What do I do

[gri21]

Hello. I don't usually do this, but right now I would like to hear someone else's opinion about this kind of thing. Any responses are much appreciated.
I've had recurring episodes of sadness and general emptiness throughout my life, since I was about 12, when two of my loved relatives died of cancer, and I switched my place of residence and school.
I've been having great difficulties in dealing with people since forever (my parents thought I was autistic and were kind of ashamed of me). I always thought it would go away as I grow older, but it seems to get deeper. When "provoked" I simply lock up, I can't react; completely shut down, unless I'm drunk (I could turn into an alcoholic fairly easily).
I'd take or do anything people want so the situation I'm in would stop, which is why saying "no" is pretty difficult.
I can somewhat pretend I'm a normal person, but this gets very tiring; every evening I feel completely drained of energy.
The annoying part is that some days are better, but say 2 weeks later, the emptiness comes back in full force, usually right after someone ticked me off. Even if it's nothing really, it brings a series of bad things along, like they were already in the back of my mind, waiting for a reason to come out.
Also I am not able to trust people. I don't understand the purpose of "small talk" with strangers, particularly about personal things, like where I live, what I do in my spare time, etc. I would never ask such questions, unless I really need to know.
I'm in a relationship for almost a year and I find it very superficial; We get along ok, we enjoy each other's company, but I literally have no clue what my "half" is feeling, and neither does she know who I am.
I don't know _why_ i'm this way. I really want to change, but don't know how, what to fix exactly.
Please excuse my whining, but I would really appreciate hearing about your experiences/opinions, as I'm completely lost.

[wuckie]

i don"t usually go on line to talk with people about my problems either. but there are times in your life that a sympathetic stranger"s reaction is very helpful. i am an old person--66 y/o. that is a long time to be here and it has been pretty rough frequently. one thing i have learned is that everyone is different. sounds to me that you are a very strong and intelligent person. somewhere inyour life and it may not have come from the obvious, something affected you very deeply. distrust indicates betrayal and hurt. withdrawal (shutting down around people) indicates a self-defensive reaction. therapy is the best approach. i have done that several times in my life with great success. be careful of rx. tx. especially effexor with it"s horrible cessation symptoms. you actually sound to me to be a person that knows self and deals well with the knowledge. time to dump whatever has affected you so deeply. i greatly respect your strength. good luck. wuckie

[mammo]

Talking about this is not whining, you're trying to educate yourself and get others opinion which is excellent. For someone who has dealt with so much in their life, you have done very well!  You've not become a drug addict, and are aware of alcohol not being the answer along with the dangers of it.  So, you are stronger and wiser than you're giving yourself credit for.  But still, there are things that have happened in your life that I am sure has had a profound effect on you. Therapy can help you determine what is still "eating" at you inside, get it out and deal with it.  If you need medication along with this, then so be it.  You have got to do what is needed to have the happy, fulfilling life you deserve. Thjere is so much help for you that you need not feel this way.  Decide today that you will take your life back and seek help.  We're always here to help you through this, we've been thru all this too, so we understand.  Stay with us and keep us posted on your progress.  I do admire how well you've coped with everything, now you need to put a period on that chapter of your life. Get help and take care...

[Mike5709]

First of all to honestly describe how you feel is not whining.  

I was drawn to your post as I am able to identify with much of what you describe.  You are in a much better place than you realize. By that I mean, you have taken the time to recognize that things are not as they should be. You are young and believe me you can find the type of life you are looking for.

I strongly recommend that you seek out a therapist for advice and direction. It really is true that asking for help does not mean you are helpless.

You spoke of the relationship you are in as being superficial. Whether it is this relationship or another you will find them superficial if you don’t understand yourself.

Best of luck and “go for it!”