heard of this.

Sorry about the essay but i would appreciate any feedback also i dont feel at all suicidal so dont feel like you have to be nice i find some people you talk to about mental illness patronising as they always think if they say the wrong thing youll go and do somehting stupid (which is fair enough). I would much appreciate some facts from anyones whos been through a similar crises.

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Avatar universal
Hi Mac,

So your aunt and uncle are afraid that seeing a doc may lead to a slippery slope huh?

Sorry but that is extreme ignorance speaking as they do not know what you are feeling and I have to agree with all others in that you MUST see a doc.

You are way past worrying about whether meds may be a slippery slope, you've already climbed the ladder, grabbed a mat and headed downhill without them mate.

Pills though do not cure depression. They relieve symptoms and that's what you need when you get this way. In fact I'd suggest that the severity you describe would mean a long term commitment to meds to give your mind and body enough time to recover from what you've felt.

Therapy is useless when you feel like you do, you can't think rationally and all you can see is a future of failure and misery. Don't do therapy until meds have raised your mood. Then go for it with therapy to try and find causes, reasons and hopefully identify things that can be fixed or resolved. Often just digging out some poison thoughts we have hidden forever disipates the problem. They are not so scary once you reveal and talk about them.

As to madness and insanity? No such thing, you will be driven to desperation and deep misery and life threatening thoughts but you won't go mad, it's not real, madness.

The mad people in this life are actually those that plod through with nary a bump, just doing the minimum and floating through life with little connection. They work till they are 65, retire and die shortly after. All without any real life. That's the madness, living for money and "thing" rather than yourself.

So what do you need to do?

. Get over this thought you don't need meds. You do.
. Come down off the pedestal you have put yourself on in regard to being able to deal with this illness alone. You can't. Actually we've all done this and failed too so don't take it personally, jsut do it. In other words admit you need help and seek it. Medical help.
. Forget the fad food stuff, irrelevant in a deep depression. Protein shakes and deep depression? Don't make me laugh, it's rubbish.
. The coincidnece of 1 year apart can have many possibil;ities. One is that you are seasonally affected. SAD is one defined depression which is dependant on the time of year. Anniversaries of major traumas can also trigger downslides. Such as loss of loved ones etc. The 1 year gap is irrelevant except it coincides with the seasons and the dates of any trauma from the past.

You talk about changing moods and being more hyper. This could be signs of bi polar and you should investigate it. One reason I say this is you state you were in the pits and recovered by yourself. Sorry but that doesn't happen if you are really down. Unless you are BP where moods can just turn and go up. And in time, down too. But what you describe is indicative of BP so


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Avatar universal

Yeah i was upping my protein through food and shakes morning and after workouts everyday. My diets generally balanced though. I have since read up on couple of online forums bout some people who are prone to anxiety and depression getting worsening symtoms through protein shakes. Very rare and would never be taken seriously. If you ask me though it kinda makes sense that consuming alot of amino acids that are quickly absorbed into your system regularly cud have an affect on senesitive individuals. I have stopped taking protein now for over a week and i am feeling slightly more normal but i am getting help and have many other issues to sort regarding my symptoms so may be a coincidence. I did mention it to my doc but she quickly dismissed that as not an issue but all i know is i wont be taking muscle building supps again.
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Avatar universal
Did you use protein powder in the shakes? If so, I wouldn't use that again. That could have caused the flare up as you mentioned. Protein is good, but get it from natural food. It is better to get your nutrients from food, instead of supplements like that. How is your diet?
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Avatar universal
The actual word used to describe Major depression does not do it justice.
I always thought it should have a completly different medical term because Major depression is so much more than just being depressed.

The symptoms are absolutly devistating. When I was at my worst my symptoms were too many to count. This included a strong feeling of dis-attachment or feeling of strange un-connectedness. It felt like my head was floating, but at the same time my body and head felt heavy like a magnet was sucking me to the ground.

The pain you mention in your head.... I had it also. It was a strong mental pain that felt like the pit of my brain was on fire. It felt like my skull was going to open up and vomit on the floor. I mean it physically felt that way. That's when you know the Depression is severe and needs treatment.

For me the symptoms got so bad that I became completly non-fuctional. I could not even hold a simple thought in my head long enough to be productive.

Eventually I fell into a place so dark that I tried to kill myself.

Depression? Ha Ha, I laugh at that word. It is so much more than just being depressed.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for all responses i want you to know that your making a screwed up head slightly less screwed up. each comment has made me understand what im going through a little clearer and in turn made me feel slightly more 'normal'. Its funny how i used to think being down in the dumps about life and apathetic was depression. i think theres depression the mood problem and depression the mental illness two very different things.

Hope you are all doing well, your comments are making a difference.

thanks, mac23
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Avatar universal
Your welcome. So many of us here at MH do understand what your going through because we've been there too. Thank goodness for the internet! You received some great advise. Your next step really shoud be to go see your Dr. about this. We're here if you need us. Take care. Remar
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Avatar universal
Been there, done that, still there, wrote the book.

What you are describing is text book severe depression and anxiety dissorder.
It won't make you go insane, but it will make you feel as if your going insane.

Everything you described are my exact symptoms to the tee.
What I do know for sure is that unless you get on the right combination of meds, it simply will not ever go away.

Once depression reaches that level of severity it can not be reasoned with and simply will not stop EVER, unless you start visiting a good Psychiatrist that can get you on the right combination of medications.

Trust me, you do not have some undiagnosed brain disease or tumor. I will say that severe depression can make it feel like you have a brain disease or tumor. It hurts like hell and it makes your head feel like it's being smashed in a vice.

You can feel better, but not without proper medication. It's just as simple as that.
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Avatar universal
I agree with the other posters... you need to see a doctor. I've been through almost everything you describe (expect the paranoia), and medication and therapy has given me my life back. Only a qualified doctor can diagnose you, but you have classic symptoms of severe major depression and panic / anxiety disorder. You are not going insane - through it might certainly feel like it. You are in control, and you need to take control of your illness. Depression and anxiety can both cause feelings of unreality and depersonalization. And severe depression can have psychotic-like symptoms: like paranoia. Luckily, depression and anxiety are both highly treatable. Do not be afraid of medication. You can talk to your doctor about any concerns you have about them. However, medication is not a cure-all. It will just give you stability so that you can work on the root of your problems in therapy. Feel free to email me with any questions... I've been through this several times before.

Best of luck...
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Avatar universal
You definitely need to see your doc.  There is no reason for you to have to go through this, when there is help out there.  There are a lot of us out here who take meds for such symptoms, and if it improves your quality of life, then why not?  I agree with mac23, nothing to be embarrased about, and it may just be a chemical inbalance, which has nothing to do with what is going on in your life.  I wouldn't put off seeing your doctor, as you've been going thru this for a long time, and your symptoms are serious.  You don't have to do this alone.
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Avatar universal

Hi remar,
Thanks for the quick response helps to know others have had similar symptoms although ide be happier if no one ever felt them. Feeling quite anxious right now only just got myself outta bed (lunchtime UK). Managing to keep head straight by trying not to think too much but still moving between panicky feelings and normality. Feel like ive maybe been through the worst of it earlier in the week and just about got through it so ile stick it out to next week and if these feelings continue then ile think ile take your advise and go see the doc.

Appreciate your help good to know there are people like yourself around to communicate with (one of the benefits of the internet), you are a good person. Hope your doing well yourself.
Thanks, mac23
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Avatar universal
Hi Mac. I understand what your going through. I've dealt with anxiety and depression for many years.
Why don't you go ahead and see a Dr. ? What could it hurt. It may help a great deal.
I don't know about taking too much protien, hopefully some of the other members here can help with that question.
I really hope you see a Dr. because there are meds to help with the anxiety and depression. It does not mean you a weak person if you take meds. I fought it for a long time and they have helped me, especially with my anxiety.
I'm hear to talk with you. Take care. Remar
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