14364636 tn?1434144395

feeling crazy

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since i was 9. i'm 18 now and going to college. i know i have these mental issues but i feel so unstable that sometimes I'm afraid that i am crazy. I've been suicidal in the past, been hospitalized once and been in crisis homes four times. but my emotions are so strong. i always have some sadness with me even when I'm happy. i also have suicide linger in the back of my mind. (I've told my doctors and therapists) the good news is, i know what my struggles are and even in my darkest times, i can reach out for help. but i'm definitely not my safest. i have decided not to get my drivers license right now because I'm afraid i will feel so awful one day and go out and buy sleeping pills. i'm going to college near home in a city so its not very necessary at the moment. i keep myself around other people when i feel suicidal or even before then. but my question is, well, i know this isn't normal, but is there anyone else who feels this way at my age or close to my age? i feel alone in this situation.
2 Responses
Avatar universal
I had depression, diagnosed and in therapy since I was 10. My family knew, my whole family has depression and other mental health issues, so I didn't feel alone in that. But, my friends all came from happy homes and had pretty great lives. That was the hardest part- seeing normal people and knowing that I just wasn't and that since depression is clinical/biological that I never would be like them. With the suicidal thoughts and attempts I knew I wouldn't /couldn't make it to 22. I just always thought well," I'll go to hoghschool but I don't plan on living after that." Then, "I'll go to college but I can't make it through it". In college, I did have to be admitted and my roommates knew what was going on with me. But I didn't really care. It was like, "you stopped me this time but this is how I am going to go one of these days". Then, 22 came and went, and I felt like I coulndt believe I made it this long. How much longer can I make it? Can I live longer with this going on inside me? How much longer can I take this? Then, I met my husband, and I understood why I made it this long. My life isn't lived for me, it's for him. I exist to make others happy, to help them. I am not a great/important person, but I am important to those who love me. Will that be enough forever to keep me here? I really hope so and I really have to try because this will never be over for me. But right now it's worth it. To stay, to fight, to try. I am not you, I don't know you. But keep yourself safe. make goals/landmarks. Try something new once a month. Make a date with yourself to have a treat yourself day on the first of the month. Don't worry about limiting yourself- get that liscense because you can take road trips! You can get a job further away, you can make/visit friends. You can learn to trust and be responsible to and for yourself. And one day it'll be a little less hard.  
Avatar universal
I know exactly how you feel. Both of you. I have been depressed for a couple of years now but the depression was the strongest when i was 18 (I'm 19 now). I had suicidal thoughts all the time, even attempts at times. I didn't feel like doing anything. I felt empty. But then I told my parents about it and I've been taking medication and I Do feel better.. And what helped me was finding sometime, a relative or a friend to talk to. There IS hope. Believe me. Always, every time you feel down know that you'll feel good later. Cause if you're taking good care of yourself you won't be feeling down for too long. You might find a passion or a person like winniev here, that will give you a reason to stay.
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