When to say when......

[cornczech]

I am not writing here for attention, just to get that straight and I am not writing here to get the "call the suicide hot line" or "call your Pdoc" answers either......I know what the canned line is when someone talks of suicide....first a bit of history.
I am 42, female and have been diagnosed with quite a bit of things found in the big mental health diagnosis book, (borderline as a teen, depressed, PTSD, you name it...the most current is bi-polar and comorbid substance abuse..or something like that)...suffice it to say that I had a very nasty childhood...physical/mental/sexual abuse....child of TWO alcoholic parents...etc. I have been married myself 3 times. Have 2 children, both of whom were raised by their fathers as I just didn't want to "share" my misery, (plus, come on...can a person like me REALLY raise a child alone?). My children are aged 22 and 16. I am on my 3rd marriage (10 years!! a record for me!!!) and things are ok. I have had 10 major surgeries, been diagnosed with a couple of chronic, painful diseases...the most recent is epilepsy. I have seizures of the grand mal type once a month (if I am not medicated and so far...one med made me deathly ill..the others have side effects that are almost intolerable) and after 3+ years of pain killer addiction, 10 years of abusing sleeping pills and close to 8 years of abusing alcohol, (I was up to 8 - 10 beers a day right before I went into Rehab in January 09) and 10 years of DAILY pot use, I am running out of options to quieten my brain....in fact, with the seizures, I constantly get a feeling of my brain being hooked up to a high voltage box and the "screaming" is now almost physical.....my face twitches, I cannot remember much except for the weird return of some long, buried memories that suddenly popped up after that first seizure.....(this is getting WAY too long, sorry) MY POINT....ok...I have been thinking about death constantly now. I think it may have to do with the epilepsy, but NOW the ending of my life seems to make SO MUCH DAMN SENSE....!!! (and I can somehow SEE it...FEEL it coming...like Deja Vu)....I am not thinking of an active suicide...but by allowing one of my seizures to "do me in" (I can feel my life ebbing away with each one I have anyways....) Can anyone relate? IS this just a result of something organic in my brain or has the depression finally won? (I don't feel too depressed, really....no more than usual...). Just as a "confession", I never could 100% stop the alcohol....on a daily basis, yes...I only drink on Mondays and Fridays, (my days off) and I only drink that set amount, (about 32oz of beer)...I know, I know.....(about the drinking) but I HATE AA and I just couldn't (wouldn't) do what the folks at rehab wanted.....I could care less about anything but making the screaming stop...even if I have to make myself deaf and unable to scream.......

[cornczech]

Thanks to all of ya'll for your comments. I am also learning that seizures are not ALL falling to the ground and twitching....sudden alterations in mood and thought process is another form. My thoughts have been all over the place and my emotions...JEEZ! HOWEVER, my issues are real and I've never really addressed them....just kinda...like using a feather duster to sweep a floor...anyhow...I had a seizure this morning where I suddenly busted out crying in the middle of reading the news, while the left side of my face twitched. Funny to see, I guess.......
I want to say that nobody's comments offended in any way. I DO have a lot of forgiving to do...but I just HATE THEM SO MUCH sometimes...especially now that the memories got released. I have new ones daily, like some kind of sick horror movie....anyhow, church...how do I put this one...I was abused by my first husband through religion and some kind of fundamentalist church group....(I DO have some stories to tell.....) and so I am VERY VERY VERY uncomfortable in any kind of formal church setting....even though I am fairly verse in scripture for a heathen.....and I pray on occasion.
Well....off I go into the Chicago rain...I have eye exams to give (which is better, one or two?) and my weird aura has passed for the most part...(though I've sen stranger things on the "el" than someone having a seizure....)

Peace, Ya'll

[mikchez]

Wow... Thank you for writing for some reason your letter put a smile on my face (well maybe a smirk), for the fact that it that it gave me some kind of peace to know that some one feels like I do. And your story is close to mine. I loved the comments too, I'm not going to get into my story but a couple things that I’ve been doing to have a glimpse of light is I’ve been walking in the morning and I have been going to church and praying for all the jerks I resent, I don’t know why but it makes me feel good, very few things do any more. I do go to lot of movies it helps me to escape for while, I like to dream about writing a screenplay about some of my misery and the miracles. There’s a line in the movie Passengers that I loved he’s opening up to this lady saying that the trouble with commitment is that you have to be real… for some reason it made me start committing to a few things one of them is smiling, and being grateful for what I do have.
Thanks again
Give Peace Chance
Love  
mikchez

[teko]

I do not mean this in a flip way, so please do not take it that way ok? ok. It really sounds to me like you got a lot of forgiving to do. Your past has become your present. I think depression diagnosis may be making light of what you are going thru. Have you tried church? Or prayer, or meditating. It sounds like you need to let go before you can heal. I hope this did not offend as it was certainly not meant to.

[pearlymae]

It sounds like you have a lot of issues to talk about and you need a theapist to talk to weekly,even twice a week at the beginning.Consider group therapy also.Go  to a mental health clinic in your area  where they offer this and a consulting psychiatrist  who can prescribe  appropriate medication for you,all at a reduced fee.

[ILADVOCATE]

I would think that all these issues are very real and regardless of having depression would overwhelm anyone. Its a matter of reaching out to people you know and also if you have a psychiatrist a referral to a talk therapist and perhaps a support group.

[cornczech]

Just to fill in a little more: My brother died last July at aged 38 from his mixing alcohol with his bi-polar medications...my first family death as ALL grandparents are still living, parent, etc. I had not spoken to my brother for 10 years and the last time was when he tried to knife me to death in a drunken rage, (nice, huh?). I hate my evil, c*nt mother so badly that I no longer wish her to DIE, but that she lives to be 100 years old.....crippled and in a nursing home with a racist nurse who hates southern white women, (sorry, I am not very politically correct and am a very angry person still, I guess...), and has a preference for listening to loud country western music...anyhow......I thought of calling my mother, (who didn't even cry when her son died...just said, "I didn't know him any more" and refused to speak to me......I have not spoken to her nor her mother, my man-hating grandmother, since my brother's death. NOBODY but my brother's father's family went to the funeral, (I was not invited, or I would have gone)..there are a MILLION sad stories I could tell......