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2996663 tn?1374169076

how do i cope?????

My mom is a breast cancer survivor, and while she was doing chemptherapy she got pregnant with me.(shes told me this a few times) The doctor tried to talk her into aborting me because I was at high risk for developmental problems. She refused to do it, and here I am now..miserable and afraid. I wish she would of,  because i dont think my dad wanted me and I dont think he wants me now. I dont belong here.  My dad drinks whiskey every other night, sometimes 2 nights in a row. And then when hes drunk he treats me like im dirt. I know hes drinking because of me, hes drank my whole life, but I wish he wouldnt be so mean all the time. He never tells me he loves me, my mom doesnt either.  Theyve never really showed love at all as long as I can remember. I dont know how to cope with it, the way he is when hes drunk, he calls me names sometimes. He has even told me "go cut yourself some more!" I hear the saying "a drunk mans thoughts is a sober mans words" and that makes it worse. Because now I feel even more like he doesnt want me or love me. Any odeas how to cope?
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3060903 tn?1398565123
Concentrate on YOU and what YOU deserve and want out of life and go for it Here here mammo. This is the only thing that you can do , and you can do it as well as you wish to.

I know that this has been a "sensitive subject" honey ~ to talk to your psychologist about, but you really need to. And you need to talk about it alot.

I know you can't see it, but I see that your parent;'s had a very difficult time coping with a lot of situations that you had nothing to do with. When you start thinkiing that it is YOU that makes your dad act badly when he is drunk , think about your sister's problems, your brother's problems, the fact your mother had a life threatening disease. He has many reasons why he is self medicating. The fact that you are the youngest and still at home is a reason why it seems he is lashing out at you only. You are an easy target right now living at home.

You are getting older now and becoming so much more responsible for yourself, and honestly that is your best and only defense. I appreciate why you don't want to leave home early. It will come soon enough, just concentrate on your studies and doing the right things for yourself. That includes talking to your psychologist about what is really going on at home. It took you some time on here to open up about what is happening, and it's taken you some time as well to open up to your psychologist. All I can tell you is to read read read, watch documentaries and self help books to allow you to communicate this problem to your P-doc and your psychologist. Seek out a therapist for your social anxiety, involving yourself in cognitive behavior based therapy for your social anxiety will allow you to make friends for yourself. and this , aside from your marks, is the single most important thing that you can do for yourself.

Remember when you look up your manic bipolar depression that it can be caused by environmental factors, as well as genes. And, your home life is acting against you and may have been for a long time. I realize that you accept this and still love them, and I understand that. But, you must draw the line. You're father, as an active alcoholic, (and I have been one) is acting like a large unruly child. He suffers from not being able to talk about his situation and you are confused because he is the one that is supposed to be teaching you how to talk about your problems, and not cut yourself. Please find the strength to talk to your P-doc and psychologist. Work very hard at school. I'll say it again, everybody wants to know the smart kid, and you are very smart. Do your best. If you allow this to bring you down, and do not fight for yourself everyday you will never be happy.

You need good role models, so look around at school, talk to the teachers. You said that the english teachers gravitate toward you. Open up and be friendly with teachers and guidance counselors, Learn how not to be afraid of your p.doc and psychologist. Talk to us on Medhelp like you are. I'm proud of you for opening up about this sensitive subject. I know how hard it is to have to admit, for your own sanity, that things are not so good at home. You've done everything right. You are using coping strategies so that you don't cut yourself. Get some "clean" time in, and don't go back. That's what we do. We keep on fighting for what is right, even when we are in a situation that is not right. Your illness says that you CAN lead a normal life and be happy. Make sure that you do. Be happy that i\t is possible and NEVER stop fighting for a happy life, and it can and will happen for you too~ Hugs. Liz
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Avatar universal
I would almost bet that your dad is self medicating.  I don't think it has much if anything to do with you, but I totally understand how you could think that way.  (I think it is the stress of everything your mothers been through, the things you're experiencing, and the regular stress of every day life that your did is trying to drink away.... unfortunately, you cannot drink problems away.)

For the majority of my life, and especially as a younger child (4-12) I just knew that my father didn't like my sister or myself.  My folks were divorced (mom was our primary parent/had custody) but when my dad had custody, we were kind of on parade....  It was a ruse to make him look like a good dad or good guy.  We had very specific rules on how to behave and any variation of those rules led to abuse of different sorts.  (Mostly emotional/mental abuse)

My dad said all kinds of horrible things to my sister and I growing up.  My sister doesn't recall any of it, and I guess that's probably a good thing... maybe not.  

Anyhow, when I got to my teens, that relationship with my father changed gears.  I was a head strong teen who had a pretty good understanding of what my father really thought of me as a person.  He was always quick to judge and I never measured up to his standards.  

Even later yet, the relationship changed again because I was a young adult and could make my own decisions.  That offended my dad.  I later came to the understanding that my father was pretty ill prepared to be a parent.  He didn't have much of a father figure because my grandfather was already so much older when he was born.  From there, my dad followed suit by not being there....  I think he wanted to be a good dad, but just wasn't able too.  In my early 20's, he tried to buy my love and admiration.  The relationship was more or less ruined by then.... so much bad water under the bridge, but we both wanted that good father/son relationship.  It never really happened, and the abuse still happened into my early 30's, until he died.  (The only difference then was, I could tell him to shove it, then.... I think he resented the fact later in life that I didn't need him.)

Nonetheless, here I am today and I know that I am a better person because of this dysfunctional relationship.  I went through a lot of rough times throughout my depression and I put my family through some tough times too, but we are past that now.

We can only concentrate on us, and its important to know that your life has value.  You can and will move past this.  
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Avatar universal
All the best Rose,I'm sure everything will work out because you have a very positive attitude.
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2996663 tn?1374169076
Thanks everyone!!!!!!  :)
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry to hear that. I know how iit feels to have an alchoholic in your life. My mom and step-dad get drunk every night and never talk to me. They get high and I hate that. My mom and I have gotten into fist fights and she's told me on several occasions she wishes I had killed myself. She says I definitely have Satan inside of me. I am so sorry that this happens to you.
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Avatar universal
Family is everything and home is where the heart is.As long as you feel safe there and love your parents then thats where you should be.Most parents love their children,some just don't know how to show it.
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2996663 tn?1374169076
I have asked him why he drinks all the time, and told him was making things worse but he didnt listen to me. They have never told me it was because of me, its the vibes I get from him when he is drunk that make me feel like that. I sense tension in him everytime.
I know it is probably very stressfull for them. Ill give it a shot talking to him one more time and see where I get with it  and I will make sure he is 100% sober!!
Thanks everyone! HUGSSS
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2217782 tn?1394363972
Hey Rose! I'm proud of you for having stopped yourself from cutting and being so strong despite your circumstances!
I can really relate to you here because my mum behaves the same way as your dad does. I know how stressful it is living with someone who is drunk a lot and who says the cruelest things when they are drunk. It is so easy to blame ourselves for our parents faults but remember you are NOT to blame!
You are a young girl who is wonderful, you don't deserve any of this and you should not be blaming yourself!
Have either of your parents ever said that you're the reason for the way they are behaving, if not, don't jump to that conclusion. People become bitter and horrible when they're unhappy with their lot in life, but don't let that hold you back.
I'm really really sorry you're not living in the nicest of environments right now. As for coping I'd say visit relatives as much as possible, bid your time until your old enough to make your own decisions without your parents holding you back. You're a smart girl who's going places and just keep that in mind. And come on here anytime you need to talk, I'm always here if you need to and if you ever get the urge to cut. You're doing fantastic!

I know it's all so hard when you're so emotionally attatched to the people who are hurting you but hang in there!
HUGS!
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480448 tn?1426948538
THAT is the kind of stuff you need to think about when you're feeling down about your parents  Remember the good stuff.  

You also need not feel guilty because they worry about you.  That's their job.  You'll understand when you're a Mom one day.  None of us parents are perfect either.  It seems like your parents are having trouble coping.  

I don't condone your Dad drinking..but he's probably self medicating.  You said he is very sweet when he's sober.  Do you think you could approach him when he is and tell him that you're worried about his drinking?  Tell him that you love him and it worries you.  Tell him you think he has a lot of stress...and that he is trying to cope, but that isn't a good way to cope.  If you think it wouldn't go over well, don't bring it up...but if he is reasonable when he is sober...maybe you'll get through to him...and make him think.

You and your parents will muddle through and one day, things will be a lot better.  There's just so much stress with everything going on.  
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2996663 tn?1374169076
I know :( I dont want them to feel like that because of me. I dont mean to.
I know they were really upset when I got sent to the hospital because they were powerless and didnt get the choice on whether telhey wanted me to or not. I was court ordered there. Sundays was visitstion and they came and visited me every sunday, because the facility I was in is just right outside of tkwn. The first one I went to, which was an hour away in Helena Montana, visitations could be whenever, as long as they called first. But they couldnt come visit me as much, but when they did, they would sneak me gum and candy and soda, and,i had a big bean bag in my rokm there that exposed allbthe bean thingys when unzipped, so I stashed all my goodies in there and buried them in the beans :) hehe. They never found my stash either, even when I got put on room search, they still never found my stashes
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1110049 tn?1409402144
I am so glad you love your parents and don't want to leave home.  You shouldn't even think about that at your age.  If it was abusive I would say yes.  Seems to me your parents have their own demons too.  

Try and show them how much you love them.  Believe me that means so much.  A loving household is a happy household.  

Try and look at things from your parents point of view.  Like Nursegirl says, your illness also makes you see things in a more negative light.

We cannot all tolerate our siblings.  Fact of life.  But parents I believe really do want is best for their children.  I bet your parents really worry about you.  Can you take the first step and give them and hug and show how much you care about them.  Do they care about each other?

You are a sensible girl, and I know you will do the right thing.  Please try and take the first step to making your household a more peaceful one.

love to you
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2996663 tn?1374169076
I just turned 16, and the reason I want to stay is because..well there the people ive been with since I was born, there my mom and dad and I love them and despite everything I wouldnt wish for different ones. Sometimes I.would but I never mean it.
My dad doesnt do this to my mom, just me. Thats.how come I think he dont want me somtimes and never did
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Avatar universal
Baby u need to find a way to get out of there! How old r u? EVERYONE here makes very good points and have given u GREAT advice but the truth is there is no way to cope with ANY type of abuse because. Person should NEVER get abused at all. Not mentally sexually or physically. I am just confused to why u want to stay in a abusive enviornment filled with addiction. Your mom does in fact love u but its her job to protect u with her life even if she has to protect u from your own father. It sounds like your mother and yourself need to get out of that house. U will always b depressed and filled with anger and rage because u r human and no normal balanced human being wants to b abused on any type of level. I am sendiing u a cyber hug and praying for u.
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2996663 tn?1374169076
I dont mean to make them upset, or anything like that.
I know my mom wanted me but I
Its my dad I think didnt want me.
It didnt shove my mom, I shoved my sister because she wouldnt get out of my face. I would never shove my mom. My sister and I just dont get a long and never have, shes always been mean to me. The only thing im thankful for about her is when she saved me from drowning, after my other half sister had asked me if I was and then just swam away, then my brother and sister  helped me. That story is in my journal entries.
She always calls me mean things. She makes me angry
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Avatar universal
Nursegirl makes a good point, your mom may be feeling responsible for your problems due to her chemo treatments.....she wasn't going to give you up!  You're seeing a lot and have a chance to learn from everything around you and not take the wrong path.  Plus, you should never shove your mom unless you felt you needed to protect yourself and this wasn't the case.  There's obviously much more to your story then I am aware of, but I do wish you all the best.
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480448 tn?1426948538
Rose, it sounds like addiction runs in your family.

I think your Mom just has a full plate.  We've all talked with you about this a lot.  She keeps trying to do everything in her power to help you get better, she probably feels powerless!  I agree 100% with mammo..I think she's telling you your birth story to stress that you ARE wanted, and were wanted back then.

I cannot IMAGINE as a mother myself, how scary it would be for me to have a daughter who was cutting, barely eating some days, depressed, scared, dreading school, afraid to go to the doctor...see what I mean?  She's seeing this all around her...and probably feels largely like a failure, especially with your siblings battling addictions, stealing, etc.  I think your Mom is probably depressed herself, and that may be why you see her drinking here and there.  Thank GOD it isn't out of control, YET.  She carries a lot of guilt I'm sure.  She probably thinks SHE is directly responsible for your issues.

Look at how she defended you to your aunt?  She stepped up and protected you.  If she didn't care or just didn't want to be bothered, she wouldn't have gave it a second thought.

Just keep doing what you're doing...keep trying.  As YOU feel better, I think SHE will feel better too, and then communicating will get easier.  As for your Dad...just leave him be when he's drinking, as much as you can.  None of their issues are your issues.

By nature, and due to your disorders, you overthink everything.  You have to consider that too.  I think you tend to overthink these relationships, and because your self esteem is low, you blame yourself for all the problems in the world.

It will be okay.
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2996663 tn?1374169076
No, there is nothing else going on. Just the above, hes actually pleasant when he isnt drunk.
I dont want to be the blame but I honestly think I am and I find it hard to convince myself otherwise.  
I love my mom and dad, and thats how come I want to stay here. I just want to know good ways to cope with it. Its hard for me to ignore, thats not an option for me. I get easily defensive sometimes even over the slightest helling. I cant stand being yelled at, my mom does it a lot and it makes me want to hit things sometimes, not people(never), but it makes me want to break stuff.
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3149845 tn?1506627771
You said you dont want to live anywhere else, describing all the above can you tell us why you want to continue living there. Is there something else going on that your afraid to mention here?
dave
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2996663 tn?1374169076
She was always so mean to me, and still is. We got into a fight once, because I was sitting in my room minding my own buisness and she came in  started calling me names because I had told on her for something. She wouldnt leave sobi got up and shoved her into the wall then she tackled me to the my bed and tried hitting me in the face, and I had a good hold on her hair hoping she would get off and finally she ended up hitting me right in the side of the head just a hair away from my temple, and she hit me hard. I had a huge bruised bump there for days and she clawed chunks out of my neck. That still gets to me to this day, it haunts me because I had never been attacked like before, ore beat up period.
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2996663 tn?1374169076
but I truly believe it is because of me, I cant convince myself different no matter how hard I try. Sometimes he will be in good moods when he is drunk but mostly hes abnoxious in a verbal way.
Thank you so much for your reply, im not sure how to begin talking to my mom.  She drinks just like him, but not as often..she can get a little bit on the  hard side too. My older siblings except one, ive had tobwatch them go through a meth addiction, stealing right under our noses. They had even took the cadalitic converter out of my dads car, and recycled it. They took 2 of his chainsaws, the second one he had went out and bought brand new because they stold his first one.
There was one time,my parents had drove to washington to try to get my other sister back here and away from her drug sources, and they left me with my other sister who was on drugs. She would leave the second I got out of school until 4 or 5 in morning and bring random guus back and they did drugs in our living room right in front of me. I found needles
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Avatar universal
Hi....I do feel your parents love you, and the fact that your mother wouldn't abort you speaks volumes, because they were making it very easy for her to do that.  She wanted you....perfect or not.  Your dad is dealing with his own demons and anger which unfortunately he takes out on you.  He needs help and until he's ready to get it, nothing will change.  I can relate to a lot of what you're enduring and I feel what's really important is to put the blame where it belongs and not on yourself.  Your parents actions towards you are not a reflection of you...but them.  Don't allow their actions to define who and what you are!  You've beaten the odds and were born healthy and with a purpose.  Sadly, many of us grew up without love and nurturing, so what we have to do is rise above this and know that we do matter and deserve a happy life.  Try to stay away from your dad when he's drinking, the less you have to deal with him and his words the better!  I would try talking to your mom as I do feel she loves you. Maybe the reason she keeps telling you her story is it's her way of letting you know how much she wanted you...and this replaces the "I love you".  She's dealing with an awful lot with your dad, maybe you can try to start some communication with your mom...even if you do it in a letter. Don't blame yourself for your dad's drinking, he's dealing with things that have been with him probably long before you were even born and is harbouring lots of anger.  Unfortunately, when we have this kind of anger inside we tend to take it out on those closest to us because we don't know where else to put it.  You beat the odds of even being born and are a wonderful inspiration to others on here!  Concentrate on YOU and what YOU deserve and want out of life and go for it!  You have only two years left before you can call the shots in your life, and you can't allow the life you've had rob you of the opportunity to have a happy and fulfilling life.  Think about what you want in life and work towards that.  Journal all your feelings and emotions, it's very therapeutic for us because it serves as a form of release for us.  When you feel like cutting...write!  You need to stop being a victim of your dad's, you have hope but your dad may be too far gone.  It's tough growing up feeling un-loved and not wanted, but I made it and so can you.  You need to love yourself and that will carry you so far in life!  I don't think there is any reasoning with your dad at this point, and it may be that he is so angry at himself for not being able to cope that he lashes out at you because you've told him how much it hurts you.  Sounds crazy, but this is how alcoholics think, they never accept the blame for anything.  Him telling you to "go cut yourself "may happen because it's actually hurting him that you do this and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to drink and then he lashes out because he may be feeling the guilt of having failed you as a parent.  I don't know, but I do know that you need to concentrate on YOU!  There's a bigger plan for your life and you don't want to miss a moment of it.  I hope I have helped.  Big Hugs to you.....
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Your in an enviornment that is no condusive to a healthy growing life. If something dosent change in the way you re being raised you need to live in a place where you can grow and become a participating member in society. Cutting and hurting yourself wont accomplish anything but make things worse. you are your own person and must take charge of your life. You need to nurture yourself not hurt yourself. Is there another place you can stay just to see if it will work, just for a while?
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2996663 tn?1374169076
I have told hime how much I hate it. Dont think he really kills.
I havent cut for awhile ive come close
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Can you sit down and talk to your parents? Can you tell your dad that when he drinks your afraid? Are you cutting yourself if you dont mind me asking?
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