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Avatar universal

help!!

hi i'm 19 years old i don't know how to start so i'm gone get to the point ,lately i feel so attached to my mother i can't live without her , especially those last 6 years she had 6 operation each year something come up ;6 years ago she removed a Benign Tumor from her colon and this year we find out that she has a lung cancer (she doesn't even smoke) i was devastated ,she had an operation then the Chemotherapy which really make her very tired and dizzy from all the vomiting and the pain ,  she stays at my grandmother's house which it's in another city where she take the treatment and rest for a week then comes back and stays with us for 12 days ,that's our life now .Meanwhile i decided to take the year off i was so lost i didn't know what i want to study what to do with my life i still feel like a little girl hopeless can't figure out what to do like i'm waiting for someone to tell me what to , basically i didn't know who i'm or what i want to be, i feel that my whole world is falling apart and i have a lot of things going on in my mind my mum's cancer, what i want to study and make my parents realize that i'm growing up, they keep treating me like my younger sisters especially my dad, i'm lost and confused ,i used to talk about what bothering me to my mum we have a strong relationship  but now i don't want to her to worry about me , i don't want to lose her she's the only person in this world that i trust and love deeply. i fell so alone and i'm so depressed i stay in my bed for a week and i don't go out with friends i feel like i'm cutting them out of my life , i just sit at home watching TV and eating , i gained 11kg in 5 months i went from 58kg to 69kg , and my father doesn't seem to care about me we always fight we don't get along we are 2 different people ; when i went to see a therapist  he didn't allow me to buy the  Antidepressant he just told that i'm  fine and i don't need to be on medication or go to therapy , i know I’m making him look like a bad guy but he's really nice and cool but we don't get along we always keep fighting about anything especially money , i can't bear to go out with him or even stay in the same room with him I don't know why he just get on my nerves maybe deep down i still blame him for all the pain that my mother went through i remember my mother telling me when i was 7 that he cheated on her i can’t' forget that, when i try to remember my childhood i always see my mother crying ,she was never happy in her life with him he always stand up for his family (i mean my aunts and uncles) when they treat my mother badly, they always try to pick a fight between them ,they don't like her , they just so mean even to us they're only after my father's money because he's very generous ( and i don't know way i get so angry when my parents talk to each other or when they joke around or go out together i just get so mad at mum i don't know way). I really do blame him for all the bad things that happened to my mum .I do blame him too for not standing up for me when my cousin sexually abused me when i was 5 and he was 11 i think , he didn't rape me or took my clothes off he just started to touch me in inappropriate place and i immediately felt uncomfortable and stopped him but he tried a couple of times to do it again when we used to play together but i immediately left the room and after several weeks i told my mother what happened to me and she told my father, i don't remember much of what happened after, all i remember my mum being so mad  at my father for not making of it a big deal , he just told my uncle and nothing happened after that from that day my whole relationship with my father changed i used to blame myself when i remember the incident ,i felt that my father sees me like a dirty girl and it was all my fault, i never told him these thoughts i kept them to myself, too afraid to tell him what i feel ,now when i think about it, i cry so hard and all the bad feelings come back to me. i really want to move forward but something just pulling me down i hate myself and the way i feel i'm always angry and sad , just need to hear someone else opinion about my life and what should do. thanks anyway.sorry it's too long i just needed to get it out of my chest
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Avatar universal
Seek for God. Only he can give u comfort and only he can give u peace and one day u will realize that forgiving ur father is the only way for u to move on And feel free. Life is short and one day or any day u can loose one or the other or even both and u will regret not forgiving and having peace with them.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
nooo my father didn't molested me , was talking about my cousin when we were kids, those are my thoughts i was just because he didn't make an aggressive reaction like i want that's all and, my father would never do such a  thing he's respectful and religious man , i just did't recover from that incident and i blamed my father for not giving me the attention that i needed ,i just thought that he was ashamed of me( which he never said it ) it's just a thought that haunted me when i was a kid.
Helpful - 0
539549 tn?1315981662
1) don't blame you dad for what he did to your mother, that's in the past.
2) his issue with your sexuality or the sexuality of women in genral are different than your issues with him as a parent those are 2 completely separate concepts keeps that in mind
3) what your dad did by molesting you is a serious crime and your mom has very right to be mad it shows her concern as a parent
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