Why can't I be like everyone else????

[fuente]

For the longest time I look around and look at everyone and ask why can't I be normal? Why can't I laugh, be happy and care-free? Why do I always feel like doom and gloom? Afraid of my own shadow and having no self confidence or self esteem... always feeling either guilty, afraid or sad?

I have been seeing a psychologist now for about a year and she has me on Seroquel 600mg (once in the evening before bed - which she increased a week and half ago from 400mg), Lexapro 20mg (once in the evening before bed) & Klonopin .5mg twice a day (once in the morning and then one at night)... I also have taken Vicodin on occasion to just get some piece. I'm not addicted because I don't hardly take it only when my anxiety and fear get out of hand maybe once or twice every couple to three weeks. This I will stop because of I've read here in this forum and how bad it is. I don't drink but maybe a beer or two on weekends.

I don't know why I writing this... I guess I'm just trying to reach out. I live in fear 24/7. I'm afraid of failing at my job and getting fired, I'm afraid that I won't be able to pay the bills and lose the house or worse, I'm afraid my wife will just have had it with me and leave me, I'm basically afraid of everything. Change causes me tremendous fear.

All I want to know if it possible to be confident, have self esteem and be happy again? To be able to be light hearted and laugh.... be the old me.I can't remember when was the last time... I wish sometime I would just get a terminal disease or a hard attack and die. Things would just be so much easier.

Can someone tell me if it's possible to be happy again.

[gukar]

dear fuente,
not being presumptuous, i believe you have my deepest empathy and genuine understanding of how exactly the state of your mind must be dwelling in. as far as i am concerned about your situation, i refuse to acknowledge that you have any kind of diseases that should be treated with medicine. drugs might temporarily help you release from fear, guilt, depression, stress, self-loathing, and whatever feelings or emotions that keeps you away from the happiness. As you take caffeinated drinks to boost your energy, it refreshes your mind for a short period of time, yet fails to serve it's efficiency for the long run. In like manner, drugs do not contribute to a permanent solution as you might have already experienced by now.
In an attempt to help find a solution for your problem, I would say that trying to find the root cause of your suffering(fear & etc)  would be the first wise step to take. The "root cause" if discovered will help you understand it's nature and will further allow you to develop effective methods to overcome the problem. According to the law of Karma, everything has a cause and an effect. For certain, your fear should also have it's cause. You are absolutely fine to be not on medication and nothing is wrong with you. All you need to do is to develop a healthy state of mind. With introspection and contemplation, work on figuring out the cause. Once you understand the causes, try to deal accordingly.

Reading books on studying the true nature of mind has always uplifted my spirit, even in the worst hostile environment. "An Open Heart" by his holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, clearly conveys the message about how to gain happiness by taming those afflictive emotions in a simple language easy to comprehend.

I pray and hope that, soon, may you find all the happiness that you deserve.
GOOD LUCK.

check out the link below, hope it will help you in some-

way-http://www.shambhala.com/html/learn/features/buddhism/basics/lovingkindness.cfm

[jagat02]

Meds never heal permanently. You have to get rid of your guilt and fears yourself. Vent out your frustration over the person who deserves it. Make the boss shiver. Or be your own boss. You have two options - Either live a dying life or get even and be happy. I am doing the latter. I am getting even now. I am making others run and relaxing myself. What is the point taking tension all the time while people around you become careless and enjoy? Terrorise others by speaking out, or people will end up terrorising you by their silent inefficiency.

[TheeDemeter]

After reading all the posts I am surprised no one pointed out that fear is not common for depression or unipolar. In my case, I am Bi Polar and  it took many years for doctors to realize that I had anxiety ( attacks) also. A small dose of Buspar takes care of that now. I still feel worried at times but it doesn't overwhelm me or distract me from my normal activities.
Ask your doc if it is possible you have anxiety.
Any alcohol will interfer with your meds and can send you downward. Not a good thing to drink at all.
Take care,
Demeter

[teko]

The only other advice I could give other than what has already been stated is that to remember, the meds help, but you have to work on your issues while on it.  I worry about you mixing things like alcohol and pain pills to the meds you are on.  
They can interfere with you psych meds or cause unforseen interaction which could be fatal in some cases. Please check with the doc before taking anything not prescribed along with your psych meds.

[rottenbananaphonee]

i know how you feel. i live in fear constantly too, sometimes it seems life is great but most other times the depression gets to me. Are you religious in any way? If you are try talking to God, you may think "oh this is weird i'm talking to noone" but honestly, it feels good to talk to Him if you believe in Him. He listens and cares. You just have to try really hard to not think about all those thoughts that go through your head. Try running or doing something, anything, that will get your mind off of them. There will come a time when you are happy again. You just have to surround yourself with people and talk. Always talk about your feelings. Holding them in will make it worse.

[LeftCoastChick]

I would get some clarification. There are 3 types of Bipolar, BP1 - being the one with the most dramatic, BP2 - has smaller swings, but they seem to happen more often. The there is Bipolar Spectrum, which is the other label for cyclothemia.

I'm Bipolar Spectrum - I never get dramactic highs and I'm not in depression for extemely long periods of time, sort of like a small yo-yo - which is what you are describing in yourself. I would double check. It took 2 shrinks to finally diagnose me right. I was "unipolar" for 12 yrs - had really bad anxiety and fear like you. It's awful and my meds never seemed to fully work, or they stopped working.  I also want to point out, there is no shame in having a mood disorder, it's better to get the right one, then not getting treated correctly.  I would write down all of your symptoms, even if you are feeling good on your next visit, write about when you are low or anxious. The information you give your pdoc - you really will have more treatment options, regardless of diagnosis.

If you've been on Lex for that long and you are still feeling life impairing depression, you need to look into another med or augment it with another med. There's no need for you to suffer. I really feel for you.
Keep in touch with what's going on okay?
take care,
LCC

[fuente]

I was mistaken it was my psychiatrist not psychologist... you know the doctor. I was not diagnosis as Bi-Polar but Uni-Polar. Sort of the same but different. The highs are not so high and the lows not so low.

Seroquel seemed to work for a while until I had some major changes at work and with my finances. Then it all went to hell in a hand basket. I've been on Seroquel, Lexapro and Klonopin for about 8 months.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and yes I'm going to call my psych doctor tomorrow and get the drugs adjusted.

I said I just want to be happy but rather I just want to stop worrying and being afraid... would be my goal.

[ILADVOCATE]

Vicodin is specifically prescribed for pain so anything other that is a misuse even on occasion. Obviously people drink but its best for people with any psychiatric disability who take medication not to. You definitely would want to speak to your psychiatrist about those issues. Anyway, your goal is not so much to be like everyone else. Each person is different. Your goal is to recover and part of that is getting treatment adjusted and obviously part is talk therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy works for some in addition. If there is an issue of self medication a dual recovery group as well. These approaches combined do help.

[Lealyn66]

it is possible to feel  happy again and you can do it.

as the others have said you really don't know how well other people may be hiding their own fear, anger, hurt, depression.  Just as no one knows how you really feel but you.  You are not alone and you will get better with some help.

Keep talking to whoever prescribed you the medication and make them understand that you are not feeling the way you should.  Also, don't depend solely on the medication.  Watch your sugar and caffeine and make sure you have a safe place to vent your feelings!

[LeftCoastChick]

A diagnosis can only be made by a psychiatrist, you can't say definitely that this poster is not bipolar. Though the symptoms this person presented lean towards BP, there is no way to tell either way with the limited symptoms provided.

[LeftCoastChick]

Fuente
Where you diagnosed Bipolar?  both meds are used for that especially the Seroquel. You may need to get your meds tweaked a bit so that they work better, Lexapro is not the first choice for Bipolar depression, it's more like an add on drug after being placed on a mood stabiliser, like Lamictal and Lithium, both very well tolerated and very successful drugs.  I can tell you from my own first hand experience that Lamictal has been much better for both my anxiety and depression. Lithium is a good one, and it works pretty fast, both depending on dosage can have some affect on the anxiety and hypomania.

.Regardless of your diagnosis the meds aren't working as well. We're you just placed on the Lex, or have you been on it for a while,?if it's recent it takes 4-6 weeks to see improvement. You might want to talk to your pdoc regarding MS's as an option. I find SSRI's, which Lex is, can sometimes in a bipolar person, make the anxiety worse not better, though some find great relief with that drug.

You mention a psychologist, I'm sure s/he is a shrink not a therapist, as far as I know they can't prescribe meds.  Hopefully the high dose Seroquel which has been raised to will help with your anxiety and some of the paranoid thinking as well , I had the same thing for ages, thinking I was going to get fired from my job all the time, and lose everything that I had. I lived feeling like I was in a ball of fear and stress. It's just awful to say the least. I've had really bad anxiety like you for at least 2yrs where it completely affected my whole like.

Sometimes when you feel the meds aren't working you have to agressive advocate on your behalf to get better treatment. There are support groups out there for anxiety and depression. I was in one for 6 months and it was so  benificial almost more then sitting down with my shrink.  Here's a great site for all mood disorders, it's chock full of info.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_medications.htm

We do have a community for BP folks, who have varied amounts of BP, it's a great place.

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/160?camp=msc&personal_page_id=144382

[notable_resident]

seroquel is used for people with manic depressive disorder caused by bipolar.  you're not bipolar...

lexapro is really good.  it's great for generalized anxiety disorder.  

[therese83]

I can only say is what you see of others is theie 'public' self, you do not really know how they feel or what problems they have behind the scenes.

Many people experience depression at some point in their lives. It is very common and that person who apears happy and carefree may well be suffering.

If you still have a lot of fear then your medication is not working and you need to keep in contact with your Doctor and stick with it ontil you feel better.

How long is the longest time, how long do you feel like this.  It has taken me five years to feel my happy confident self again.  It takes a long time in my experience, but it does happen.

Good luck to you