please help me

[kezzy2008]

i have siged up on here to find out answers to my questions... i have been with my parnter for over 3 years now..he has alot of problems, hes paraniod, jealous, insercure and a little controllong... he questions me alot of the time and i have to explain myself to him.. he used to go see his councler for a while but he stopped going to that as hes says it boring and that she doesnt do anything to help him, he just repeats what he says over and over.. at the moment he is on antidepressents called trazodone and has been for about a month.. my parnter says he gets bad thoughts in his had about me for example.. im cheating on him or i hae cheated on him... he gets really bad at times ad goes out of control.. i try my harded to prove to him its all in his head but he chooses to listen to these thoughts.. he has always been like this as far as i can remember but over the last 2 years it has got really really bad... hes been drinking while on this medication which is ot good as it says to avoid alochol... he doesnt understand thats its dangerous.. friday night just gone we went out for a few drinks... i wasnt very happy about it as hes on medication.. that night for some reason i had a panic attack (ive never that this experience before) when help came he said i was just faking it to get everyones attendion... later on that night he got arrested.. gobbing off at the police and wearing at them. they warned him 3 times.. now he has not been arrested for such a long long time about 2 years or less... he was going mad even in the van banging, kicking and shouting, when he was let out saturday mornng, he came round mine throwing stoes at my window.. he blamed the whole thing on me saying it was all my fault he got arrested when i was at home.. he has not drunk that much while been on these tabets but that night he has 7 or 8 pints... last night he said he didnt feel very well atall... so i asked him if he was sweating, really hot, feels sick and dizzy or lightheaded... he said yes to all of them... is this a side afect from mixing alochol with trazodone?.. i cant really explain what hes ike towards me but its really bad and how paranoid he gets.. is this some sort of mental illness he has? he used to do drugs when he was younger hes now 23... please help me...

[ILADVOCATE]

  I would agree but sometimes the person who needs help the most is someone who has no idea they do. It sounds like a cliche but as I said before recovery when I was in a state of psychosis, there were times people had to encourage me to go to the hospital. I don't really want to detail. Sometimes you are concerned about someone and should back out of their life but you don't want to see them fall apart. The hardest thing I had to do (I'm not suggesting this for the person above, its an example) is call Adult Protective Services on a neighbor who was markedly decompensating and self medicating with a variety of recreational drugs. They paid a visit and I believe he was in the psychiatric hospital for part of the day. He wasn't hurting anyone except himself. All he had done with me was some verbal threats.
  I had spoken to the management about the incident and they were going to contact the police and then when I heard his father being emotionallly abusive to him (he's an adult now but the same thing had occured when he was a kid and C.P.S. stopped it) I just said that it would be wrong to involve the law. When they came I felt horrible guilty but afterwards he got his life back together, stopped the drugs and it appears he's on medication and he and his father never said anything to me but the way they look at me and talk to me (briefly, just usual neighbor exchanges) is "I'm glad you did this".
  Yes of course if someone is in that category you may not want them in your life but that doesn't mean you don't care about them from a distance and that maybe if their treatment was adjusted if they changed (if...) that things could be different. But then again I've helped women with domestic violence situations as consumers and the best advice is get out fast and get away but it depends what's going on. Some situations there is no choice and some a person can come to their own decisions especially since no physical violence was detailed to the person involved.. That to me is the only red flag for "unacceptable" as for leaving under all circumstances.

[LeftCoastChick]

Okay let's tally this up, he gets into rages and has been arrested right?
He's paranoid and/or seriously jealous and paranoid of you cheating on him right?
He has intrusive thoughts and unable to fight them, is that correct?
He's thrown stones at your house blaming YOU for his behaviour (getting drunk and arrested)
He thinks your faking it when you have anxiety attacks.

Do you think this is normal?

We can only suggest things to help you not him, he won't even get help, nor is he posting here right? You did. So what do you want us to do for you?

[ILADVOCATE]

  Let's stop here then. I said emotional abuse is a form of abuse. I didn't say he was violent to you. I don't know. You said he had been arrested. I know its not for violence against you and he may have been wrongfully arrested but regardless it happenned. If it happenned from something he did because of his psychiatric disability that caused poor judgement that would be of concern. I don't support him being arrested. But it did happen. And if it continues to happen he could be in prison. And that is a bad place for a person with a psychiatric disability. I think you might encourage him to go to the psychiatric hospital to get his treatment adjusted. That's not something I wouldn't have wanted to have someone do for me before I recovered from schizoaffective disorder. There were times I was psychotic and had bad judgement and people encouraged me to sign myself into the hospital. And I did. And it helped me.
  You don't have to do it in a way that is against him. There are times in a person's life where they need it. It can be life saving for them. And helps their recovery. Encounters with the law won't. The police often don't know what to do. I would certainly say a psychiatrist could address this better.

[kezzy2008]

omg the last 3 comments are way over the top... hello hes not some murder or someone who will beat the **** out of a girl especailly not his own girlfriend who he has been with for over 3 years.. your making him sound like a right nutter who is capable of kiling me... thats not the issue... you 3 last ones dont understad like the rest.. your making it sound so horrible and really violent...

[LeftCoastChick]

I was in an abusive relationship. It went from bad to worse.They don't stop.  It's obvious your partner is mentally ill. I'm on trazadone for sleep, it doesn't really work as a anti-depressant. Drinking with this stuff can be deadly. Worse that that, he will be. He's refusing help, abusing his meds and abusing himself with alcohol. Are you willing to die? I'm being blunt because you have to hear that.

You need to get help for yourself, not him. You need to leave, do you understand that? Do you want to be another statistic of abused women who die at the hands of their partners? Get to a shelter, he won't know where they are because they are in secret locations. Nothing is more important then you and your life. Or is you life worth nothing?
We can't help him, only you. You can only get help when you see the reality of the situation. It does not get better. You will be in my prayers.

[realtomatoe]

I am sorry you say you can't leave him. This pattern of behavior only gets worse. You mentioned that he will not get counceling. It is clear then that he does not believe he needs help. You cannot help him. I have been in your shoes. For 11 years. You cannot help him. If he does not get help on his own you are going to be a victim as long as you are with him. I gotta give it to you straight. The way he treats you will get worse. No matter how you try to avoid it or what you say or don't say. I love men. I don't hate them. I feel for him like I felt bad for my husband of 11 years. You cannot help him. I didn't face reality till I was unconcious and in the emergency room from a physical attack. An attack by the man I loved, married and had children with. Don't let it get that far. Go see a councelor yourself and stay financially independant from him.

[ILADVOCATE]

When someone is a relationship where they are being abused co-dependency is common. There are support groups for survivors of domestic violence and emotional abuse is still abuse. I would suggest going to one of those. I know that its hard to cut the relationship loose because my mother put up with physical abuse from my natural father (who died 30 years ago) until the family intervened and basically pulled her out of the house from what she told me. If you are concerned about him you can still help him, from a distance. If he is so psychotic that there was police intervention he should think of signing himself into the hospital to get his medications adjusted because prisons are very abusive places for people with psychiatric disabilities and its better he have his medications adjusted before he does something destructive he regrets.

[kezzy2008]

i have tryed to help him through it.. only he can do that.. he wont go to any councling, i dont want to push him to go.. he also feels bad for being on trazodone.. he felt like **** last night... sweating, hot flushes, dizzy, lightheaded, sick... i told its coz he mixed his meds with drink... he told me hes not going to drink for a long long time. i mean i have had a little moan bout him drinking and i dont like it... only coz i care.. thats my problem im to caring i put every one else before myself... so many time i have wanted to end it, i mean i have ended it before and it lasted to weeks, he was crying and begged for me to give him another chance... i have give him chance after chance... and keep doing it...i dont no why... im stupid...
since i have been with him i have changed hell of alot. his ways have rubbed off on me.. i get paranoid sometimes... i hate myself for it but i cat help it... he plays mind games sometimes and i no he is but it draws me in

[kezzy2008]

thanks for all your comments...
i cant bare to leave him... i love me but sometimes he gets to much for me... but he can also be very lovely.. its the paranoid thoughts and the questions i cant really tell you now bad it is... he has got so angry b4 in my face screaming at me so i punched him.... oops... it makes me angry and upset the way he is with me... i just dont no why im still with him... he has  trust issue big time... sometimes hes ok but others hes not... i have not been out with my friends drinking for bout 9 months as i cat be doing with the **** i get from him the next day... hes questions me on what i wore, where i went, who i was with, if i saw anyone, did anyone chat me up, did any oe try to dance with me... and any other question you can think of... even if he drinks and im at home i still get **** from him the next day... AAAAH it drives me mad... i have even become so so so low that i made myself poorly, just cryig all the time not eating or concentrating...

[Hensley258]

I think ILADVOCATE hit the nail on the head.

He sounds abusive. Look, I have suffered from very severe depression and anxiety for years and while it makes me feel like **** all the time, it does not make me abusive to my wife.

If anything it makes me uderstand how much I need her satabilizing force in my life to survive.

IMO, a mental illness is no excuse to be abusive to your partner.

If you think he is going to change, I can tell you for a fact that he probably won't

Real love is built on trust and unconditional caring.

If what he doing falles on the side of un-loving. You can do better.
I saw your profile and picks. You are very attractive and can easily find a man that understands the heart of a Woman and that will treat you with respect.

[therese83]

I wish you the best.

I think you need to ask yourself why you would want to be with a man like this?

Yes he is mentaly ill and also abusive and controling, he sounds dreadful.
I think it has gone too far and he is now contributing towards you becoming sick yourself.

Please take care of yourself.  You can do nothing more to help him.

[ILADVOCATE]

I think that he is abusive and you need to seperate from him. You should find some way to get help for him but regardless of its cause you shouldn't accept that behavior. Obviously there is an interaction between alcohol and Tradazone and that made things worse. However, I think what is going on with him is a lot more than anxiety disorder. He sounds paranoid to me. He should seek psychiatric help as soon as possible along with some form of rehabilatation group for the alcoholism. Who is prescribing the Tradazone? If whoever is prescribing it is unaware of what's going on and he refuses to tell him you should call that provider and explain what's going on as its rapidly getting out of hand. If he gets arrested for violent behavior again you should explain this to the police because he should be hospitalized at that point. If he was that psychotic I'm not sure why they didn't transfer him to a psychiatric hospital at that point rather than just arresting him which is what they should have done.