What my life is like having depression and anhedonia

[Detective_L_Ryuzaki]

If one really can still have good meaning in one's life despite his/her depression and/or anhedonia, then good.  That all works out for these people then.  Them having no pleasant emotions and them being all down and depressed is nothing important to them and does not take away any good meaning in their lives.  

These people are able to find good meaning since they are still living, still choosing to pursue their goals and dreams, still choosing to focus on and do things in their lives, and are not giving up on life and committing suicide.  So that is all fine and dandy for them.  How anyone can still find good meaning in their lives living like that is far beyond me though.

But as for people like me, it is drastically the opposite situation.  I absolutely need my pleasant emotions in my life.  My life and composing dream are an utter waste to me if I don't have them.  Even if I was a composer who had a genius talent and was the next greatest composer who changed the world, even that would be an utter waste to me without my pleasant emotions.

So if I had to live most or my entire life anhedonic or even worse, down and depressed, then there would be no doubt about it.  I would end my life right then and there on the spot.  Some people would say to me that would be a waste of life for me to end my life since I could of still done great things.  But like I said before, to these people it is meaningful for them to live their lives despite their depression and/or anhedonia while it is meaningless (a waste) to me to live my life down and depressed and without my pleasant emotions.

Think about it.  Not too many people are fine and nor can they find good meaning in their lives living most or their entire lives depressed and/or anhedonic.  Even Robin Williams ended his life and he was the type of person to find meaning in his life despite all his struggles, pain, and misery.  So it really goes to show you here that hardly anyone can find good meaning in their lives living most or their entire lives depressed and/or anhedonic.

As a matter of fact, I think it would be a mental disorder for someone to find good meaning in their lives living most or their entire lives depressed and/or anhedonic.  It is only natural for us as human beings to live by the pain/pleasure principle.  That is, for us to find good meaning in our lives living for our pleasant emotions and avoiding pain and misery.  Although we do find good meaning in sacrificing our pleasure to help someone else out and to pursue our goals and dreams, it gets to a certain point where it is a mental disorder as I will now explain below.  

Just as how a sociopath would have a mental flaw/disorder for finding good meaning in harming innocent living things and people since that is not how we normally function as human beings, it would also be a mental disorder for us to find good meaning in our lives living most or our entire lives depressed and/or anhedonic.  I don't have that mental disorder and nor would I ever have it.  Therefore, you cannot possibly expect me to be fine and live most or my entire life depressed and/or anhedonic.

Just as how an empathetic person cannot possibly see and understand how a sociopath can find good meaning in his/her life torturing innocent people and living animals since this empathetic person does not have the mental flaws and defects that this sociopath has, I am also unable to see and understand how a depressed and/or anhedonic person can find good meaning in his/her life while depressed and/or anhedonic since I am not that type of person either.  

Just as how the empathetic person will never find good meaning in his/her life from torturing innocent people and living things, I will never find good meaning in my life being depressed and/or anhedonic.  Neither would I be someone who would choose to not commit suicide in the event that I had to live most or my entire life depressed and/or anhedonic.  It's just not who I am.  I would choose to save myself from all the meaninglessness and pain/misery of my depression and anhedonic by ending my life.  But, of course, I am choosing to live for a possible recovery of my pleasant emotions and nothing more.

~NOTE TO READER:  THIS POST IS CONCLUDED BELOW!~

[Paxiled]

You know, I get tired of your repetition, but do understand you.  Maybe others don't, but my life was destroyed by a medication to which I had a rare and untreatable (apparently) reaction that has destroyed my ability to do much of anything and definitely not anything I really enjoy.  So I get you.  But before this happened, I was a writer, and I've composed a lot of music, but I never had whatever it is that gets you published.  Most people who pursue this kind of activity never find "success."  So with pleasure or not, the notion you'll ever become a successful composer such that you'll be able to feed yourself and keep doing it isn't very likely.  If it happens, I guarantee you, you will feel pleasure, at least for awhile, but it won't last, you'll then need to do more to feel good because that's what most ambitious people are like.  Too much ego, too much narcissism to just enjoy the simpler pleasures of life, such as a beautiful tree or a nice day or playing basketball in the park.  My guess has always been that you do enjoy some of these things, and as you're a lot younger than I am, probably more of these things.  You obviously get some reward, dare I say, pleasure, from sharing your theories which I don't think anyone who has commented on you before ever believed you really believe, including me.  But you are fun to spar with, as you're so committed to getting us to believe your philosophical theory of life.  If that isn't the pursuit of a form of pleasure, I don't know what is.  I know you'll go on writing this stuff, and nothing anyone can say will change your desire to express yourself in this way, but you know and I know that you do get pleasure from some things and you haven't committed suicide, just as I haven't though I see no relief from my suffering and have, like you, no belief that suffering is somehow noble.  I just think you're just wrong on the examples you use and the feelings you actually have.  Robin Williams, by all accounts, didn't kill himself, for example, simply because of depression, but because he discovered that on top of all his other ailments, including serious heart disease and a history of addiction and mental illness, all of which he managed to survive and still find some measure of fulfillment, that he now had Parkinson's Disease, and that was just more than he wanted to deal with at his advanced age.  You, on the other hand, don't have the additional burdens of severe physiological illness, a life lived well and successfully, much adoration and public acclaim, and advanced age to deal with.  But again, it's fun to read your intricately formed erroneous theories of how people live their lives, as if some people are always happy and others always sad when the truth is even sociopaths have good days and bad days, good years and bad years.  Look at Donald Trump, who despite his billions, still finds it necessary to tell anyone who will listen how wonderful he is, demonstrating his extreme insecurity.  It's just life, man, it's going to be hard for everyone at some point.

[Paxiled]

How come you always use a new name?

[Detective_L_Ryuzaki]

Therefore, the one and only life worth living to be would be an eternal blissful life of no more pain, suffering, and misery.  If science were to somehow create such an eternal blissful life in the future and resurrect people such as me who have missed out on life, then I could then live and compose the one and only way I wanted to which would be through me being in an eternal good mood.

[Detective_L_Ryuzaki]

This is instead who I am.  I am someone who lives solely by the pain and pleasure principle.  That is, I live to avoid pain and misery and live to pursue experiencing my pleasant emotions (good moods) from living and being a composer.  We have moral people and then we have people such as myself who solely live by the pain/pleasure principle.  The moral individual would put his/herself through pain and misery for others and for his/her goals and dreams and would find good meaning in that.  He/she would still fully continue to live on while hardly or not being suicidal at all despite his/her agonizing pain and misery.

There is the difference between being in a vibrant, "alive," joyful, happy, transcendant, etc. mindstate due to your experience of your pleasant emotions (good moods) as opposed to having good meaning in your life.  Having good meaning in one's life is subjective and would even come from living a life of pain and misery in which you are in a hopeless, "dead," and bland mental state due to your depression and/or anhedonia.

So if that is what they call having good meaning in one's life, then count me out.  It is instead me being in the vibrant and vigorous "alive" mental state of my pleasant emotions (good moods) that gives me every reason to live, carry on in life, and to live for my family and my composing dream.  My good moods are my one and only incentives for living and in being a composer.  They are the one and only things for finding true good meaning in my life and composing dream.  Me just focusing on and living for people and things in my life such as my composing dream is all meaningless to me.  I need to actually enjoy doing that in order to give my life good meaning.

Now even Robin Williams who was a highly moral individual who found good meaning in his life towards helping others despite his pain and misery, even he committed suicide due to his depression.  Even his depression rendered him perceiving no good meaning in his life which is the reason why he ended his life.  So I think it honestly goes to show you here that people who do find good meaning in their lives despite their depression and/or anhedonia have a mental disorder.

Now the only meaningful relationship there is to me in life would be a relationship that I can experience pleasant emotions from.  For example, the one and only reason why my family brings my life good meaning would be because I am able to derive pleasant emotions from them.  But without my pleasant emotions, then nothing including my own family can bring my life any good meaning.

But then there are those types of people who actually live for others and find good meaning in living for others despite their pain and misery.  I am not that type of person at all as I said before.  So, let's pretend that you fell in love with someone in which you derived pleasant emotions from that relationship, then I would view that as you having a meaningful relationship.  But the moment where you had to struggle most or your entire life with depression and/or anhedonia is the moment where you should just give up on that relationship and end your life regardless of how much grief you would cause your soulmate.

Therefore, I am just simply the type of person who meets others such as my family and develops a meaningful relationship only based upon my pleasant emotions.  But without my pleasant emotions, then that is it for me and that is it for that relationship.   It would all end right then and there for me.

Now if, let's pretend, there were an awesome hardcore villan who obtained high status and power in his/her life and did so many awesome villanish things that got him/her so far in life and he/she ruled and dominated this planet, then would he/she find any good meaning in all of this while down and depressed and/or anhedonic?  Would such a villan find good meaning ruling the world while being in such a hopeless and bland mental state?  I think not!

This grand moment absolutely calls for him/her to be in a good mood.  So in that same sense, if I wish to pursue a great dream in my life and do something great in my life which would be my composing dream, then there is no possible way I would find any good meaning in any of that while being down and depressed and/or having anhedonia.  It would all just be a worthless and meaningless endeavor for both me and that villan.

So really, it is only the good moods themselves that are important here in life.  They are the only things that make your goals and dreams and other people something important to you (have good meaning to you).  Without that, then nothing and no one will matter to you in your life regardless of what you tell yourself otherwise.