Hi there. Sorry you are having a difficult time. I'm trying to understand what you mean exactly. The best way to take an antidepressant is to take them every day without gaps. Otherwise, that constant back and forth of the medication will wear on you. it takes about 6 weeks for the start up side effects to cease and for the drug to work completely (well, 6 to 8 weeks)--- have you been on it consistently to get to that point yet??
There are a great many anti depressants out there. I have been on quite a few in my time. some suit us and some do not. We all react differently to anti depressants, and what suits one person may not suit another.
If you really have tried them all and given them the 6 weeks they did to have any effect, then obviously you are a person who cannot tolerate them at all.
You must take an anti depressant every day and give them at least 6 weeks to know if they are going to help you. I am sure if you find the right one and take it regularly you will feel much better.
I myself took anti depressants for nearly 30 years. I stopped 17 months ago and just take supplements now and am coping.
Anti depressants will always make you feel worse at first as your body gets used to them, but you must give them time to work.
If it is your choice not to take them, what else have you tried. What does your doctor suggest. As to feeling happy again, well that would be something we would all like to feel. We have to try and help ourselves as best we can. Depression takes away everything, I know, but anti depressants, if you can find one you can tolerate, should make your life easier.